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Original poster

Ok so we finally have a place at the loooovely little primary we wanted - HOW on earth do I convince Ds that he wants to go back?

36 replies

WeLoveFabio · 10/10/2008 11:51

He's been HE'd since Easter, we have moved house, we lost our place and have finally been offered a year one place at a vewry good and much competed for little school in the middle of town.
We know about 10 families that go there but are not on playdate terms with any of them...except one, but that little boy is a year older so won't be in ds's class.

I was very pleased to be offered the place as I've been under massive pressure from everyone in my family to send him to school - they can't abide the whole idea of HE and tbh that makes it almost impossible to manage as I have no partner and need their support.

However I am happy for him to try school again as I only intended taking him out for a term while we moved house, and he was struggling to cope with reception as he was very very tired. I always thought he would go back in the autumn.

Anyway have mentioned it to Ds who is adamant that hye does not want to go to school, because he is afraid of leaving me. I've been ill recently but am Ok. I've told him I really want him to try it just even for a few weeks as I know he'll like it.

I've told him Grandma really wants him to as well, and that I'll wait outside and wave to him at play time, and that he'll know lots of friends there already.

I have even offered to get him some of those horrific toy-in-heel shoes from cl*rks. as he wanted some a while back.
And a chemistry set.

But no, he is not happy about it.
We have till half term basically to get it together - also he does not like reading or writing and will definitely need extra help with those. I hope they won't push him too much immediately.

Please if you can think of anything I can do to prepare him for it...I am at a loss!

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Original poster
WeLoveFabio · 10/10/2008 11:51

Am FA btw

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Original poster
WeLoveFabio · 10/10/2008 11:53

Sorry for typos. am in a caffeine frenzy having just consumed a fun size packet of magic stars.

I shoudl say he liked school before, made friends easily, was great except for being knackered. And a nightmare at home!!

OP posts:
Eniddo · 10/10/2008 11:53

What a shame you didn't get more support from your family.

Can you talk to his teacher to be about his fears so he can go in for a hour or so one afternoon before half term?

Original poster
WeLoveFabio · 10/10/2008 11:54

Has anyone ever done that?

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Original poster
WeLoveFabio · 10/10/2008 11:54

Oops!!

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Original poster
WeLoveFabio · 10/10/2008 11:55

Yes I think that is a good idea Enid. I'm trying to get him interested but tbh I think he just feels a bit scared of the unknown. He's learnt a lot this summer but been a bit lonely. That's what everyone objects to - that it's just me, him and his baby bro, no other 5yos to shove about etc. I can see what they mean.

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Original poster
WeLoveFabio · 10/10/2008 12:07

Bump

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Eniddo · 10/10/2008 12:11

my dd1 would have HATED going to school if she had been HE'ed

I think you just have to bite the bullet and take him in

he may be tougher than you think - and often the anticipation of going is worse that the going itself

edam · 10/10/2008 12:11

Has ds ever seen the school, or visited it? Would the headteacher be OK if you took ds along to have a look?

Guess he needs LOTS of reassurance that you are OK and it's safe to leave you.

Original poster
WeLoveFabio · 10/10/2008 12:20

Yes he has seen it a couple of times, we applied there initially - so he knows the layout etc. It's just the mad rush of other children I think.

It's ironic that I was quite keen on HE before, and now I'm genuinely happy for him to do school he doesn't want to.

When he went back to the school where he did reception, he liked seeing his friends but felt really 'out of the loop'. He'll need acceptance and to be ignored I think. He doesn't like a fuss.

He is highly sociable normally with everyone, anyone, strangers etc. and very entertaining so will have reserves to draw on in that sense but I think it is the anticipation more than anything.

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Original poster
WeLoveFabio · 10/10/2008 17:55

Bump for the evening lot

I'm getting nowhere with the toy-in-shoes thing btw...but have bought 8 pairs of navy blue shorts very cheaply in Mothercare!!!

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CarGirl · 10/10/2008 18:05

I would just say "this is the way it is" when you you get the "I don't want to go" I would do the listening talk back thing "Oh you sound like you think you won't like it?"

etc etc etc

Ulitmately yes you need to talk through his fears but you are his mum and he needs to know that you do know what is best for him IYSWIM

Turniphead1 · 10/10/2008 18:14

I agree with Cargirl. I am not big on bribery. He will sense your desperation with the whole "you can have shoes with toys in if you do to school"...(but I understand the ethos - making school fun etc).

I would say;

" You are going to school. I understand that it will be strange at first going back to school - but there will be lots of nice children there and you will enjoy it after a while don't worry. I will be there to pick you up every evening etc etc". Basically, acknowledge his fears about going to something new, but be firm that this is what is happening. You don't need his permission - you are the adult, he is the child. And I wouldn't bang on about Grandma wanting him to go etc. Again, that's irrelevant - you are the parent. Lots of cuddles, listening to him about worrying about school - but very clear that's whats happening.

Original poster
WeLoveFabio · 10/10/2008 18:31

Ok...thanks. That will save me £35 quid then

Seriously I think you're probably right. The whole thing gets mixed up with my own memories of starting school which was frankly horrendous. So I'm very anxious not to give him that sense of abandonment.

I will listen and cuddle and go over stuff with him. I think I need to keep a level of honesty around it though - I'll agree with him that there are shitty things about school as well as good, but that I want him to go and try it, and I will definitely be thinking about him the whole time and so on.

I'm going to break it down into a week at a time for him I think and say, 'look, this is going to be over with really soon and then we will have the whole weekend together' and make it seem manageable rather than the unfathomably long 'forever' that I think he is contemplating. It's only going to be a few weeks before Christmas anyway.

Do you think I can ask the school to handle him a certain way - or will they just say 'we know what's best' etc etc? That was what the old one was like and I did feel very disenfranchised on his behalf iyswim.

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Turniphead1 · 10/10/2008 18:49

I personally not really keen on the whole "it will be over with by end of week" thang. I worry you are projecting some of your own experiences of school onto him. That is quite a negative thing to say. Reception class these days should be pretty much all fun and play. Not like our day!

Keep it open - ask him about his worries if any, and then when he has started - be open and honest about any difficulties he may have.

As for asking school "handle him in a certain way" hmmmm - they may not appreciate that very much. The fact is, as a school they WILL have handled just about every type of child/scenario - if they are a good and loving school. But there is nothing wrong with making an appointment with the teacher/T.A beforehand to discuss his previous experience of school - being honest about your own hang-ups (which from your OP sound like they may be the root of some of the problem, IMHO - but I appreciate you may have kepy his problems the first term fairly breif).

The bottomline is ALL children who just started reception are knackered (I can see it accruing as the weeks pass with my DD) - and they will build up a tolerance for it as they mature and get used to it. But a break may have done him the world of good. Alas, he now has the view, understandably, that school is optional. Which it's not if you have chosen to back to mainstream.

Original poster
WeLoveFabio · 10/10/2008 18:57

Hmm. I appreciate what you're saying and am taking it on board.
I think there's more to it than him thinking it's optional. I think he's had a lot to contend with lately and is just anxious about leaving me here while he is somewhere else. I'll try to be more positive though.

Thanks for all your thoughts. I do have trouble being objective but I do think it will be a good thing for him now.

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Original poster
WeLoveFabio · 10/10/2008 18:58

Btw what is yr 1 like in terms of expectations? He isn't too good on the literacy front. I haven't pushed it as he tends to learn very very fast when he is interested, and not before.

I am a bit worried they'll think he is thick, when he's actually not.

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Twiglett · 10/10/2008 19:10

i'd stop talking about it tbh .. he's going and that's that because you're the mummy and you know what's best

pointygravedogger · 10/10/2008 19:17

Are you absolutely sure you want him to go to school? If so, you just have to get on with it, speak to teh school, be calm and firm and it'll all settle down.

AbbeyA · 10/10/2008 19:19

I would talk to the school and sort out a way of letting him in slowly. Perhaps just go for an hour to start with, he will probably really enjoy it and you can ease him into full time. It is a daunting prospect if you are used to a one to one at home.

Twiglett · 10/10/2008 19:34

I'd be really surprised at a school allowing a year 1 pupil to go in for an hour a day .. that sounds incredibly disruptive to the teacher and rest of the class

CarGirl · 10/10/2008 19:43

In terms of where they are, I think many children in year one are still on the first level of books (ie the ones they started on in reception) and haven't really started to learn to read. I'd be upfront with the school and say that your main focus for your son is that he is happy and well behaved and participates in school so that it is a positive experience for him and them. That his academic achievement is not something you are concerned about at the moment. TBH they are 5 or just 6 at the very most what does it matter whether they can read or write or do maths it doesn't. Yes it matters that they are "well behaved" ie not disruptive to others and that their concentration span is improving but beyond that happy, pleasant to others and socially appropriate are the most important things to me. I say this as a Mum who has 1 very able child, 1 who was on the SEN list throughout reception and may not ever reach average and 2 younger ones - well who knows about them, my 5 year old is disgusted at the lack of play in year 1 and voices this opinion regularly - lol!

Smee · 10/10/2008 19:52

tbh, if the school won't meet and talk to you about how to help him settle, I'd find that a bit worrying. Go talk to them - they might well be brilliant and put your mind at rest. I'd say go for it, be hugely positive but of course listen to him and help him face any problems and find ways through. Whatever you do though, don't have a wobble at the first hiccup - after all there's more than likely going to be something he doesn't like. From what you've said about him, he sounds like the sort of kid who'll love school. Hope so, for both of you.

Smee · 10/10/2008 19:55

Just looked at your post again - have you really told him you want him to try, even if it's just for a few weeks?? Honestly if I did that with my son, he'd always try and back out. Lots of kids would prefer to be at home with their mum given the chance. I really think you need to withdraw that one, even if secretly it's an option.

julesrose · 10/10/2008 19:59

It sounds a classic case of separation anxiety - and in a way you are lucky as you know what his fear is, ie that you will get ill. This means he'll (possibly) be worrying about you being ill while he's not with you. There are all sorts of strategies to get through it and if you've got half a term, and the school are willing to work with you it could be pretty straight forward. A gradual re-introduction would probably be a good idea. Might be worth getting a referal to local CAMHS especially if there is no waiting list, as their psychologist could work with the school and help take the pressure off you. One of the best things you can do is have the attitude 'I know it might be hard, but I know you can do this.' Not sure how much it will help if you are waiting outside waving to him at playtime - he might just feel that you really are worried about him not coping. And that will add to it - him worrying about you worrying.

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