Bitten off more than I can chew

[Slowcoach24]

Help mumsnetters. I thought I was living out a dream - big beautiful house - a reno project - in a new location. But I just feel exceptionally down, and perhaps mildly depressed. All I see is all the renovations that needs to be done and I can't motivate myself at all. I question why we bought such a large house (5 bedrooms) - I was so excited by the prospect of getting stuck into the renovations, hunting for furniture, doing it up, getting creative. Now I feel almost sick about it. It seems so lavish and pointless - all this so we can live in a nice home. I try to remind myself its about creating a home for my family, but ugh. My mood drops as soon as I come 'home'. I don't trust myself to make good decisions. I feel like I'm someone I'm not - suddenly a person doing a renovation - when I crave my old one bed flat. I feel embarrassed when anyone comes round because I feel as though I'm showing off when really im cringing so much. I also feel terrible - I appreciate that I im in a very furtunate position so wtf can't I just crack on like a normal person. Are these feelings normal? I am prone to bad anxiety and depression. Please be gentle as I am at a low ebb, even though I know that's completely ridiculous.

Totally understand, you've bitten off more than you can chew. Can you hire a PM to manage everything for a few months, so you can admire progress and end product?

We have done 3 complete renovations in home to live in, mostly our own DIY efforts, including stripping out all walls and ceilings. During all of them I have reached the point you’re at. It’s a bit like running a marathon and hitting the wall. Try to make one space a comfortable escape, not necessarily finished, but away from the chaos.
In every renovation thins look worse before they come together, rewiring, re plumbing involve wrecking plasterwork, lifting floors etc.
You’ll get there.

Things*!

Hi OP! 👋
It's tricky and it is like a marathon.
I agree with a PP who said make one space comfortable.
It's easy to get bogged down with overwhelm when there is not one finished rooyeas yet. 💯

My hubby has a saying, run the mile you're in, don't focus on the finish line.
Just concentrate on one room at a time (easier said than done) and it will unfortunately take time (unless you pay megabucks to tradesmen to sort it all out).
But the slog will be worth it.
@Slowcoach24

So I can’t say for sure but I do think this is reasonably normal- Google “buyers remorse.” Likelihood is it will pass as you get used to the new place and start making progress with the reno. My advice would be to get the main areas liveable, do one room up nicely so you’ve got a nice place to retreat and then take your time. Then see how you feel.

Above all do not embark upon a massive extension without really thinking it through- in most lovely old houses (money pits) the budget is better spent making the space you’re got work better- especially if you’re not sure you’ll stay.

And have a word with yourself about feeling like you’re showing off. My house is beautiful but I have it because I’ve always worked/ studied since the age of 18 and I look after it well. Plus I know there are thousands of people in “better” houses than me, and most of my friends wouldn’t change places (too old/ cold/ a bit remote) so 🤷‍♀️

I’d be a bit wary about this. Unless you’ve got mega bucks or you know the PM really well I think they can not always help- 9 times out of 10 you end up managing the manager!

Sorry you're feeling like this @Slowcoach24 😔

I feel you as we've done eight, predominantly DIY renovations (for ourselves, not to sell/make a profit), all whilst living on site and all were old, crumbling wrecks (one was a six bed, 3500 sq ft house that had been converted to several grotty flats in the 1960s) and it's often not much fun!

It does get better (she says, looking around at her current cottage with no boiler and dangling cables everywhere 🤣) and the feeling of achievement when it's all finished is amazing, particularly if you've learned new skills along the way.

Like other posters, I recommend concentrating on getting one room completed so you have a sanctuary to escape to (this was a actually a walled courtyard within a huge garden at our last house, but at this one - purchased in Sept '24 - it was our bedroom).

Make detailed lists for every room and set mini projects to finish, then reward yourselves with a nice day/evening out when the target is met. Good luck!

Yes @Slowcoach24 as others have said, break it down into small projects and then break those down into manageable bits. And set yourself a realistic, achievable target, for example ‘strip the paper on 2 walls in bedroom 3’. Also as others have said, maybe start with something that will be a sanctuary - your bedroom, or an en suite ‘retreat’ or cosy study or book area? My friend did one corner of her kitchen diner - she had a book case, loungey chair and a light so she could
cosy up with a book and look at the view?

Was the house lived in prior to you buying it? There is a little known government scheme to get empty homes back into a liveable state and there are tax exemptions on the renovation costs. If it was empty 2+yrs, let me know and I will send you the links/info etc.

I agree with having a room/area that is away from the renovations. We lived in a caravan in the garden because the house was unliveable. It was a lovely escape though, clean and dust free!

I had never designed a kitchen/bathroom from scratch, nor had to choose paint colours for an entire home before. Its daunting, but there are lots of sites online to help. Bathroom/kitchen show rooms can give inspiration and having a mood board (which I should have had!) can help. We aren't finished, but can live inside the house now. I love the area, the neighbours, having wildlife in the garden and its a world away from our city centre flat.

Major renovations are stressful for everyone OP, but even more so for someone with anxiety. Are you getting support for that?

DH and I bought a place that needed renovation. There was going to be an overnight gap before we could move in. We checked in to a hotel nearby, had dinner and sat in the bar discussing the place.

We both agreed that the best thing that could happen would be the place burned down overnight! Several years later it was a completely different home.

I can 100% relate to how you feel. Our house is much smaller but to me, even that amount of work feels overwhelming. Everything that needs doing is such that once completed, doesn't result in a room we can use or do anything with. I don't feel like any progress is being made even though logically I know things are getting done.

We replaced the windows first, then the guttering (twice). Just recently we had new joists and floorboards in the front room and new boards in the front bedroom. We still need to get the walls plastered which realistically won't happen until the new year. Only then can we start to think about decorating the walls and ceilings, then the laminate can go down....and only then can we actually use the room. And that's assuming we don't lift a tiny piece of wallpaper and have the wall crumble before my eyes.

I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing, if the quotes I'm getting are reasonable or if the work is of good quality!!!

No words of advice other than knowing you're not alone.

Oh gosh I know exactly where you’re coming from.
As other have said concentrate on one room then have a break from it all, for as long as you like!

It’s hard anyway but recent astronomical price rises for building materials and plumbers/electricians etc, make it so much worse imo. We renovated just before Covid then have just finished another one and can’t believe the differences in costs. It’s put me off ever doing another one.

Thank you everyone, I appreciate the support and its good to know I'm not alone in feeling like this. Did anyone just feel like this just isn't who I am and I just feel embarrassed. Like who do I think I am to have this big house that requires all this work. It just all feels so indulgent. I think I just miss my simpler past life. My husband is very happy here and I feel bad that I'm just negative about it. Sorry guys, think i just feel very down about it all.

Ohhh I feel this and my house wasn’t even in that bad a state to start with, I’ve just fucked it more and now I’m trying to put it back 😁 we moved in almost exactly a year ago and as of today I’ve finished…one room. And there isn’t one other room that I haven’t started or messed up to some degree.

I know exactly what you mean about feeling like you’re showing off in some way. I felt so awkward when we had our first visitors over to see the house. Like it wasn’t anything to do with me, I hadn’t built it, why am I showing it off? Am I showing it off or just showing you round? Very weird feeling.

You’ll get there. Can you take a break from it for a bit? Are you living in it at the same time?

@CowardlyCravenCunt yeah thats it. I love interiors and value it hugely - but all of a sudden I literally loathe it all. I think a previous poster is probably right I'm experiencing quite extreme buyers remorse. I hate it when people come over to the house to see it - like its an event. I dont know, I miss my cosy old flat. It wasn't much to look at but it was ours. Modest. Cosy. I just feel like a bit of a prick with a big kitchen. Is this normal!?

Oh I totally relate. I actually got a job outside the home because of this experience. It gets better but only when you make some progress on the house. Mine still gets me down sometimes and that’s only when I think about it.

Yes! I work from home so just look around me constantly and think oh god

Has anyone here ever hired an interior designer? It's so ridiculous but I really feel I need help once it gets to that point :( wish I could just chill tf out and enjoy the process but I just wish it was all done....

Aww sounds normal. A home isn't a house. It isn't a building. It's the choices you make for decorating, furnishing and your personal belongings. A home is where you feel comfortable. So, it's perfectly normal to feel alienated in your own home until it becomes one.

I would focus on making one small change a day (plus the big ones) and to remember that one day, it will be finished!

I totally know how you feel - I've lost the will to live many times over the years living in my money pit. Watching the movie was funny - living it really is not!

Make it as liveable as you can for now - you will be in it for the long-haul. Everything takes far longer than you think. So rugs, curtains etc in as many rooms as possible, make them homely. Some rooms, you can just choose to shut off, use as storage, until you want to start work on them.

Make a list of tasks, big & small, for each room. Prioritise.

I've never got an interior designer, but I have spent hours and days scouring the internet for ideas and often, the best rooms I've done have been copying something I came across by chance online, or noticing a gorgeous room in a film or TV drama.

I do know how you feel - the overwhelm is something else, and there has been many a time I've wished I sold up years ago and bought a new build instead.

For 20 quid a month buy a ChatGPT license and have some fun visualising what each room could look like, colours,furniture, curtains and blinds. It will give a greater sense of reality. Ask it to help budget and time manage each room in turn so you eating that elephant sandwich one bite at a time.

Even if it takes a few years you need to see steady progress so you don't sink into the DIY abyss !

When did you move? It’s very common to get starry eyed about renovations when you’re house hunting and then when you get in, reality dawns on you.

You really have to view the house as a long term project. Don’t think about it all at once, think about it one room at a time. But you to have an interest in renovation, I think. Have you made any progress at all? Just pick a room, ignore the rest of the house and focus down on that one.

We moved to a real doer upper. I spent the first month crying, stripping wallpaper, cleaning and missing my old house. We’re 4 years in and have managed about half of it. I do have a big interest in renovation though and have always loved period properties, so I don’t resent my time and money on it.

Thank you everyone I really appreciate your words. I am currently working from a cafe to avoid being at home which feels a little sad. If I can make a little bit of progress that would be good. I shall make lists for each room as people have said. I just keep having an existential crisis of this isn't what I want to be doing with my time- but then its literally all I've wanted to do! So I'm really confused. I'm a sensitive soul and big time over-thinker so think its just gotten the better of me. I didn't realise doing a renovation would shake me to my core so much!

Very normal, you always hit the wall. Then you come through the other side and find yourself skipping around thinking how lucky you are. It's a wild ride emotionally.