aibu to think if you don't love me fine but don't let dd suffer too!

hellospoon · 2011-08-12T07:39:26+00:00

Was told the other night that p hasn't loved me for 3 months. After everything we have been through he can't forgive me for my depression after having dd and the fact we don't have an intimate relationship means he doesn't love me. Fucking coward. Anyways he wanted space so I come stay at mums for a couple of days. He doesn't even text to see if our Dd is ok. He just doesn't give a fuck, he has made it perfectly clear he doesn't want me but why is he ignoring her??

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 12/08/2011 08:42

Maybe he is hurting too, and finding this difficult. Doesnt excuse his behavior, but could explain why.

youmeatsix · 12/08/2011 08:42

maybe he is having a hard time too
maybe he doesnt want to get in touch in case you think its an olive branch
maybe he thinks you would be angry etc and an argument would start
maybe he doesnt know how to approach you
could be lots of reasons

but he really should know how your daughter is and he should WANT to know

Original poster

hellospoon · 12/08/2011 08:53

But he has been texting me telling me how awful I am, just doesn't mention her. He has had 3 months to tell me he doesn't love me.

Iv been living a lie.

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Original poster

hellospoon · 12/08/2011 08:53

But he has been texting me telling me how awful I am, just doesn't mention her. He has had 3 months to tell me he doesn't love me.

Iv been living a lie.

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WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 12/08/2011 08:56

Are you the same one that started the other thread? He sounds like scum. I don't see why you've had to leave the family home!

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 12/08/2011 08:56

I mean he should have!

Lifeissweet · 12/08/2011 08:56

3 months is not really a very long time in the scheme of things - and how can he be so exact about the length of time? Seems a bit weird to me.

Could you suggest counselling to him? It sounds as though he needs to come to terms with the fact that you weren't quite yourself for a while and that your apparent neglect of your relationship wasn't your fault.

I agree, though, that he should be talking to you about your DD. It's a big upheaval for her too and both of you need to be talking about how you handle it for her sake.

marriedinwhite · 12/08/2011 09:00

I hope you are getting the support you need from your family. If all he can do is send you texts that a are hurtful switch off your phone - your dd sounds as though she would be better off too without him. No wonder you were depressed if this is how he behaves. Shut the door, recover, rebuild and look forward to a better life without him.

Original poster

hellospoon · 12/08/2011 09:02

eyebrows yea that's me. I couldn't be bothered to change my name again.

I hope he reads this, 3 months ago I had counselling and when I started to get back to my old self.

I just keep thinking about the prospect of being on my own, being the only one there for dd. I have no companion and noone to share everything with he has been my world for so long and now its all gone!

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Original poster

hellospoon · 12/08/2011 09:02

eyebrows yea that's me. I couldn't be bothered to change my name again.

I hope he reads this, 3 months ago I had counselling and when I started to get back to my old self.

I just keep thinking about the prospect of being on my own, being the only one there for dd. I have no companion and noone to share everything with he has been my world for so long and now its all gone!

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Original poster

hellospoon · 12/08/2011 09:07

I suggested counselling to him but he said it is to late.

Too late for him. I can't do this, I need him to be there and I can't do life without him.

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WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 12/08/2011 09:10

I just wanted to say don't let him blame you for this. You were ill at the time and he should have supported you no matter how long it took. He is a crap excuse for a partner and dad.

Have you tried turning it around and telling him this? Then once you have close the door on him (metaphorically) and move on with your life.

(I know it won't be that easy in reality as you must be really hurting.)

reallytired · 12/08/2011 09:13

I'm sorry that you are being treated in this way. It is immature of him to think that having depression requires forgiveness. You have done nothing wrong. We all experience illness in our lives, whether its physical or mental.

The sad reality is that he wants to go back to the child like existance of having no responsibility.

Have you had legal advice on maintaince? Do you have a seperate bank account? It sounds awful, but you need to protect yourself practically even when you going through hell emotionally.

reallytired · 12/08/2011 09:13

Do you need to sort out housing?

eve34 · 12/08/2011 10:16

Hello spoon. Hang on in there. The only way is up from here. I know it hurts like nothing you have ever experienced before. You and your daughter deserve much better than this in your life.

I have been there and you feel you can't move, you can and you will. It gets better.

Try not to engage with him. He isn't worried about DD becasue he doesn't have the same bond that you do.

I can't say if he cares or not about her, but she has you and your family. Just take each day as it comes.

Original poster

hellospoon · 12/08/2011 10:35

I have been through breakups with boyfriends but nothing like this. I thought I'd been in love before but I now realise I wasn't. I am numb. I can't breathe from the tears.

I havnt taken anxiety meds in months this last 2 days iv been doubling the dose as if I didn't I think I would loose the plot.

The housing situation is difficult. We rent in joint names but dd has moved 4 times in the 17 months she been around she is finally settled and has a house she can call a home. I won't take that from her no way.

Iv spoken to the benefit office and have arranged a meeting with the housing officer to sort housing and council tax benefit. I will be a registered childminder by end of september so I have some focus and something to aim towards.

I have moments where I'm crying constantly and can't breathe and then the next minute I am strong and empowered! Wish I could just have a constant emotion.

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Original poster

hellospoon · 12/08/2011 10:35

I have been through breakups with boyfriends but nothing like this. I thought I'd been in love before but I now realise I wasn't. I am numb. I can't breathe from the tears.

I havnt taken anxiety meds in months this last 2 days iv been doubling the dose as if I didn't I think I would loose the plot.

The housing situation is difficult. We rent in joint names but dd has moved 4 times in the 17 months she been around she is finally settled and has a house she can call a home. I won't take that from her no way.

Iv spoken to the benefit office and have arranged a meeting with the housing officer to sort housing and council tax benefit. I will be a registered childminder by end of september so I have some focus and something to aim towards.

I have moments where I'm crying constantly and can't breathe and then the next minute I am strong and empowered! Wish I could just have a constant emotion.

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ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin · 12/08/2011 10:39

' I will be a registered childminder by end of september'

Are you sure that you need another challenge in your life right now?

' I can't do this, I need him to be there and I can't do life without him.'
What about your daughter? You need to be strong for her, you can do life without him.

cheekeymonkey · 12/08/2011 10:43

Save your tears for someone who deserves them. Be strong for your DD.

Original poster

hellospoon · 12/08/2011 11:14

Professionally (great name)

If i didnt have this to look forward to then i probably would just curl up in a ball for a few days.

I need to make a better life for my DD, i need to be able to provide for her and i also need to prove to everyone that i am capable of looking after myself.

What i mean by i need him there, is every day for the last few years he has been there, we havnt been apart i dont have really any friends and he has been my best friend for this long it is like loosing a limb.

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MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 12/08/2011 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

skybluepearl · 12/08/2011 11:47

what the saying - let him free and if he really loves you, he will come back to you

in the mean time you need to let your mum have baby and have a really good weep.

then re-evaluate your life. what do you need? childminding sounds good step, what about making a circle of friends or getting fit too? Do you go to toddler groups?

menagerie · 12/08/2011 12:09

Hi,

Just wanted to say hang in there. You're being responsible by taking medication to try and get your emotional balance back. You are planning for your and your DD's future by getting a qualification that completely fits with the life of a single mum with a young child. (Two friends of mine split up with their partners when their DC were small and both became childminders. They were really good at it and you should see both women now. They look gorgeous and happy and full of confidence.)

Going it alone rather than trying to please someone who has a low opinion of you is the best decision in the long run. I think you have lots already to feel proud about. Despite your pain you are sorting things out and making huge progress. Give yourself a big pat on the back. You'll look back on this time and be amazed and proud of what you're achieving under stress.

And if he's not texting about her, then bar his texts. I do feel a tiny bit of sympathy for him. Being on the receiving end of someone with severe depression is really hard to bear and the toll it takes is underestimated. But if all he's doing is attacking you, and he has no interest in rebuilding what you had, then you need some self preservation tactics. Block him from contacting you. You have more important things on your mind right now.You might feel awful but everything you are doing is so positive. I really admire you from what you've posted.

Original poster

hellospoon · 12/08/2011 12:29

Mena, they sound like they have really made a difference to their lives and that's good to hear, it gives me hope that I can do the same.

Not sure if iv done the right thing here, but I wrote a message out to send to everyone of our family and he agreed to it so I have sent it to everyone.

My family have replied, but people in his family who I thought were my friends have not even bothered to come back to me.

Last week he came home pissed and said some very vile things to me, one thing that sticks is he said he will make sure I don't get to see my dd if I ever try to hurt him. He says he was drunk and doesn't remember and he wouldn't do that but I'm unsure. Its sticking.

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WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 12/08/2011 16:12

Why does he hate you so much! Is it just the depression?! What a useless shit!