aibu to think if you don't love me fine but don't let dd suffer too!

[hellospoon]

Was told the other night that p hasn't loved me for 3 months. After everything we have been through he can't forgive me for my depression after having dd and the fact we don't have an intimate relationship means he doesn't love me.

Fucking coward. Anyways he wanted space so I come stay at mums for a couple of days.

He doesn't even text to see if our Dd is ok. He just doesn't give a fuck, he has made it perfectly clear he doesn't want me but why is he ignoring her??

it is like loosing a limb I find this a grossly insensitive analogy as you'll have no problem if your p decides to reattach himself to you, or you decide to attach yourself to a more worthy p.

I have no companion and noone to share everything with he has been my world for so long and now its all gone You're not alone in having this experience; many thousands of others will be feeling the same pain at this precise minute.

I thought I'd been in love before but I now realise I wasn't Ditto to the above sentence. It seems to me that our capacity for self-delusion is infinite [grin}

Iv been living a lie If it's taken him 3 months to tell you that he doesn't love you, it would seem that he's been living a lie too. Happily, you can now both enjoy the relief that comes with honesty.

It's early days and I cannot see why you've chosen to broadcast details of your relationship to others at this point in time unless you hoped to gain sympathy/attention or were looking to score a point from the exercise.

If you share a joint social housing tenancy, in the best interests of his dd's welfare and wellbeing he should move out and set up home elsewhere.

I have moments where I'm crying constantly and can't breathe and then the next minute I am strong and empowered! Wish I could just have a constant emotion You can; simply resolve to get on with enjoying yourself with your dd and others, sort out the practicalities of housing, finance etc, and save any tears till bedtime. This technique is called 'self-discipline' and you may find that you need to practise it regularly if you become a childminder.

Izzy, back off! I presume you have people to go to when you're having a rough time? There's no need to be so snide and critical when someone is going through a crisis and posts here. If you haven't suffered depression then you have no idea what OP is going through. It is a very serious illness, not just a self indulgent whine. If you have, then shame on you for being so sharp tongued.

Actually, spoon, you sound strong and capable under the upset. You are looking forward and are putting the steps in place to get things sorted. You can do this, I think.

I know it hurts (believe me, I really do) but I think what you're feeling are 'appropriate' reactions in your situation. You will be shocked, angry, hurt and probably feeling a bit physically sick and scared, I imagine? All of that is normal in the circumstances.

Be kind to yourself while you work through this.

Izzy - are you completely without emotion? What an unsympathetic and unpleasant post. The OP has had a nasty shock and is doing her best to be practical in the circumstances. Of course she's emotionally unstable - she suffers from depression too, you know, which will make this even harder to deal with.

Spoon - ignore that. You will be fine and you'll pick yourself up again when you're ready. In the meantime, be kind to yourself.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy,

I have reported your post.

The OP is overcoming serious depression and is being deserted by her partner. It is horrific for her and I am sure in time she will rebuild her life. At the moment she is in a pit of despair and its hard to imagine how life can get much worse.

Why does it matter if the OP seeks support from complete strangers. Seeking support from total strangers is what mumsnet is about.

Izzy - I really could do without that to be honest. I posted on here because I don't really have anyone I can talk to in real life.

So I guess attention seeking was the reason. Forgive me for needing someone to talk to.

Izzywhizzy that was so nasty and uncalled for

WTF does I matter that she's not the first nor the last. Everyone is entitled to have their own feelings!

Damn auto correct 'it' not I

Izzy what a horrible post. Have you got something going on in your own life, or are you normally so nasty?

OP I hope you're OK, you sound a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.

whosegotmyeyebrows talks sense - he sounds like a useless shit. You are so right to question how he could walk away from his DD without even asking after her. Keep remembering that. In my opionion, someone who can do that to their children doesn't "get" love in the sense that most of us understand it and are supremely self-centred. The fact that this same person hasn't been in love with you for 3 months has no reflection on you, it reflects only on his incapacity to truly love someone else (and BTW, normal loving human beings don't talk about being unable to forgive someone for depression).

You will feel awful, that's a normal response - heartbreak is a horrible pain. But you will feel better in time, and when you do I hope that you realise the problem is his and only his. And in the meantime, when you need a shoulder to cry on, remeber that's what MN's for

I've read your posts on the other thread and this one.

Depression is an illness. Replace depression with cancer or malaria and think about what he said to you. He doesn't love you because you were ill? He hates you because you haven't been having sex? He's sending you vile texts?

He sounds like a complete waste of oxygen.

It's understandable that you're in pieces - you have had 3 months of starting to get better and stronger and feeling more positive and in control and he decides to pull the ground out from under your feet. The thing is, everything you did to get better, you did yourself. You can do it again.

Anyone would feel lost, in shock and distraught at their partner treating them like this. You've not gone back to being ill, you're simply someone who is recovering and has had a load of shit dumped on them. Don't feel bad about talking the tablets and switch off your phone. Allow yourself the time away from him to recover from the shock.

Everything you said you are doing - still going for the childcare thing, sorting out housing stuff- makes you sound like a very together person who is dealing with shitty situation.

Deep breath girl. Now then: this man is no good to you. He's making you worse. He is abusive and your depression is going to improve when he isn't there, undermining you, whining at you, nagging for sex, doing fuck all WRT housework or childcare... You can build a better life for you and DD without him in it. He may even grow up a bit in time and be a good dad - but right now you need to sort out the practicalities, get him out of the house, rebuild your life and look after your DD. It will get better. In a while you will think of him with a sort of mildly friendly contempt, because he's such a loser. Honestly, you will feel that one day, and in the mean time, the more you can act that way, the quicker you will heal.

Thank you for all your kind words.

Iv been staying at my parents for a few days with dd, I went home tonight to speak to him.

I think I am realising that I can't make him love me as much as I want him to. That would make me abusive to try make him love me.

I want to hate him, but I just can't.

My dad is now cross at me because he says dd will be damaged from being from a broken home. More guilt just what I need.

Thank you for all your kind words.

Iv been staying at my parents for a few days with dd, I went home tonight to speak to him.

I think I am realising that I can't make him love me as much as I want him to. That would make me abusive to try make him love me.

I want to hate him, but I just can't.

My dad is now cross at me because he says dd will be damaged from being from a broken home. More guilt just what I need.

My dad is now cross at me because he says dd will be damaged from being from a broken home

I'd show him the texts and tell him to direct his anger elsewhere.

I thought this was mumsnet AIBU and that all were free to share and air their views?

If you were sitting in my kitchen, OP, I'd be encouraging you to unburden yourself while providing copious cuppas or and you certainly wouldn't find me unsympathetic to your plight.

However, before we said our goodbyes, I would hope that we would be able to find a way, or several, for you to lift yourself out of your present pit of despair with a view to moving forward to the the bright future that is waiting for you if only you'll allow yourself to believe it.

As it seemed that you were not lacking on this, or your other thread, in empathetic 'poor you' responses, I merely tried to help you float on top of the entirely understandable pool of wallowing that we can find ourselves in when we feel lovelorn and bereft by throwing you a lifebelt of reality.

As belle has said you sound strong and capable under the upset and if I didn't believe that I wouldn't have responded to your post in a way that I hoped would encourage you to pick youself up, dust yourself down, and hold on to those moments/times when you feel strong and empowered.

FTR I do find the often used analogy of 'losing a limb' when relationships end deeply insenstive and offensive to amputees, but my response was not coloured by your comment nor do I have anything more than the assorted pressures that go with the territory of a time-poor lifestyle to cause me any specific angst that I would seek to take out on you or anyone else.

Also FTR, when my relationships are in the crucible I find a curious comfort in knowing that I am not alone and that others have experienced, and are experiencing, similar, and often far greater, problems but that may be because, IMO, unchecked self-pity can be destructive force.

op,it hurts like hell doesnt it? But lots of us have faced this and a few years later are now happlily tapping away on mn with no thoughts for what happened to us. How you are feeling is normal and understandable-despite what some might say-you are sad and scared an rejected but will not always be,if you can come through pnd just imagine what you are capable of.
Stay strong.

If only depression was this simple, Izzy.

'If I just think positively and get on with things everything will be ok'.

It doesn't work like that. I know. I've tried it. and people saying it when it's all you want to do, but are too ill to do it makes the whole situation feel more useless and impossible.

I respect your point of view, but actually, on here, the OP needs unbounding sympathy. I am sure people in RL will tell her to pull herself together and it won't be that helpful from them either.

Izzy there is a major difference between self pity and depression.

Hellospoon, I feel for you, having been in a situation where my (now ex) partner left me with a 5 month son and said he hated me, I was ugly, fat etc etc. I tried so hard to keep our little family together even though I had post natal depression and he was awful towards me and our son.

You have to realise its not your fault, none of it is your fault, he is just an uncaring twunt. It took me a long time to move on and get better but it was the best thing I ever did. You do sound stronger than you think you are and I am sure given time you will realise you are much better off without him.

First things first sort out the practicalities, get him out of the house if thats what you want, I dont know if you are working or not but if working you will prob get partial housing and council tax benefit, plus working and child tax credit and also child benefit, it adds up to a fair amount and you will be fine on your own.
If not working then you will receive full housing and council tax benefit, income support and child tax and child benefit so am sure you will be fine. If you need any help get down to your local job centre asap and nag them until they sort everything out.

Would it be possible to stay with your mum and dad on a more permanent basis until you feel ready to start again?

Sorry bit of an essay going on here but if you want any advice from someone who has been there feel free to PM me xx

Your other thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1276889-please-someone-read-this-and-help-me

It would seem that you're well on the way to recovering from pnd and I sincerely hope you will not allow the words of your p to send you back into the abyss after you've come so far and have so many positive plans for the future.

Of course you haven't ruined your dd's life nor, contrary to your df's opinion, will your dd be damaged if your relationship with her father is at an end.

Concentrate on getting the practicalities sorted so that you can fulfil your ambition in September.

If you've had CBT you will have been encouraged to counter negative thoughts with positive ones. If you can hold onto and use your bright vision of the future to see you through any dark days, you can and will empower yourself.

butterflies

Thank you for your response. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, It is reassuring to know that so many people have got through this and hopefully I will too.

I really miss him. I'm going home from my parents today so I guess I will see what happens later on today.

P is going to stay with family, and I'm going to sort all benefits etc out next week.

I really wish I knew where it all went wrong and I would turn back the clock and make it right.

Hi there
We're going to move this thread to relationships.
Thanks
MNHQ

Ok thanks mnhq.

Hi yes you will get through it, it takes time and support but you will be ok.

Yes am sure you do miss him, or rather the old him before he turned out to be a rat.
Dont beat yourself up on the hows or whys, you may never know.

Wishing you luck for the future x