what to do about husband's anger issues...

[mamaesi]

my husband is amazing in every way...except he cant seem to control his anger. once every three or four months he gets anger built up and explodes..it happened today as we are under stress, both of our parents are visiting and we are struggling with money...so when i asked for money as i have none(am at home um to 13 month old)...he threw my expensive camera and broke it, threw a kitchen chair, picked up all the post and threw it down the stairs...then went outside, found a parking ticket and came back in kicking the sofa.

i dont want my child around this and dont know how to get him to stop this childish behavior...which by the way he says is my fault as because 'what i say incites rage out of him'...which is pathetic.

anyone else have an angry man to deal with? any suggestions?

he does not control his anger at work either. he is his own boss, so I suppose that is how he "gets away with it"

I said I am sure that he will not lay a hand on me... you asked how...well he has never before and I have never be afraid or felt that he might or else i would have called the police or left along time ago...I trust that he wont.

he does not control me with money. There are two reasons we dont have a bank account..one being that he does not have a steady salary and there would be times when it was empty, so I could never count on it...and two because in the past I have been very irresponsible with money and actually I do not even let myself have access to large sums of money as I have a way of going through it. I am ok with asking him for money when i need it and he 9 times out of 10 gives whatever i ask for.

many of you seem to be pointing out how wrong and horrible his behavior is and I am in total agreement. I am in no way defending any of his actions...but very few have offered advice beyond "leave him" and however you may all judge me I do not want to do that at this point. I want the behavior to stop and I believe he has the ability to do so...I am just trying to figure out what is the best type of counsel, or plan for him to improve

Does he have staff? Cos if he can't control his temper at work and he has employees he will end up at a tribunal some day.

"I refuse to accept it, but want to find a way for him to get past it." Why is finding a solution to his anger your responsibility? It should be his. If he isn't willing to accept he has a problem then you aren't going to find a solution.

Wow what did you say asking for money that lead to this reaction . What was the money for?

Did his temper tantrum get him his way and you dare not ask him for any more money this day?

Amazing ability you have of with a few words making him destructive, agressive, intimidating (I'm sorry but a full grown man slinging things around is intimidation even if you don't think he would hurt you) and violent.

What are you going to do the day you incite him into a rage and that chair hits your tiny child? It needs dealing with now before an accident happens.

His behavior is violent and unacceptable. You have to tell him this and that he has to get help or it will destroy your marriage. He has to accept and admit that it is his fault he cannot control his temper, go to the doctor and ask for help.

Unfortunately this will not work as it is your fault in his opinion and he is the helpless victim. As such I doubt anything will change, you will just put up with it because you do not want to leave and allow it to happen around your child.

And just to add - you are effectively accepting his anger. There are no consequences for him to have these temper tantrums. That is why he keeps having them. You and your children are the only ones facing any consequences.

I would also keep a diary of every time he loses his temper. I suspect it may be more often than you think.

Op you havent had much advice apart from leave him because there really isnt any advice you can be given . Its not your problem . Its not for you to find a solution or a way to manage his behaviour , its for him to do , and he isnt doing it is he ? Instead he blames you for making him angry which is childish and manipulative , and a form of emotional abuse.

Im assuming youve been very clear about how this behaviour makes you feel , how frightening it must be for your son . So he knows . He just doesnt care or respect you enough to stop induldging himself . And whether hes his own boss or not , he obviously comes into contact with other humans but doesnt break their stuff or throw stuff around. Im assuming hes also horribly verbally abusive to you during these episodes too ?

If your looking for advice , this would be mine - i would state calmly and firmly that you will not accept this behaviour ever again , that if it happens again you will ring the police and have him removed from the home . Id state i wont be blamed for it or told im the cause and id mean it , and id follow through with it . Id also make it clear that if you are forced into taking that sort of action you will have to reconsider your marriage , so the balls in his court .

You cannot change his behaviour , dont even try , focus on having some boundrys and saying Thats Enough. Men like your H have no boundrys and need to be treated like a small toddler with clear consequences otherwise they will continue . Dont make excuses re blowing off steam , its actually quite serious , because if he did anything like that in my home in front of my dcs id have him locked up.

Personally op , i dont beleive hes mr perfect and then just turns into an abusive arse once every few months. I think theres probably other things going on that your not aware of , because it just doesnt work like that . So far hes physically abusive , as in breaking stuff , emotionally abusive by refusing to take on board your feelings about it and blaming you , and if he isnt verbally abusive during these tantrums ill eat my hat.

Where was your baby when all this was going on op ?

Of course its up to him to change and its not my problem... but it is my problem in that he is a part of my family.

Yes there are probably issues that I may not be aware of... but as far as I know, he IS pretty much amazing apart from this issue and we do have a healthy, relationship...which is why I want him to deal with his angry outbursts and get better so we can carry on having a nice life together...

I honestly do not understand why everyone on here is so negative and no one seems to believe that a person can overcome their anger management issues.
why do you all say that my only options are calling the police and leaving...not one person seems to think a man can stop. People overcome alcoholism and various other mental health issues...so why cant my husband come to terms with his issues and change his behavior..

time will tell. thank you again for all the support.

You need to talk to your husband. Tell him you have had enough of his angry outburst & for the sake of your child he has to stop.
There are many ways to control your anger like taking a break from the situation & going for a brislk walk around the block.

I'd tell him it's not enough just to blame me for making him react like that, noone can force you to react, it's a persons sole responsibility for their behaviour.

You do need an exit plan though because if her does do it again you will need to carry out the ultimatem you have already given to him.

You don't need to leave forever but you do need to leave to show him you are deadly serious that he needs to own his behaviour & start acting like a rational human being.

He can change, it just depends on if he wants to.

mamaesi

my H is overcoming his anger issues - with a year and a half of weekly therapy, and he's still going.
I'd say it took about a year of therapy for him to get to the point where he stopped blaming everyone else for everything (and he did have good reason to be angry with his family of origin etc.) and started really working on himself.
Old habits die hard you know.
He only started going to therapy because it was that or he lost his family.

Denial is a powerful force and I don't think you want to actually face what could well be the truth behind his outburts towards you here. Its too painful for you (you think why did I choose so badly but that's no reflection on you) and so you can't or won't face it. Your child is now also in the firing line, its not just you anymore. If you truly want to protect your child then you must remove yourselves from this situation. Your H does this also because he can; abuse in all its forms is about power and control.

This is not and has never been about anger management; this is inbuilt learnt behaviour which cannot be undone because he does not want to address his anger. Anger management as well is not recommended for domestic violence cases.

How can you still call him amazing after all he has done to you?. This is not a healthy relationship; the power balance is well in his favour with you looking powerless and thus coming across now as defensive; you are acting in his defence and defending him!. That is also typically seen in abused women. That stance (me and him against the world and I'll prove you all wrong) however, does you no favours.

He is actually not a part of your family, you married him. Likely too, his own family are all hot headed and bad tempered; if so this is learnt behaviour and deeply rooted learnt behaviour is not at all easily undone. He has also shown no remorse for his actions nor wanting to address the root causes of his behaviours. He does not think he has actually done anything wrong.

You try changing one of your own behaviours long term and you will then see how hard that process is.

Sure people can change, but the drive to do it has to come from inside that person - their partner can't do it for them. his is why you're getting the replies you have.

If he refuses to see he has a problem, then it does leave you very few options. You can show him you're serious about him needing to stop - or you can put up with it, live with the violence, your child seeing/hearing it and growing up believing this is the way to behave. And passing it on to their children in a lovely cycle of misery just as your dh is playing it out from his own childhood.

I'd choose the first option of showing him this cannot go on, which to my mind includes being able to walk out, calling the police, asking him to leave, because talking with him patently doesn't change a thing.

It is absolutely true that people can change. It's hard work and takes a lot of time and commitment but it can be done.

Nothing that you have written here gives the slightest indication that your husband wants to change. So he won't.

Why should he? He gets to explode into a tantrum of epic proportions whenever he wants and then he gets to blame you for driving him to it. Where's the motivation for him to change? Frankly, what's in it for him?

You talk about alcoholics changing but do you know what the prime motivating factor is for most alcoholics to change? It's when their behaviour has lead to them losing so much from their lives - friends, jobs, relationships, children - that they cannot bear the pain and fear of losing any more. That's what motivates them. It is well known that the longer people shield alcoholics from the consequences of their behaviour, the longer they'll keep on drinking. It's called "enabling". In ensuring that your DH experiences no consequences for his choices you are enabling his violent outbursts to continue.

Incidentally, in your complaints about how you've had no advice other than to leave your DH, did you read the one I wrote about boundaries?

why do you all say that my only options are calling the police and leaving...not one person seems to think a man can stop. People overcome alcoholism and various other mental health issues...so why cant my husband come to terms with his issues and change his behavior..

Any person can stop any behaviour if they really want to , i dont doubt your husband can stop , but he obviously doesnt want to . You cannot make him stop , and like everyone else says , he will only stop either when he wants to , or when the consequences are so serious that he has to. My ex would rather have got divorced than give up his right to bully us.

The other option as SNORBS says is boundrys . Just because hes ranting and raving doesnt mean you have to listen to it . Theres nothing to stop you leaving with your son immediateley and staying away for a few days . Theres nothing wrong in issuing an ultimatun either , ie , quit bullying us or ill reconsider our marriage . What do you think his reaction would be to you saying or doing this sort of thing ? Do you think he would continue regardless ? Because if he was to continue , after you tell him you will reconsider your marriage , you would have to deal with that .

This really isnt about his nasty outbursts at all , they are simply a symptom of a much bigger problem . He thinks its ok to do this to you , he thinks its ok to blame you , and he thinks its ok to continue despite the distress its causing. Do you behave in a way that causes him , or your son , distress ?
Of course you dont .

In my opinion there are red flags everywhere here , and in my experience this behaviour only ever escalates . Presuming he wasnt throwing stuff about on your first date there has been some escalation . While i know you say hes amazing and you have a healthy relationship , i would say this is anything but healthy . Having been in a marriage where the outbursts you describe became a regular event , along with horrible emotional abuse , i would never ever overlook something like this again.

I reccomend you read Why Does He do that by lundy bancroft , which might help you see whats really going on here .

How frightening it must be for your poor son to witness this. I wonder what he will learn about relationships and communication from this parental rolemodel. The blueprint for all future relationships.

You say he is great in every way. He sounds like a dangerous bully. What is so great about him?

OP of course people can change, but only if they want to, and only if it's them asking for help, not their spouse.

Has he said he wants help? Has he said he wants to get some counselling and can you look into what help is available? If so and that's why you're on here, that's a positive. But your post doesn't come across that way. You can want him to change until you're blue in the face, but he will never change unless he wants to.

You say you've never been afraid of him, but that's worrying in itself, because you should be frightened of somebody acting in such a violent way. It's almost as if you've lived with this so long that you think it's normal - but it's not you know!

As much as you want to defend him, please think of your baby in all this. What would happen if baby happened to be toddling past in the firing line when your H decided to start smashing the house up? It doesn't bear thinking about does it? Let alone the fact that he could grow up thinking this is normal and then go on to inflict it on his own family 30 years down the line.

I know this is horrible for you, but you do sound in denial of what's really happening here. Please at least think about your exit plan, and talk to some other outside people who can give you some neutral advice if you don't think you're getting that here. If you really do not feel afraid of him, you need to tell him that it stops now or you leave / he leaves - and mean it.

Good luck.

Did he change?

What to do about your husband's abusive rages?

The only thing YOU can do is decide when you've had enough. Since you are not your husband, you cannot control his actions. Only he can do that (and he doesn't want to, or he would already have done something about it. And no, you can't make him want to either, for the same reason as above.)

You want him to stop. He won't. What's left, OP? Two options: put up with abuse, and allow your children to be damaged by it for life, or leave.

It's your choice.

Oh sorry, didn't see how old this was. The advice in the thread is still good for the (sadly) many others in similar marriages.

My husband isn't violent in any way but his angry outbursts at seemingly small things is beginning to annoy me. Although he agrees he has a problem, everything I (or anyone official) suggests he says won't work. Any suggestions?

I suggest professional help. Chances are there's something in his past that needs working on and therapy may help. Or try Relate.

If you think it'll just be okay, or that any kids you have will be fine, please pop along to the Stately Homes thread to see how your kids may feel when they grow up.

Christmasholliday, I reckon you might be better starting your own thread as people might think is a zombie thread.

But if your dh rejects every suggestion of how to change his behaviour, it sounds to me that while paying lip-service to having a problem with anger, he's not actually committed to changing. He needs to take ownership and take responsibility for changing what he does himself. It can't be done externally by others for him.

Zombie thread!

(I've always wanted to say that.)

This man is abusive. i spent almost 4 years with someone like that. i have a child too and the best thing i ever did was walk away. It took me a while but i finally found the strength to do it and i am the happiest i have ever been in my life. you shouldn't be wondering whether he will change or not. This is your life...its about you. What do you want for yourself and your child/children.? If you want a life of happiness and peace; then i know what i would do.

K