I think he's jealous of the cat!

[yellowhighlighter]

FFS. We've just got a little kitten. We already have an older cat (my cat originally). Now I admit he is not really an animal person but he was happy for us to get a kitten and his children and my children love her to pieces. Something nice for our family to bring us all together and help us blend, or so I thought.

The kitten hasn't had her jabs yet and we've only had her a few days anyway. She has the run of our ensuite and our bedroom while we're at work and then I let her out when I get home to roam the house. If DP is hot, he can sit in the front room (or another room) and open windows and I will shut the door to make sure the kitten can't get in that room. Obviously we don't want the kitten getting out through an open window.

Her litter tray is being cleaned by me daily, no stale food left down etc. Trust me, she doesn't smell. I hate peoples house who smell of animals!

I'm not with her all my free time but I do want to make time to play with her etc. as what is the point of having her otherwise?! I make sure I spend plenty of time with boyfriend etc. He has already told my son off for "tormenting" her when he was just playing with some string with her.

So now he has told me that she smells and thinks she should be locked in the ensuite 24/7 as she is "only a cat". I've suggested moving her to other rooms as I understand some people don't like animals in bedrooms but she is shut in the ensuite when we are in bed anyway. He says he doesn't want her anywhere else as he then can't open the windows. Doesn't matter what I suggest, he dismisses it.

My old cat was incontinent, smelly, flea ridden (despite frontline etc), sicky and generally very poorly before she died and he never complained about her once.

Really don't feel inclined to do as he wants because I believe it to be cruel but also because I feel he is being incredibly childish (he is in his forties).

This thread reminds me of a song from my childhood (it's not in English) called "Your cat's happiness", in which the narrator chides a woman for being besotted with her cat, but the gist of the chorus is "What wouldn't I do for your cat / Since he makes you so happy".

It's a very cute song; I'm probably not expressing it very well

But anyway, it's made me think that that's the standard any partner should be held to: appreciating that which makes their other half happy, whether it's a cat, their DC from a previous relationship, a hobby, whatever.

Itsme,

That's exactly what makes me sad. He can see how happy this little thing makes all of us, but he wants it to stop.

Nothing has been said this evening and I've been playing with the kitten in other rooms and making a point of opening all the windows really wide in whatever room he is in! Hope he freezes. lol

Singout,

We've been together for 3 years and living together for 1 year. Everything lovely before I moved in, but we've had a fair few issues since I have. I hate feeling I've lost the ability to do what I want when I want. I really struggle always having to consider his needs (or moods, in this case).

I agree that you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat animals.

This, I think, is the sign of a good, kind man: I got a new cat when I'd only been dating my DP for a couple of months. I took her to be spayed a few weeks later. DP agreed to collect her from the vet and settle her in my house, if I was held up at work and couldn't get back before the vets closed. I was back in good time, as I'd expected to be, but was grateful for the back-up.

The next day, I went home at lunchtime to check on her. DP phoned, from work, to see how she was. He popped in on his way home to see how she was.

A while later, and unrelated to the spaying, she was ill. DP came straight round.

He's not a cat person. He'd much prefer a dog. But they're my cats, and he loves me, and therefore he's made the effort to get to know the cats.

OP, it sounds as though your DP is showing how little he loves and respects you, using the cat as a visual aid.

That's a very good way of putting it Itsme!

He can see how happy this little thing makes all of us, but he wants it to stop.
I've lost the ability to do what I want when I want
I really struggle always having to consider his needs (or moods
Everything lovely before I moved in, but we've had a fair few issues since I have.

These statements of yours freak me out, yellowhighlighter. Textbook angry and controlling man: He is unhappy about what makes you happy, you are walking on eggshells, and his moods got worse since you made the commitment of moving in with him -- is that a fair description of the situation would you say?

i'd rather rehome him TBH. he sounds nasty.

Itsme,

It is very subtle if it is happening but I do feel a bit edgy sometimes around him and I know that isn't normal.

Everything seems to be fine, then he just snaps about something. Very odd and it's only happened a few times (can count on one hand) but it's just so strange because I think everything is fine and then he seems to put a big black cloud over things. He says everyone is entitled to have a bad day, but I can never see it coming.

When I said I have lost the ability to do what I want when I want, I suppose I meant more in a general context. He would never say no you can't go out but when you are single you can literally do as you please without having to let someone know out of courtesy. Sometimes I miss that complete freedom of just clearing off out if I want to.

I think living together naturally puts more issues on each other. Both of us having kids and ex's are the main issues really.

Anyway, I just carried on as normal last night and brought kitty downstairs and he was fine. So I will just have to see.

His kids are at ours today and making lots of fuss of the kitten, I wonder if he feels "ignored" by his own children because of the cat too.

Fair enough. You say upthread you've been able to identify and knock other jealous/controlling behaviours on the head, so you seem to have secure boundaries and a gut worth trusting!

Enjoy the kitty

Ah. So you moved in to his, and have been having issues since but not before? Sounds very much like my abusive, controlling XP. He changed once I moved into his place, I suppose it just became more apparent to me that he was a miser, and very possessive and 'entitled' about his space. What he was really saying to me in his behaviour - and I don't know if this is the case with you - was 'You are a woman, and therefore inferior to me. Now that you are in MY home, you must toe the line or I have the right to make you unhappy and chastened at any point, by snapping at you, barking orders, moaning about the impact of you living here in whatever way, or making you feel generally uncomfortable. This is so that you are constantly aware that a) you are lesser than me and b) this is my home, so don't start acting like an equal or you can expect the above treatment until you get it in your head that YOU ARE A LESS VALUABLE HUMAN BEING THAN ME'

Not that he was aware of thinking the above, I'm sure it was all very unconscious. But that was his deep rooted belief, whether he was aware of it or not, and it kept creeping out in odd ways after I moved in. Basically, he wanted to keep me in my place. Yours sounds like he's trying to assert his dominance and basically pissing on his territory because you have taken a decision to do with the home that inconveniences him, and rather than suck it up (because it was a joint decision and because you are equals) he's kicking up a fuss to remind you what he's capable of and make you a little bit unsure and unhappy in what is really also your home.
Is living separately again but remaining a couple an option for you two? Sometimes families struggle with blending things when there are kids involved, and it can be quite nice to have your own space at times.

I really wished I had stayed put, actually. I live in a lovely big house now and have re-decorated it beautifully to my taste and had building work done, but I still miss my little ramshackle terraced house. "My home", as I still think of it.

He was asking me to move in after only 6 months of the relationship starting. I left it another 18 months until I did. It was lovely having the best of both worlds.

He was a bit clingy though and wanted to come round everyday, which although I loved him, I didn't feel I "needed".

I think if I went back "home" he would dump me. Whilst I think some would say that that is very telling, I think a lot of people do want to live together and do want that "normality" and I think he is entitled to want that (doesn't mean it has to be with me). I wouldn't knock him for that, to be honest. So I feel if I want to be with him I need to stay. Obviously I won't want to be with him if he behaves like an arse all the time.

It really doesn't bother me about living together at all, and actually all I want is to be happy and I don't give a stuff what friends, neighbours or Joe Bloggs thinks. I think it would bother him though.

It's common to want to live with your partner, that's true. You know that him wanting to move in together so early is a big red flag, don't you? That's not so common, and pretty textbook controlling arse behaviour.

It seems like he's always going to exhibit these behaviours and has done from the start. If you can either keep them firmly in check or turn a blind eye to some, power to you I guess. You sound stronger than me. I know I couldn't be in a relationship with that 'type' of chap ever again. 'Cause I know it never goes away and tends to escalate, stripping away your self esteem in the process. Hope you sort things out one way or another :)

Are you sure he is always OK with your Son when you are not around? What he said to your son about tormenting the cat sounds like he is still getting at him. It's not uncommon to read about resentful partners who save the nasty behaviour for when the other partner is not around.

DS always says he is fine but I deliberately sat at dinner table last night and didn't try and initiate conversation between the three of us. Neither of them said a word to each other. Now this could be that DS is a grumpy teenage boy (not really true but he can be a bit "hard work to get a conversation out of) or is it that DP just doesn't like him?!

Wish someone else wiser than me would post on here soon but the big push to move in together, his acting "clingy" and coming round all the time -- as singout pointed out, those are textbook red flags that say "controlling man." The more you post the more freaked out I get.

You don't seem to like this guy, let alone love him and he sounds unpleasant. You're not doing a good job of explaining why you chose to live with him. On what you've said so far I'd take your kitten and son and return to your own home, if it's still there. You can be jealous of cats, but he's being nasty to it and behaving like a drama queen.
I'm not a pet person myself but if he agreed to the cat (and you weren't begging and pleading for one so he was manipulated into it) then he should accept a cat is what you've got and get on with life.

My dh didn't like our kitten when we first got him.

The kitten has now grown into a lovely cat and him and dh adore each other He goes to dh for a cuddle instead of me now