Private investigator

[patrickjane]

Do they exist? Or only in the movies?
I want one in central London to be available when my husband tells me he is out with clients or colleagues

It'll give you something concrete ton fight with IF you get something on him.

(He sounds dead guilty from your posts - is there any chance he's not?)

Yes I want to leave, He doesn't make me happy and never will. Hrs very selfish but very showy selfless in public. He fools everyone. I recently confided in a friend and she was amazed.

I guess there is a chance he's not guilty.
There is nothing incriminating on his email, phone calls, texts, facebook.
There is a work colleague that he is obviously much closer to than he let's on to me, judging by text messages. But he still mentioned her and tells me when she is out with them. But maybe he deletes the incriminating ones?
He could use his work blackberry, would love to get into that, but I don't think even he would use work email. He's very professional.
Wyli, I'm just a bit concerned about money as I'm not working right now, I could manage a couple of hundred quid.
Some of these nights out are a bit short notice, so I would need a PI at my beck and call,
Dya think I could hire Magnum?

You could do it yourself. There's loads of spying equipment available. Not cheap though.

But I can't go following him around, could I plant a bug on him?

Have a look - there's trackers, keyboard memory, yadda yadda. I'm nosy but never had cause to get into this stuff however I imagine that it might work out cheaper than Glen Mulcaire.

Time to get quotes, I think.

My H got himself a secret phone, alot of cheaters do, so dont assume that just because you havent found anything on his normal phone that he hasnt been doing anything.

Also ime, if your instinct is telling you that he is cheating then he probably is, he has form, you know what he is capable of and that is why your instinct flagged you and said "somethings not right here".

You are unlikely to get a personal recommendation for a PI so your best bet is to arrange appointments with half a dozen or so from that list of over 100 and see which one you get the best feeling from and rapport with and go with them.

Then when you have the evidence you need, hang the fucker out to dry.

I'm going to write to you, OP. Check your messages in a bit.

I used the P.I. For exactly the same reasons PatrickJane. It's hard to understand if you are not married to someone who is so manipulative how they can make you doubt everything you know to be true. Like your H, mine insisted I was the only woman he loved, He was so hurt I could believe he was seeing other women, when he was working all hours for me and the children.
Tadpole's right about it enabling you to form an exit strategy, like you I knew if I ended it without incontrovertible evidence, he would have done everything in his power to leave me with nothing - kids,home,money.
You say you need to make him realise you're serious, do you want to end your marriage if you're right? Because I'm pretty sure it would be over if he knew you'd investigated him.

The site's email is down. I'll email tomorrow.

As another poster said it's a lot cheaper to do it yourself. Just because you can't find any incriminating messages anywhere simply means they have been deleted. And he could have many different e-mail addresses that you know nothing about.

All you need to buy is

this

and this

sorry, this is the correct second link i should have posted

well he came home earlyish last night, and he was so tired, I felt a bit sorry for him!
He was clearly out with clients.
He does have client functions, quick drinks with colleagues, I'm not saying he is lying all the time. I just think he uses this as an excuse to do what he wants, because if it's part of his job, how can I complain?

He doesn't do anything from our pc, so no need for keylogger, and that spyware has to be downloaded onto his phone, I can't do that.

AAMOI, if you hired a private investigator and used the family's money to spy on your partner but he came up empty, would you 'fess up and apologise to him, or would you keep it a secret?

If the latter, should he still consider you a trustworthy person?

Or indeed if you used keyloggers, secret recording devices etc?

Haha.
Here's how it would go- honey I thought you were cheating on me, so I hired a PI, he didn't find anything, I'm really sorry for doubting you"

In his head he would think, well I've got away with that, she won't hire them again.

I don't think it's morally wrong to try and find evidence when you think someone is cheating on you. Untrustworthy, me? I don't think so.

Its just a matter of time, if he's not doing it now.
Like I said, he thinks he's invincible.

I really don't think the OP is untrustworthy for wanting to know the truth about what her husband is up to.

Living like that can make you feel like you're going mad. She has to know, for her own sanity.

OP, I can't email you at the moment as that part of the site's down. It's not something I want to post on here in case it's used against someone.

I can understand wanting to know for sure - but unless you have th P.I on a long-term contract, you aren't going to know for sure.

If the P.I comes back and says your DH was indeed with clients, it doesn't mean he never cheats; it just means he wasn't on that occasion.

Unless you intend to hire the P.I to follow your DH for weeks and weeks, you still won't trust him if your gut is telling you he's up to no good.

If my partner hired a PI to spy on me, or if in fact I felt so little trust in him I would consider the realtionship over anyway.

Simple as that.

If you think he will try and wriggle out of it by lying, so be it

He cannot wriggle out of the fact that you have zero trust or respect for him. End of relationship.

Is spying on your partner ever a bad thing?

when you say you can't download spyware onto his phone is it because

you don't know how to do it? - the supplier will talk you through it if you need them too, but it's quite straightforward really.
you don't have access to it? - you only need to have the phone on your possession for 20 minutes at the most, does he ever sleep, your dh?
it's passworded? - i don't think this matters, i think you can still do it.

It's illegal to download spy software to someone else's phone!

Exactly calamity. I can't just get him to follow him one time, the PI would have to be at my beck and call.
Apocolypto, is it ever bad? I don't think it's wrong if you have suspicions, but it's a bad marriage. I agree with everyone here who says that if a marriage is at this stage, hiring an investigator, then surely there is not much worth saving.

I don't want to save it. For the reasons I have tried to explain above, I want the proof to enable me to keave.
Like I said I'm not expecting everyone to understand.
Misscahoots, your situation sounds very similar

Wrt the spyware. It would be difficult to take his phone to download it, and who knows what it would do to his phone. He's had loads of trouble with it recently, and he might catch me doing it, and he might be able to find it on the phone. I'm not paying out without knowing how that works exactly.
Smugmarried, have you done it, or seen it?
And what does AAMOI mean, apocolypto?!!

Well I'm going to check out a few, see how much they cost and see if I can keep them on standby.
Thanks all for helping me think it through.

AAMOI = "as a matter of interest".

If you're worried about who looks bad, there are lots of ways to look bad and spying on someone is among them. If you're that unhappy why not just divorce his ass?