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Original poster

Private investigator

50 replies

patrickjane · 13/07/2011 17:28

Do they exist? Or only in the movies?
I want one in central London to be available when my husband tells me he is out with clients or colleagues

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 13/07/2011 17:29

Apparently they exist, but a lot of them have been busy phone-hacking.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 13/07/2011 17:29

Yes, they exist. As do 'honeytraps'. But if you've reached this stage, do you really need to do this?

Rockerchic · 13/07/2011 17:31

Why do you need to spy do you suspect he's up to no good?

Conflugenglugen · 13/07/2011 17:37

My gut reaction mirrors TMBk's. I would imagine few relationships survive in any workable form once someone has called in a private investigator - mostly because the motivation to do so in the first place speaks volumes.

ImperialBlether · 13/07/2011 18:02

Is it that you want one to follow him? That could be difficult if he's going to a restaurant and has a booking.

Is there another way? What has made you suspicious?

Original poster
patrickjane · 13/07/2011 19:15

honeytrap not really good enough, he could talk his way out of that

He swears he has been faithful since we have been married.
Before we were married, he told a lot of lies, so he has form.
He once made up a whole very believable story about a friend from out of town, and then I caught him in a hotel with a pre-arranged fuck buddy.

There is nothing in particular, he just could get away with it.
I think he thinks he is invincible.

Sometimes when he says he is out with clients, it just seems like he is trying too hard to make up a story, too hard to tell me the details.

My instincts are telling me something, and every time I caught him out before my instincts were right.
I just think he thinks he can get away with anything.

I can't put my finger on it , and I can't explain it.

When he tells me he is out with x,y,z I just want someone to be able to say, yes he is out with 3 men, looks like colleagues, or yes looks like clients, or no, he has just walked into the Hilton with a tall blonde

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 13/07/2011 19:17

Er, and you still married him?

midnightexpress · 13/07/2011 19:20

I know someone who used one (marriage was already on the rocks, but she needed evidence as he was denying everything). They were utterly useless - almost comedy bad. Can't go into the details as it would be startlingly obvious to anyone who knows them, but Columbo they weren't.

As everyone else says though, with that level of suspicion etc I'm not sure I'd bother.

Original poster
patrickjane · 13/07/2011 19:22

er, yes
that's not particularly helpful!

I found out, and he said he had been wanting to tell me about fuckbuddy, and how he just realised i was the one, blahblahblah. and he begged me to forgive him.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 13/07/2011 19:27

Well, I put 'detective' 'London' into www.yell.com and got 126 listed. So, given that you don't have to ask MN whether they exist - do you want to talk about it [sympathy]?

Original poster
patrickjane · 13/07/2011 19:41

thanks whereyouleftit!
not sure what else to say really
I guess I just wanted to see if anyone had any experience of them.
How much they cost, not sure I could afford it right now.
People must use them to get evidence.

I just think he's not being honest

OP posts:
MissCahoots · 13/07/2011 19:47

Haven't got time to go into much detail now, but I used one to finally help me end my marriage after 25 years of lies and deceit. He did it because he could and had no intention of ever leaving, just wanted me there as a good wife at home.
I married young, had repressed upbringing, low self esteem blah blah and could never get to the Final Confrontation.
I had a successful result within a week, it was way cheaper than Iexpected but interestingly it was the fact that I had done this to him, rather than the grainy DVD, that made my H realise that I was serious and it was finally over.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/07/2011 20:59

OK, so putting aside cost etc. - imagine you have hired a detective and he has followed your H when he was out with 'clients'.

What would you do if it was a liaison at the Hilton with a blonde?
What would you do if it was clients?

You see, if it was a blonde, then you have to take it somewhere with him (and I think you've imagined doing that already, and it's what you WANT). And if it's clients? I think you'd think that it was just clients 'this time'.

Bottom line, either way you'd still distrust him - for all the reasons you've already given. His behaviour has set your radar (instincts) off, and he has a history.

You don't sound to me as if you either like him or respect him. "I think he thinks he is invincible. ... I just think he thinks he can get away with anything." You sound as if you want out of your marriage, but feel you need "proof". Who do you need to prove it to? Yourself, him, or others?

ameliagrey · 13/07/2011 21:04

As above.

Why are you with a man who makes you feel so insecure?

If there is no real trust and you need to keep him on a lead (or have him followed- amounts to the same thing) it says a lot about the relationship you both have.

Do you love him?
Does he love you- but still gives you reason to think he would /is playing away?

Why do you put up with this angst when you could walk away?

Fairenuff · 13/07/2011 21:05

If he cheated before you were married, he will cheat whilst you are married. Makes no difference. Either he respects you or he doesn't. Either he is faithful to you or he isn't. Marriage doesn't change the way a person thinks.

wannaBe · 13/07/2011 21:07

I think that if you need to hire a private detective, then actually, you don't need to hire a detective - you just need to accept that your marriage is over.

Think about it - let's say he is seeing other women. You already suspect as much so in truth all you want is the evidence so you can confront him with it.

But let's say that you are wrong and he is genuinely seeing clients. What then? Take it a step further - let's say that you are wrong and he is seeing clients, and he finds out that you have hired a private detective to check up on him. What do you think that will do to your marriage if he finds out that you distrusted him enough to do that?

Think about it - because the betrayal he will feel if he realises that you distrust him to that level will be immense. Are you prepared to face that?

Fairenuff · 13/07/2011 21:10

What if the client is a tall blonde, or a shapely brunette, or a stunning redhead? Plenty of women in business you know. Would you trust him with them?

tadpoles · 13/07/2011 21:21

A friend of mine hired a private detective when she suspected husband (number 2) of having a long-term affair. The reason she did it is because she wanted to have evidence against him, prove that he had lied to her, and not allow herself to be stitched up (again).

She got the evidence, and more. It allowed her to plan an exit strategy and it also demonstrated to him that she was not going to be made a fool of. She was able to make a few plans herself so that she was not completely thrown into the poo.

"I think he thinks he is invincible." - Yeah, that would irritate the hell out of me too. I could forgive a blundering, hopeless cheat but someone who is arrrogant enough to think they can pull the wool over your eyes and make a fool of you - I would probably hire a private detective too!

Original poster
patrickjane · 13/07/2011 21:25

Wow, whereyouleftit, that's some insight!
I do need proof, and probably not for me or others, but for him.
I have tried to leave, he always begs.
Misscahoots, your story rings a lot of bells, I need him to realise that I am serious.
I'm not really expecting many people to understand, but he won't let me go. Manipulative.
Fairenuff- he tells me all the details about the clients, so i would compare the details of what he told me. Also not many are female, although he also talks about female colleagues.
I would expect a PI to be able to tell the difference between a client dinner and a secret assignation, sloping off to a hotel room.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 13/07/2011 21:25

btw OP, how could he talk his way out of a honey trap?

LemonDifficult · 13/07/2011 21:31

Agree with Tadpoles. If you think a detective will give you control (and you can afford it) - then do it. Research the agency and see if you can get one recommended.

Your husband sounds like someone you'd want to leave.

Original poster
patrickjane · 13/07/2011 21:35

Do they actually go through with sex?
If yes, then maybe he couldn't talk his way out of it.
But otherwise, he could just say yeah yeah just flirting, swapped numbers etc, but I never had any intentions, I'm so sorry blah blah.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 13/07/2011 21:36

OK, you need the proof for him. Imagine you have the proof. You show it to him.

Is that going to stop him begging? I doubt it. Is it going to make him less manipulative? No, but he has less to work with probably.

How is showing him the proof going to affect you? Will it help you to withstand his begging? Probably. Will it make you less able to be manipulated? Probably - because you can just point to your proof and refuse to budge.

Do you feel you'd be able to do this without proof? No. "I'm not really expecting many people to understand, but he won't let me go. Manipulative."

I think you need to phone up a few of those 126 on yell.com and start asking for quotes. Sad You said you weren't sure you could afford it right now. Is there anything behind that comment?

Original poster
patrickjane · 13/07/2011 21:39

Yeah tadpoles, thats the way I'm thinking.
Also if I just leave he will never ever give up. It will be a fight through the courts, custody,abuse, slagging me off, I know it.
If I have the upper hand he will back off, I know it, he won't want to be seen as the bad guy.

OP posts:
Mortal · 13/07/2011 21:40

Do you really want to leave him? Could he still talk his way round if you had proof? I had an ex like this, could talk his way out of all the numbers I found in his jeans etc, he told me he was babysitting once so I waited at the bus stop outside the house and when he said he was leaving I asked if they'd moved. I knew he was dishonest, I knew it, he knew it - he just took the piss until I finally had enough. I didn't even have proof when I finally kicked him out, I'd just had enough.

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