I am VendorZilla. Do Not Mess With My House!

[VendorZilla]

It's an Art Deco 'palace'.
For the photos, I made sure everything was absolutely perfect, spotless, neat (even inside all the cupboards that are within my control). I ironed all the beds and vacuumed all the curtains. The cars were tidied on the driveway and the footpaths have all been washed. Bushes are trimmed, weeds dug up, beds covered in matting and bark to keep it smart. The treehouse has been swept, the swings have been wiped with Dettol wipes and the slide has been polished. We are about to go live online, as soon as the descriptions and photos have been approved.
How the hell do I keep it perfect for viewings? It's killing me!

brilliant. Especially the idea of tidying the cars on the driveway.

if you are really selling, good luck to you!

That is my problem. I obviously need to put my house on the market, then I would actually get it all clean and tidy....

You ironed the beds?????

Bed frames and all?

Move out, and take everything unnecessary with you.

you have cupboards that are not within your control?

are they controlled by the Cupboards Agency?

I fear the OP has a gnome infestation in at least one of her cupboards.

Do that every week, obviously. Send the children to live with the grandparents (or out for lunch before booked viewings) so you can blitz the place.

are you selling OP because the cupboards have control?
thats a bit worrying.

Love it!!!
I thought I was VendorZilla but it's good to know I am not alone in my OCD attempts at perfection.
caught wiping the front door lintel with a baby wipe and tippexing minor paint chips on skirting !!!

No don't move out - just tell the rest of the family to make alternative arrangements for however long it takes to sell. Shouldn't be more than a couple of months, I'm sure they'll figure something out. Use the additional time to remove non-symmetrical petals from your flowers, vacuum the carpets in stripes and fgs woman, get control back from those cupboards. Robert Dyas will have something to deal with it.

oh you really are a candidate for an open house.

Iron the bed frames...of course not, that would be silly. No, I didn't iron the frames but I did find that between laundering/ironing bedding, storing in the airing cupboard, removing from the airing cupboard and getting it onto the bed, it had acquired 'lines' so I ironed it on the bed. With pillows and duvet appropriately inserted and positioned.
Cupboards outside of my control 'belong' to DH, DS and DD. There are 'joint ownership' cupboards (kitchen, hallway) which do seem to be infected with something, though I haven't yet worked out what and will endeavour to locate appropriate traps once I work out which type and size I need. Chocolate and crisps provide distractions to devastation but that impacts elsewhere; crumbs, wrappers, finger marks... Somehow, the spice jars keep turning themselves round so the labels aren't all lined up properly.
And dog leaves hairs on carpets/furniture AND nose prints on glass! He will be deported to dog-sitter for open house week.
Do you think I should varnish the logs in the grate? They're real logs as it's an open fire. I vacuum them regularly as the chimney sweep isn't as attentive as I'd like so we do get a bit of dust falling down. Dusters won't work because the logs snag lint and it doesn't look nice.

I think you should get rid of the logs altogether (which let's face it, reek rather of lentil-weaving hippiness) and get coal - the darling little lumps can polish up beautifully . You have been suspiciously quiet about bathrooms - I trust you have replaced all taps, regrouted and only have brand new toothbrushes and unsqueezed toothpaste in the cabinet?

Impossible! On a serious note, when we were selling we rented a storage unit and movedall that rubbish that will hang around for ten years before making it to a skip anything that was not absolutely essential into it. It made it easier to keep the flat ready for viewing and easier for when we did actually move.

Why didn't my strikethrough work????

My friend kept her house spotless for viewings, then let her standards slip once they had accepted an offer and done viewings for buyer, buyer's goldfish parents etc. So then there was dust everywhere, boxes and half-dismantled furniture stacked up and skip on the drive etc. Then they wanted to come round measure for curtains - 'I said I'd send measurements and that I'd leave the curtains but they are insisting' and because it was another family from school she tidied up

Just don't make it look so good that you want to stay!

I once viewed a home and the opened the cupboards - I thought the towels and flannels where going to salute the owner they were that flipping neat.

It un-nerved me as if I had purchased the house it wouldn't have been that neat and I would have let the house down - therefore I didn't put in an offer

my favourite was opening cupboards in a flat I was viewing & they had stockpiled canned food, rice, water, batteries etc as they had a fear of the Y2K bug destroying society

Oooh, I was being shown around a house and the owner opened a cupboard and there was a human dog collar with spikes pointing inwards

I wasn't going to mention bathrooms lalalonglegs, but since you did... we have a bathroom and a shower room. I've had to have a ban on use of the bath as it's huge and needs special climbing equipment to access the entire area. The shower is easier to clean as it's a walk-in wet room, although as it's marble and granite, I need to resurface and refinish the tiles to make sure they're good and shiny. I've got some posh soap and toiletries for the shelves and will hide the Head & Shoulders and the (shhh...) Femfresh so as not to give a poor impression. Toilets are separate rooms and are also reasonably easy to clean. Obviously we have a set of attractive dispenser bottles of hand wash and lotion to display by the basin while hiding the manky currently used soap and dish in the shed.
There are no sex toys in the house.

Girl after my own heart. My DH told kids 'keep moving or Mum will bin you!'
I want to come and view it now!