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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

just found out DH pays for live sex shows on the internet and am devestated.

47 replies

littlegreenie · 10/08/2010 21:53

God im gutted. found at 3 random bank statements today from 2010, 2009 and 2008, 3 seperate ones totalled nearly £1200 on live sex shows on the internet. One was from when our first son was only 3 months old. In feb i found out he was having a "virtual affair" with some woman on the net from the philapines. He apparently told her he loved her and it got out of hand. In the past i have paid off his debts and believed that we had "money issues" so dipped into my inheritance money from my mothers death to pay for big things and then i find out this. what a mug am i. I am absolutely devestated. he is a lovely father and i thought husband too but now this? I don't know how to proceed. He is on the sofa tonight but where to go next? I do love him but i really dont know what to do. We have 2 gorgeous boys of 2 and half and nearly one. I can't bear the idea of tearing their world apart, we have a lovely house, but I don't know whether i can ever trust him again.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Original poster

littlegreenie · 10/08/2010 22:07

bump! anyone?

OP posts:

armbow · 10/08/2010 22:11

Greenie

so sorry you are going through this - how are things in your relationship generally? has this all come out today - even the revelation about the on-line affair ?

armbow · 10/08/2010 22:12

sorry just read you found out in feb

armbow · 10/08/2010 22:14

in the first instance i think you need to distance yourself from him so that you can decide what you want to do.

is this the sort of thing you as a person could overcome and move on from or will it play on your mind forever if you chose to stay with him?

what has he said ? does he want to stay?

Original poster

littlegreenie · 10/08/2010 22:22

thanks armbow,

He wants to stay, says he loves me but I am starting to think he can't because why would he do this? He says he didn't know how much it cost, which is bollocks... he has bank statements. That money would have bought us a 4 star family holiday!!! insted i trawl car boot sales looking for cheap baby equipment and he watches sex shows that cost that much. I remember when i said after my second son was born how i didn't want to go back to work and he was very unsupportive. probably becuase he knew he would have to give up his little habbit?

Ever since feb i have felt i didn't quite get to the bottom of it. Oh and he is impotent too, if that makes any difference, so i tolerate that and try to be understanding and our 2 boys are conceived by syringe but he treats me like this? wtf? I so don't want to be a doormat.

OP posts:

mumblechum · 10/08/2010 22:24

He's impotent?

I guess maybe what he's doing is some desperate attempt at not being? I'm saying this very clumsily, but he clearly needs some sort of treatment for the impotence, doesn't he? Has a reason ever been given?

Original poster

littlegreenie · 10/08/2010 22:29

He says he wet the bed till he was about 10 and "its never worked down there". Its hard to deal with at times but he does get aroused but it never manages to follow through if you know what i mean so when we were TTC we used a cup and syringe. I think it could be all tied into that but it still hurts...and i dont want to waste my life with someone who is basically a selfish bastard (sorry still VERY angry) tried to do angry face there but failed, sorry new to this x

OP posts:

Poshwellies · 10/08/2010 22:29

Tell him to get counselling and then you might consider if your future involves him.

I'd say his impotence is a factor in all this,but then it's not an excuse to rack up thousands on sex cams and 'emotional' relations on eastern sex workers.

Original poster

littlegreenie · 10/08/2010 22:30

and thanks for replying mumblechum x x

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skidoodly · 10/08/2010 22:30

So he's simultaneously impotent and unfaithful, pleading poverty while paying women to perform for him?

He sounds lovely.

You have major issues here with trust - he's betrayed you both sexually and financially.

I'm struggling to think of another way he could fuck you over. Physically I suppose.

What does love mean if you are prepared to steal from and betray the person you claim to care for?

Not very much really.

He's not only stealing from you, he's also stealing from your children, so not really a great father either.

How could you even begin to forgive this level of selfishness and deceit?

It's more like you've discovered that you're married to a worthless louse than that you've found out that your decent husband has had a temporary lapse in judgement.

quaere · 10/08/2010 22:32

Call me shallow, but I'd be primarily annoyed about the money. That is a lot.

Poshwellies · 10/08/2010 22:33

He could of spent the £1500 on private counselling for his impotence and it's efects on his self confidence,he opted to use sex cams .

Feck,he could of tried going to his GP like any normal man!

for you

AnyFucker · 10/08/2010 22:35

what skid said

I am agreeing with skid a lot recently

Original poster

littlegreenie · 10/08/2010 22:35

thanks poshwellies

i am actually now feeling sorry for the little wanker downstairs sobbing into his sleeping bag (i hope) but feel after the feb revelation i need to get fucking tough on him KWIM? We have actually been talking about TTCnumber 3 in 2011, just bought a family tent talking about where we are going next summer....hunky bloody dory and then bamm - this happens. I have a feeling its not even really about me, but feel i need to put the wind right up him if i am going to stop this behaviour. does that sound mad? Or should i cut my losses and hope someone out there with a fully functional penis who doesnt squander our money on porn can make me happy?

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AnyFucker · 10/08/2010 22:37

I would say the latter, greenie

there are so many things wrong with this scenario, I don't even know where to start

skidoodly · 10/08/2010 22:40

"Or should i cut my losses and hope someone out there with a fully functional penis who doesnt squander our money on porn can make me happy?"

That's the spirit!

There are quite a lot of those men around you know...

Could you forgive him for taking that money? I'm not sure I would want to, but I think you'd need some counselling before being able to trust him.

A financially incontinent spouse can really hurt you long-term, so it's worth being sure he's over his little predilection.

I'd nearly divorce him just to make sure I wasn't going to be held liable for any more of his debts.

TechLovingDad · 10/08/2010 22:40

It sounds as if he does all this knowing you'll bail him out financially again.

He doesn't respect you. Impotence or not, he's taking advantage of you.

Bin.

Original poster

littlegreenie · 10/08/2010 22:41

thanks all, quare, i am really annoyed about the money, more than the bloody porn to be honest. Skid i agree! I just wish it wasn't my husband being a wanker. To make it worse i have no siblings, mothers dead and a step dad that is emotionally numb. Great support system - she said with sarcasm - bugger it, another glass of wine for me :(

OP posts:

mumblechum · 10/08/2010 22:44

Has he never managed to perform sexually?

It makes me wonder if something happened to him in the past, ie if no medical reason, whether possibly he's been abused or something? The bedwetting is sounding alarm bells with me tbh

Original poster

littlegreenie · 10/08/2010 22:45

But what about my poor little boys??? NO kids i'd leave him now, but what about them?? I'll be a home wrecker. Also everyone who know us will be gob smacked... we are one of those "lovely couples"....

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Tippychoocks · 10/08/2010 22:45

Wow. Such a lot of money to make one teeny peeny feel better. It is absolutely not fair that you and your children find things tight financially while he does this.

Can you make him move out while you get counselling or do you feel that it's over?

Poshwellies · 10/08/2010 22:46

Kick him out and ask him to repay all the monies paid for his porn shows.

I couldn't even bare him being on the sofa tbh.

I'd hazard a guess that he has a particular kink that gets him excited,hence paying for 'risky' excitement.

You need truthful answers from him,I doubt you'll get them though.

skidoodly · 10/08/2010 22:48

No little HE'D be the homewrecker - you know, the man who spend thousands of pounds of family money on prostitutes.

Financial security is important for children. They can't have that while their family finances can be raided by a man who will misuse them in this way.

Original poster

littlegreenie · 10/08/2010 22:48

mumblechum i have asked him but he says no. I am in counselling at the moment myself due to finding real father and he too being an arse ( i must attract them) and think he needs it. On the performance side He will get a stiffy but it never lasts and he never follows through. I have good wrist strenght lets put it that way.

OP posts:

armbow · 10/08/2010 22:49

if you decided to leave him it would be because of what he did to you - so the blame would firmly lie at his door,

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