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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

just found out DH pays for live sex shows on the internet and am devestated.

47 replies

littlegreenie · 10/08/2010 21:53

God im gutted. found at 3 random bank statements today from 2010, 2009 and 2008, 3 seperate ones totalled nearly £1200 on live sex shows on the internet. One was from when our first son was only 3 months old. In feb i found out he was having a "virtual affair" with some woman on the net from the philapines. He apparently told her he loved her and it got out of hand. In the past i have paid off his debts and believed that we had "money issues" so dipped into my inheritance money from my mothers death to pay for big things and then i find out this. what a mug am i. I am absolutely devestated. he is a lovely father and i thought husband too but now this? I don't know how to proceed. He is on the sofa tonight but where to go next? I do love him but i really dont know what to do. We have 2 gorgeous boys of 2 and half and nearly one. I can't bear the idea of tearing their world apart, we have a lovely house, but I don't know whether i can ever trust him again.

Any advice?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/08/2010 22:50

I am fucking furious at the image of you trawling the car boot sales while he spends money like a king on porn

I could never, ever respect a man like that

good father ?

no...do not try and delude yourself with that old cliche

RumourOfAHurricane · 10/08/2010 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

littlegreenie · 10/08/2010 22:51

AF you are hardcore and i like that. You speak the truth. thanks for your imput x x

OP posts:

hellymelly · 10/08/2010 22:55

Gor blimey how awful.You must feel terrible.I wonder if he can only come up with the goods when he watches porn,and had a virtual relationship because in a real one he can't function sexually,only with pornography.He sounds in dire need of therapy tbh,I can't believe this sexual situation has gone on so long.Does he do anything in real life,like visit prostitutes I wonder? (if he does as suggested have a peculiar pecadillo that gets him off).You have to completely be selfish and give yourself time to think of what you want for your future,and your boys,but they will grow up and what for you then? Him watching porn in secret while you are lonely? This is a nightmareish situation to be in.Maybe you should try and find a neutral voice just for you to talk to,so that you can properly explre how you want to proceed.

Original poster

littlegreenie · 10/08/2010 22:58

Yes SOCD the man is full of contradictions. But i do love him. Thats the tricky bit. Maybe he is impotent on line to boost his sexual esteem. I told him tonight he was a cunt bastard wanker shit and he didn't deserve a wife like me, but i never mention his little guy and its problems, think it would hurt him to the core. maybe thats at the center of it all, because everything he has done is just expensive fantasy. And ofcourse lies and squandering our future :(

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/08/2010 22:58

although he obviously has a problem, any sympathy I might have felt for him been negated by his actions that are to the utter detriment of his family, I am afraid

separate your finances...he must not use any more family money on his selfish behaviour

Original poster

littlegreenie · 10/08/2010 23:00

hellymelly,
in counselling at the mo so have space to talk it through. thanks for replying, doesnt look good does it? think i need to insist on counselling. its the only way for us to grow.

OP posts:

Poshwellies · 10/08/2010 23:01

has he had ANY medical test for his impotency?

Tortington · 10/08/2010 23:02

sounds like a total twat.

i would start a process of gathering all the information i could about your situation, only at this point can you make a fully informed decision.

so go to a solicitor and find out about what your dh has to pay with regards to your home and what his rights are with regrds to him staying in the home.

go to cab and ask them about financials, get them to do an assessment and help you work out what you can afford to pay a nd what you will need in various scenarios to keep your home should you divorce - eg. how much will your household income be as a single parent claiming benefits, part ime job + claiming benefits, full time job etc.

contact relate go to councelling - they also do sexual counselling.
get him to go to doctor - be referred for councelling, depression whatever

cancel the fucking internet.

hellymelly · 10/08/2010 23:02

Ok so he is impotent,he uses hardcore porn.He lies and steals from his WIFE and uses her money from her dead mother to pay for the porn he is watching in secret.He has major issues with intimacy that he is too weak or too selfish or too frightened to address even for the sake of his loving wife and small children.WHY do you love this man?

jonicomelately · 10/08/2010 23:02

Kids need financial security but they also benefit from loving fathers too. I think he needs help. If he's willing to own up to his mistake why not get some help with the relationship? The porn thing could be a misguided attempt to 'cure' himself. The money he spent is outrageous but is he sorry? Lots of people waste huge amounts of money they could be spending on their children (cars, shoes, cigarettes).

Original poster

littlegreenie · 10/08/2010 23:04

He was "dragged" to get viagra by a former girlfriend. They did the diabetes type tests but nothing more indepth. feel as though he is a closed book. Maybe he won't be so closed if he feels he is going to loose a wife that understands his problems and go to being a single divorced dad who watches porn for fun... what a catch

OP posts:

Original poster

littlegreenie · 10/08/2010 23:07

joni, i still have hope, thanks for your perspective x

OP posts:

nobodysfool · 10/08/2010 23:11

So sorry your having to go through this with nobody to support you.
IMO he sounds like a total mess.Certainly sounds like he needs help both physically and mentally (bed wetting till he was 10/not being able to ejaculate rings alarm bells) but i dont think you should be there to support him this is clearly a deep rooted problem and you shouldnt be dragged down with him.
He knew what he was doing and still went ahead with it and when you were probably feeling at your most vunerable after you had just had your child.
Personally the fact that he felt the need to watch live porn shows would upset me more than the money though that obviously has rubbed salt in the wounds.
Sounds like a nightmare of a man and one that you and the children could do without.
My heart goes out to you and i hope you find a way through this.x

Original poster

littlegreenie · 10/08/2010 23:19

thanks ladies,
I am new to this site, its been a real help. Think i am going to ask him to move out for a couple of days. Its a big family BBQ at the weekend for my youngest ds 1st birthday. so we'll have to go. He has already said " what will you tell my mum" It feels so stupid to wreck everything, for the sake of something so shallow. What a fucking wanker. Thanks for letting me vent ladies, will try to update if i can work out how and will become more animated too if i can work that out also:) ...hey i managed a smile! x

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/08/2010 23:22

greenie, pleased to "meet" you

just sorry it had to be under these circumstances

"what will you tell my mum ?"

pathetic

are you always going to have to be the grown-up in this relationship ????

Original poster

littlegreenie · 10/08/2010 23:26

AF
good point. Something to think about. Pleased to meet you too x :o hey did i manage a grin??

OP posts:

jonicomelately · 10/08/2010 23:29

Further to what I've already said, I think you should consider the possible explanations. Either he's a total prick who, without a thought for his family, spends money on porn. Alternatively he has a real physical problem and as I've already suggested is foolishly trying to 'cure' himself. Another possibility is that something happened to him in his childhood that affected him emotionally to such an extent that he's now impotent. If I were you I wouldn't ask him if this is the case. If he wanted you to know he'd have told you by now. You could however point him in the direction of professional help. Whatever the case good luck and whatever happens I hope it turns out well for you.

Eurostar · 10/08/2010 23:31

What a horrible shock for you. To pay for porn when there is so much free stuff there certainly seems to show him to be looking for something particular. Is it possible there's abuse in his childhood he's trying to make sense of? Or maybe he's paying for the cam girls who do what you tell them to do on command which gives him a sense of power? Anyway, that's all speculation.
He needs to find a psychosexual therapist. This would be the place to start www.basrt.org.uk/

I'm wondering what you get out of this relationship? Sounds like you've been willing to compromise in order to create a family (and be part of his family?)because of your own lack of family?

Original poster

littlegreenie · 10/08/2010 23:37

Eurostar you are sharp. Loved him from the third date but felt trepadation as to what i was getting into. He is a good soul, you know? But my lack of family is a big issue becuase if we split and my mum was still here i would just go home, but i have no family left to go to:( I do love him, but am wondering where my needs are in all this....

OP posts:

lazydays2 · 11/08/2010 00:06

I may be in the minority here but I suspect most blokes indulge in porn, given how readily available it is online these days. It's basically replaced the mags stash. Your DH sounds naive to be paying such large sums for it, which whilst you're working to a budget is wrong. But I suspect on it's own, isn't worth ending your relationship for but on top of the other issues you deal might seem like a deal breaker. But if you're both still in love it's worth working at a getting past this. Might even be a way to address the other issues you've not been dealing with.

Eurostar · 11/08/2010 00:31

No one would blame you for wanting a family and social support, it's very hard to live without one. Hopefully you'll be able to explore this with your counsellor?

lazydays2 - yes, net porn has replaced the mags stash, and it's free, there's masses of it, films, pictures, blogs, all free. The stuff you pay for is satisfying particular needs and for this to be done by a man who cannot keep an erection means there is so, so much more than just a cyber version of a mags stash. I agree that it's worth seeing if DH here can be helped through therapy in case the family can stay together but it's not within the OP's possibilities to cure him and he must want to change himself. As someone else pointed out, with the money he has dropped on porn he could have had a course of private therapy with a top person in the profession. So at the moment, he's not showing any willingness to change - perhaps because he doesn't need to as the OP has accepted him and supported him up until now.

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