<Deep breath> I need to talk about my mother.

[MuddledUpMama]

I've posted snippets about her before, once I even went into detail but had it deleted because it was my 'usual' posting name, but I need to talk about somethings so have name changed. This could be long.

My childhood, from the outside was a happy one. We lived in a council house with dad, my 3 siblings too, I'm the eldest. We were always 'comftable'. Foreign holidays, the lastest trendy clothes, everything we wanted at Christmas, i mean Everything. The living room would be fit to burst with presents.

My mum was the 'cool' mum of the primary, she always let us have sleepovers, rented films from blockbuster and got toffee popcorn and pringles (a big deal when your 10 and its the 90s! lol) but it just didn't 'feel' how it all looked.

My mum had a tamper. A temper no one but us ever saw. I think my auntie knew how she was, but I don't think she realised she was like that with us.

Our punishments for being naughty was the 'slipper' she had those slippers with rubber soles and she used to call us over and hold out our hands and really hit us hard on the palms. She also pulled down our lower clothing and slapped uson the thighs/ bum leaving blistering slipper marks.

She also slapped with her hands, I vaugely remember being hit with a hanger once too.

But thats not the worst of it really,

Can I just say here that we were NOT bad kids, we were just little kids who used to argue and fight, we weren't aloowed to roam the streets or get in any trouble we just played and fought with each other at home,

so even now I fail to understand just what we must have done to get these punishments awarded to us, we wre never 'bad'.

Anyways when she used to start hitting me and I would cry if i started screaming she would cover my mouth and ose with her hand, so i couldn't breathe.

She used to do it long enough for me to be clawing at her face to let me get air.

On the morning I started high school I couldn't find my new pencil case. I had been taking out all the new things from it in the garden and mansged to leave it there.

She went ballistic, telling me how much trouble I was going to be in with the teachers, slapping me, pulling my gair and well, suffocating me I suppose.

I was already terrified of starting school, by the time she dropped me off and walked me in, acting like all the other doting mums, i was a wreck.

Things were like this for a long time, I can't remember where dad was in all of this, i don't think he 'knew' how far she went TBH.

Anyways time passed and as we got older it stopped.

I didn't think about it for a long time till I had kids of my own and I've said kittle things to her but she gets so upset that I decidd never to again,

maybe she was ill? i dunno.

Now shes still the same really, to everyone else shes kind helpful, lovely, great at her job etc .... but even though she spoils us still, buying us stuff, spoiling my kids ... theres this side to her that I can see, DH can see it to. this selfish side.

Everything is always brought back to her.

Me : i feel really sick today (am pg)

mum : ooh i felt sick yesterday - ... followed by 15 minute talk about her feeling sick.

Its always like that.

I sit there like i want to cry.

Shes not a bad person.

Its hard to explain its like shes 80% this mum that i love and 20% this other thing but that 20%seems to keep growing as I'm getting older, wiser maybe??

I don't know.

I just felt I had to share this with someone.

Don't even know why I am.

I had a very messed up childhood. My mother was very violent, physically and verbally and would lash out and get out of control. She also was a wild alcoholic for my teenage years.

But my Mum was also unutterably charming and vivacious. Also a bit of a cool Mum, very glamorous and 'foreign' which made her really stand out in a 70s English village. So I really get where you are coming from.

What I sometimes think is the hardest is the normalising of some outrageous, abusive behaviour. A lot of it was explained away by my Mum being foreign - she's German so not madly exotic but it was very different when I was growing up. i kow the phrase is sometimes frowned on on Mumsnet, but she is a classic case of narcissistic personality disorder. She also was hospitalised in psychiatric untis when I was a teenager.

But there was this strange conscensus in and out of my family that no-one could say her behaviour was out of line adn we didn't deserve it. She only stopped hitting my sister and I when we started hitting her back as teenagers. My choice was to cut off contact with her which I did 13 years ago. It took me two years when I was overseas to make this decision and I have never, ever regretted it. http://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Your-Mother-Cant-Friends/dp/0385304234/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1286743842&sr=1-1 This book was pivotal in helping me.

If you do confront her, be very clear about what you want it to achieve and also how you will feel if you don't get the reaction you want. I too would recommend counselling first.

Agree with QueenOfWhatever,

I was hesitant to say 'I think my mum has NPD,' but she really does fit the bill, she 'scores' as very highly Narcissistic.

She was pretty violent at times when I was very little, around ages 4-6 years old. My daughter is 4 now and I look at her and I can't imagine what she might do to warrant me slapping her across the face or shaking her until her teeth rattled...

Your mums rose tinted specs are totally par for the course.

The good news is that you have taken the first step to feeling better about it and to eventually working it out of your system.