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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think he's jealous of the cat!

41 replies

yellowhighlighter · 29/06/2011 13:03

FFS. We've just got a little kitten. We already have an older cat (my cat originally). Now I admit he is not really an animal person but he was happy for us to get a kitten and his children and my children love her to pieces. Something nice for our family to bring us all together and help us blend, or so I thought.

The kitten hasn't had her jabs yet and we've only had her a few days anyway. She has the run of our ensuite and our bedroom while we're at work and then I let her out when I get home to roam the house. If DP is hot, he can sit in the front room (or another room) and open windows and I will shut the door to make sure the kitten can't get in that room. Obviously we don't want the kitten getting out through an open window.

Her litter tray is being cleaned by me daily, no stale food left down etc. Trust me, she doesn't smell. I hate peoples house who smell of animals!

I'm not with her all my free time but I do want to make time to play with her etc. as what is the point of having her otherwise?! I make sure I spend plenty of time with boyfriend etc. He has already told my son off for "tormenting" her when he was just playing with some string with her.

So now he has told me that she smells and thinks she should be locked in the ensuite 24/7 as she is "only a cat". I've suggested moving her to other rooms as I understand some people don't like animals in bedrooms but she is shut in the ensuite when we are in bed anyway. He says he doesn't want her anywhere else as he then can't open the windows. Doesn't matter what I suggest, he dismisses it.

My old cat was incontinent, smelly, flea ridden (despite frontline etc), sicky and generally very poorly before she died and he never complained about her once.

Really don't feel inclined to do as he wants because I believe it to be cruel but also because I feel he is being incredibly childish (he is in his forties).

OP posts:

HellonHeels · 29/06/2011 13:07

You cannot leave your kitten locked in an ensuite bathroom 24 hours a day. That is extremely cruel.

I feel very sorry for the kitten :(

garlicnutter · 29/06/2011 13:07

He's trying to assert power. He wants you to prove you're willing to distress a kitten for his convenience. That's quite unpleasant.

Original poster

yellowhighlighter · 29/06/2011 13:12

Thank you for that. I won't let him do that to her. I'd rather re-home her than have that.

I don't take on animals willy nilly and I won't treat them badly but I'm also sensible enough to have some perspective and not treat an animal like a baby. So I really resent this from him.

We know of someone who takes in lots and lots of animals and their house really smells and he tried to say our house is turned into the same thing. I know it's not about the smell, he's jealous.

OP posts:

SingOut · 29/06/2011 13:12

This isn't about the kitten, but then you know that, don't you?
It would be cruel to lock the kitten up as he's describing and I imagine he knows that himself really. This is about power and control, and how you handle this is crucial.
Can I ask if this is the first time he's behaved in such a way? Over anything else, I mean.

SootySweepandSue · 29/06/2011 13:13

Of course he is jealous!

I wish there was something I could suggest to make him more receptive. You will have to hope he falls for her. She is a new family member but I know from experience how much work a kitten is (mine was more effort than my newborn no joke! She still rules the roost now age 2.5).

How old are the kids ? Could they do a lot of the looking after? Maybe build her a safe area in the house with blankets, toys etc. I would get her jabbed as soon as possible so she can be outside aswell.

BibiBlocksberg · 29/06/2011 13:13

How a person treats an animal says an awful lot about them imo. Agree entirely with garlicnutter and also think he's being totally selfish and childish.

Original poster

yellowhighlighter · 29/06/2011 13:18

No, this isn't the first time, if I'm honest, and I think this has made it all come rushing back. I've felt he was jealous of my friends before and also of my son (who lives with us). I knocked both things on the head very quickly and he has been OK since, although I never forget.

Kitten is booked into the vets for her jabs (first set) early this week. Once her injections are done, she can go out, but that won't be for over 3 weeks. It's a short term mild inconvenience isn't it til then and one I'm willing to compromise on if necessary.

OP posts:

Original poster

yellowhighlighter · 29/06/2011 13:19

but I'm not prepared to be cruel.

OP posts:

SootySweepandSue · 29/06/2011 13:19

I'm not sure he is a psychopath because he doesn't like kittens. They are a ton of work, very demanding and much different to an older cat. If he has not had a kitten before he will be in a shock. I totally despaired with mine several times and I absolutely adore her.

Maybe it would be kinder to rehome and get an older cat for the kids? Intact if he agreed to it originally make him sort it out.

Anniegetyourgun · 29/06/2011 13:20

Keep the kitten, re-home the boyfriend. Sorted.

Ormirian · 29/06/2011 13:22

Hmm.. he's being territorial. The equivalent of a tom cat pissing in the corner. Tell him to piss off and leave the poor little animal alone.

Original poster

yellowhighlighter · 29/06/2011 13:28

Yes, I understand it's not easy to adjust and maybe he is surprised how much time etc they take up but even so, I'm not expecting him to do anything for her, if he doesn't want to.

She needs to meet and get on with my other cat, if I leave it til she is fully grown, it might be too late.

OP posts:

SingOut · 29/06/2011 13:41

"I've felt he was jealous of my friends before and also of my son (who lives with us). I knocked both things on the head very quickly and he has been OK since, although I never forget."

Well, that's your answer then, yellow. You can knock this on the head like the other times, and no doubt there will be more such incidents in your future together where a similarly tough line will have to be maintained. I know the type - they always have to push the envelope, which means remaining strong and on your guard at all times, on some level. A lot more work than I'd personally want to put to a relationship again, and I have been there previously. But only you can decide if he has other redeeming features which make having to deal with him like a difficult schoolboy worth your while. Meanwhile, he's just going to have to lump it, re: the kitten, isn't he? You seem to have decided that already. Good for you, by the way :)

Original poster

yellowhighlighter · 29/06/2011 13:47

SingOut,

I'm seriously wondering about the relationship. There are other issues too. He's lovely but he seems to bring so many issues to the table mainly being his ex wife and his kids.

Every couple of weeks there seems to be something else for me to be stressed and upset about and I am missing my quiet little dull life that I had before I met him!

I'm very determined that the kitten will be OK, but I shouldn't have to fight him to make sure. I'm upset that he can't be happy to see how much joy this little bundle of fluff has brought to all of us.

He can't give me another child, so I'm hopping mad he can't even seem to let me have a cat!

OP posts:

SootySweepandSue · 29/06/2011 13:49

I think it will be much better once she can go out. Maybe ask the vet if they can do it early as she's got out already herself a few times or something. It's a nightmare trying to keep a cat in at the best of times (I built a fake doorway which seems a bit extreme now!).

SootySweepandSue · 29/06/2011 13:52

Oh goodness even worse if you wanted another baby.

Don't give this kitten up for nobody!

hotbutteredmum · 29/06/2011 14:07

Honestly why are some men just freaky! I mean, its a blinkin' kitten. They suddenly have to get all manly and territorial and thats being nice..I call it twattish!

It reminded me of something that happened with my partner. This has just brought it all back, and re-shocked me again. Very weird. Was out with my friend oneday, walking around the town (kids at their dads'), went to her place and a little baby bird was trapped under the door. I got it out, and picked it up let it walk around a bit later to see if it was injured. It was more just dazed and was limping a little but nothing wrong with its wings.

Where we were living they don't have an rspca (not in England) so took it home in a basket with the intention of just letting it rest and finding someone who may know what to do with it or knew what they were talking about.

Showed my partner, who is normally calm and understanding. He had a look at it and kind of groaned at my 'sweet nature' he said. an 'inability to let things suffer' he said. fast forward to later on after he had been out for a few beers and can be a miserable drunk... picture the scene of me fighting him off while he was drunkenly trying to grip the little thing round the neck 'to break it '!! as I was 'being unfair and was I was a deluded mean woman to keep it suffering that way '.... :O . baring in mind it was limping a little, not otherwise damaged in any way. So I did the grown up thing which is pushed him out of the way and ran off with the bird to my parent's house! where their older neighbour took it fed it, then chucked it off her highest most balcony where it flew away three days later. Remembering this has just made me want to dump him all over again. Forgot about that, thanks for reminding me not to be thinking its a good idea to get any pets whilst am with him :/ Good luck with the kitten. Just proves a point that some men are totally weird. ;)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/06/2011 14:09

Do not rehome the kitten; I'd be getting rid of him instead.

Horrible man, shows the shape of things to come as well.

I was going to ask what you are actually getting out of the relationship with this man now?.

Ormirian · 29/06/2011 14:10

How horrible Well done for looking out for the bird. Have to say it was fortunate to have survived anyway but even so.....

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 29/06/2011 14:16

My stbxh was jealous of the idea of me having a cat, because "I would love it more than him".

Is this what's going on here?

hotbutteredmum · 29/06/2011 14:19

It wasn't so bad, it was trying to force itself under a door where there was a big gap in the concrete, and was kind of hiding in it. but yes as you say even so...

BibiBlocksberg · 29/06/2011 14:23

"My stbxh was jealous of the idea of me having a cat, because "I would love it more than him".

- my ex said exactly the same thing!! He was right too - I did and I do love my cats far more :)

OP - whatever else he is, you've said yourself you're missing your quiet, easy life and from here he is sounding like hard work.

Def. be an idea to have a serious think about what Attila always says/asks i.e what are you getting out of the relationship now?

SingOut · 29/06/2011 14:32

How long have you been together, by the way?
This thread reminds me very much of a story by Colette called The Cat, it's a wonderful read. Reversed genders to this situation, but pretty similar all the same. I'd suggest getting him to read it but that probably wouldn't be funny

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 29/06/2011 14:34

Bibi the conclusion to my story is in my username !

SingOut yes, great read!

openerofjars · 29/06/2011 14:38

Keep the kitten, dump the bloke. Or lock him in the ensuite 24/7.

Which one brings more joy to your household and your life: the man or the kitten?

I have to say, by the way, that most men I know smell more, cost more to run and demand more attention than most cats. I love DH, I do, but he is more hassle than a kitten any day.

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