what to do about husband's anger issues...

[mamaesi]

my husband is amazing in every way...except he cant seem to control his anger. once every three or four months he gets anger built up and explodes..it happened today as we are under stress, both of our parents are visiting and we are struggling with money...so when i asked for money as i have none(am at home um to 13 month old)...he threw my expensive camera and broke it, threw a kitchen chair, picked up all the post and threw it down the stairs...then went outside, found a parking ticket and came back in kicking the sofa.

i dont want my child around this and dont know how to get him to stop this childish behavior...which by the way he says is my fault as because 'what i say incites rage out of him'...which is pathetic.

anyone else have an angry man to deal with? any suggestions?

he's not angry is he?? thats not anger,its violence

I agree that is violence not just anger.

Get him to agree to seek anger management if he can't do that he isn't worth having.

He's not full of anger, he's full of shit.

Ask him if he'd put up with someone behaving like that. Then tell him that unless he changes completely, he's out. He'll deny it but it's not that big a step to something he throws "accidentally" hitting you.

or the baby!!

Not anger management - it's not recommended for domestic situations.

Therapy? or you'll be making alternative arrangements? It really is that bad you know.

Smashing your stuff is a red flag.

I expect he manages to keep a stiff grip on his "anger build up" at work.

Unacceptable behaviour I'm afraid, OP.

why do you have to ask for money op??

is money a trigger for him? does he see he now has to replace/repair your camera leaving even less money?

the fact he blames you for his anger is a huge red flag. my exP did(still does blame me) do this

is he a child or an adult? can he really not control himself?

i bet he can....he thinks it is ok... it is not.

but you cannot stop him - only he can.

ultimatum time - he seeks help stops this behviour elanrs to walk away and take it out elsewhere - or he leaves. it is as simple as that...

(Ps if you have other expensive items you could sell them?)

Totally unacceptable, abusive behaviour - you can't change him on this; he's made it clear he won't even take responsibility for it, because it's your fault (which is bullshit). Funny how it was an expensive possession of yours - do you think he would have thrown a camera if it was his?

You wouldn't tolerate a friend walking into the house and behaving that way and you certainly shouldn't have to deal with his behaviour - you and your child have a right to a safe, happy and nurturing home life.

I have t ask for money because I cannot find a job that does more than break even with the cost of childcare...so I am now dependent on his salary.

Of course I can say "behavior stops or I leave"... but is that really the way to get him to stop? We tried therapy a few years back but he was reluctant and although he participated, never complained about the sessions and came in a good mood etc...I dont think he really listened to therapist and after ward he said he thought it was a little bit of a waste of money. His behavior has improved over the last few years...it used to be more often.

He has never come near me... always breaking/throwing objects and such...but do you think ultimatum will work? i am not sure...
plus i want to be able to follow through with it if it happens again...but I have no where to go. Have no family here and its not easy showing up to a friends sofa with a screaming 13 month old.... although the baby and I will be away for 6 weeks this summer...

Alarm bells everywhere: having to ask for money, violent outbursts that are somehow your fault. No, not good.

He needs to deal with his issues.

oh and yes he would have slammed the camera if it was his... it was just that he was in the middle of taking pictures of our kitchen so that was the object in his hand when we started the conversation....

I think you need to be thinking in terms of an exit plan so you can walk out.

You don't want your child exposed to this kind of behaviour, it's frightening, it's dangerous (and it's bad for your household budget!)

Make sure child benefit is being paid into an account you can access, look at the 'entitled to' website to work out what benefits etc you could get in the event of a split, talk to your friends so they could be prepared for you to turn up.

Currently he has no reason to rein it in because he thinks you're trapped, so you need to become more independent and able to follow through.

Someone who vents their anger/stress/frustration in this way is arguably much more likely to tend towards abusive behaviour, but the way you talk about him suggests that these episodes are not representative of his usual character. I could get shot down for this, but I don't think that this automatically means that this will escalate into physical abuse. Makes it more likely than with your average bloke? Yes. And you can't pretend that this isn't a concern.

People have come a long way in recognising that things such as depression and paranoia are genuine illnesses that people suffer from but it is harder to do this in cases of anger management because the consequences of it can be that much more odious. You need to establish whether these episodes are because he genuinely can not control his anger and it has to come out (think of a kettle building up steam on the hob until it has to whistle) or whether there is a degree of rational thought behind them (picking up and pouring the kettle). Is it mindless raging, or do you think he is trying to send a message? If it is the former, then there is real hope of progress (though it is still a real worry). If it is the latter, then there is real cause for concern - the behaviour is controlling/threatening/intimidating, basically abusive.

None of the above makes it acceptable. Your DC definitely shouldn't have to experience it, neither should you.

well really think when you are way with baby how your life is without him. how much calmer easier not waiting for enxt outburst.

thing is he doesnt need to be violent to you because the violence towards objects says - be good or it will be you next.

and when baby is toddler and running around - one day he could get in way of one of those objects accidentally. and a camera to a tollders head could kill him... or cause brain damage. it isnt a risk you want to take.

my exP was violent towards objects - he didnt beat me up but it did lead to pushing me aournd using his force to trap me etc. throwing phone away when i tried to call 999 etc. it is very frightening. it isnt acceptable.

next time he does this -walk away. leave with your baby., give him the message you wont tolerate this.

he CAN control his behaviour - and if he reallyc ant he needs to be on calming meds permanently

i dont think you will get him to stop -he will continue this behaviour with or without you.

but it isnt just you any more - it is your baby's childhood you are talking about.

I have to agree that your post is very worrying. This isn't just 'anger', which is an acceptable and reasonable emotion to express. This is unacceptable violent and controlling behaviour - and is a big red flag IMO as this behaviour could easily progress to something much worse.

He needs to understand that it has to stop. Do you feel 100% safe raising the issue when he is being calm? If not you need to get some outside support.

BTW, even though you are 'dependent on his salary', you shouldn't have to 'ask for money' IMO. If you are equals in a relationship, having access to money should be automatic; set up with joint or accessible bank accounts or whatever. Having to ask him just demeans your position.

Another one who thinks there are huge red flags in this behaviour.

Does he exhibit this behaviour with anyone else e.g. at work, at his parent's house or at a friend's house?

And why do you have to ask for money? Why do you not just have access to a joint account? That is also very worrying.

I think you may benefit from seeing this as less of an ultimatum thing and more as a boundary thing.

An ultimatum is, in effect, a threat against one specific person - "either you stop doing what I don't like or I'll do something you won't like". Ultimatums also often come with implicit or explicit expectations for how that person should deal with the crappy behaviour, such as them getting counselling or whatever.

A personal boundary is a rule for what you will accept in terms of behaviour from anyone and what steps you will take to protect yourself if that line is crossed. It's not about expecting the other person to stop what they're doing - their choices about their behaviour is down to them. It's about getting you, and anyone you are responsible for, away from a bad situation and out to a place of safety. Even if that's just temporarily.

To explain the difference, think about if you were out in the street one day with your child and a random stranger in the street noticed they'd got a parking ticket. That stranger then started shouting and screaming and kicking the nearest tree. Would you give them an ultimatum to persuade them to stop, or would you take your child by the hand and walk away?

If your DH kicks off you are under no obligation at all to just stick around and watch his tantrum. Get your child and yourself out to somewhere safe. You might also want to have a chat with the police.

You can't deal with your DH's anger...the anger and violence are his problems...only he can deal with them.

You are only responsible for yourself and your DC...these are the people you can help.

Your DH needs to help himself and stop having tantrums like a toddler.

It seems to me your DH for whatever reason has very little respect for you or your DC, if he did respect you he would not be behaving this way. He does it because he feels he can and there will be no consequences - he feels entitled to be nasty/intimidating around you and your DC...time to look for alternative living arrangements I think.

Take it in baby steps, first find out what money you would be entitled to should you decide to leave...this action alone may at least make you feel more empowered within the relationship to start stating what is or isn't acceptable to you.

Once you have stated how his behaviour makes you feel, it may be that he stops behaving this way...if he doesn't and you decide to remove yourself and your DC from the situation at least you will be well aware of what is/isn't possible regards finances.

I have a similar situation, I will be interested to see how you feel after hearing many opinions. Some I agree with some I do not. I nearly posted something similar, but without the throwing and threatening behaviour, just the anger. Interested to hear how you feel. :)

I really appreciate the support and concern from everyone. But I did not post this in any way to talk about leaving him. I am very happy, I am convinced that he would never ever lay hand on me or my children. I did give him an ultimatum, and told him I would leave if he did it again.

I posted because I want our situation to improve and I do believe that he needs to find a way to let off steam rather than have it boil over. He somehow seems to believe that it is acceptable because all of his family say to me that the father, my husband and one of his sisters all have a bad temper...and they all just seem to accept it. And his sister is also happily married with 5 kids. I refuse to accept it, but want to find a way for him to get past it.

But an ultimatum you can't/won't follow through on and that he knows you won't, isn't going to work. That's why I was talking about having a exit plan. If you had that independence to be able to walk out, and he knew it, then (if he's willing to work on his issues) the chances are you wouldn't need to use it.

whats the point of that ultimatum??

and how on earth can you be convinced he would never lay a finger on any of you?? how?? theres a thin line between the violence you described and violence towards you

you cant be sure

let off steam? how old is he,5??

Op , you make referances to him letting off steam which is totally incorrect. You also say he cannot control his temper which again is totally incorrect. He is perfectly in control of his temper , he just chooses not to be in front of you .

Can you think of any reason why these nasty tantrums only occur at home and not at work ? Does he smash up his bosses belongings , or his freinds ? Of course not . I also guarentee his little childish tantrums would stop abruptly if the door was to knock , or the police were to arrive . How do you feel about him treating his boss , freinds , neighbours , strangers even , with more respect than he does you ?

Would you take your child to a childminder where things were being thrown around and an adult was screaming and shouting ? A nursry maybe ? Your child shouldnt have to put up with behaviour like this in his own home , it must be terrifying for him , not to mention the example it must set him.

You say he is amazing , yet to me he sounds like a manipulative childish bully . Whether your working or not you shouldnt have to ask for money , you need to take this seriously , a grown man who blames you for his horrible tantrums in not amazing at all .

you are not very happy when he explodes are you?
that is why you posted....
something is telling you this is wrong - and it is.

" he needs to find a way to let off steam" sure he does - but that is his responsibiity - he is a big boy now... you both under same stresses right?
so when was the last time you broke one of his expensive items of kicked a chair or broke an object?
why dont you act like that?
what stops you?

has he said he will do something about this? has he actually done somethng sought help?