Ok so we finally have a place at the loooovely little primary we wanted - HOW on earth do I convince Ds that he wants to go back?

[WeLoveFabio]

He's been HE'd since Easter, we have moved house, we lost our place and have finally been offered a year one place at a vewry good and much competed for little school in the middle of town.
We know about 10 families that go there but are not on playdate terms with any of them...except one, but that little boy is a year older so won't be in ds's class.

I was very pleased to be offered the place as I've been under massive pressure from everyone in my family to send him to school - they can't abide the whole idea of HE and tbh that makes it almost impossible to manage as I have no partner and need their support.

However I am happy for him to try school again as I only intended taking him out for a term while we moved house, and he was struggling to cope with reception as he was very very tired. I always thought he would go back in the autumn.

Anyway have mentioned it to Ds who is adamant that hye does not want to go to school, because he is afraid of leaving me. I've been ill recently but am Ok. I've told him I really want him to try it just even for a few weeks as I know he'll like it.

I've told him Grandma really wants him to as well, and that I'll wait outside and wave to him at play time, and that he'll know lots of friends there already.

I have even offered to get him some of those horrific toy-in-heel shoes from cl*rks. as he wanted some a while back.
And a chemistry set.

But no, he is not happy about it.
We have till half term basically to get it together - also he does not like reading or writing and will definitely need extra help with those. I hope they won't push him too much immediately.

Please if you can think of anything I can do to prepare him for it...I am at a loss!

If you can't get professional help - or may not want to, there's a pile of stuff on line (Separation anxiety / school refusal).

Thankyou for all the help here. I had to let ds do some cbeebies nonsense as he woke up after a nightmare (was crashed out on sofa) so missed some posts.

I'm liking the 'I know you can do this' line. I do struggle with wanting him to do it and this makes it very hard to adopt one single approach, as I really don't want to get it wrong this time for him; my mother just said on the phone, 'well, most children survive school' and I said to her, 'yes but Mum, that's the point, I really didn't - psychologically. I have been left with all sorts of issues and it was truly the most miserable time of my life. I am scared of the bad side of it but want him to have the good side.

I told her that I want us all to sort of 'cushion' him IRL, I mean focus on getting him through the first few weeks, as our project if you like - it needs all to be about him in that sort of subtle supportive way that is so hard to get right!

I am sure he can pull it off and will be encouraging him big time.

I'm going to need your help though so will be back to ask for more advice as we go - thankyou again

By the way Julesrose what is CAHMS please? Where can I contact them? That sounds really good as I do think he's going to need a bit of extra support from the school.

CAMHS is Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service, and you should be able to get a referal from your GP. Make sure they know that you need an appointment pretty sharpish as it would be great if you could get it sorted before he starts next term. They'll helpp him and just as importantly be able to help you separate your experiences from his. As he loved school before, I'm sure he will again. Did you get any good info from googling?

Thankyou, I will try to get someone to refer us tomorrow, we can do phone appts now which is great.

Have not been googling yet but I have got a lot of books around separation anxiety and will have a read over the next few weeks. I feel better about this now I've posted here.

Now I just need to find the nametapes!

DS2 went back to school last Feb after 7 months of HE, he also has huge separation anxiety (he's 9). He would probably have preferred to stay at home but I didn't think it was working for him educationally so basically I made the decision and presented it as a fait accompli. I stressed all the positives (making friends, playground equipment, etc.) and was relentlessly upbeat about it, even when he did his usual tears in the mornings routine. He got used to it, is going well and is happy. I think if I had given any hint that he had an option he would have played on that so personally I would't tell your son that he can leave school if he wants to.

For me the key is choosing the right school which it sounds like you have done, then supporting that school and your child as much as you can.

Thanks Sunny, yes I agree that you have to support the school, and feel that it is a place you can trust to do what you want a school to do.

That's why I'm so pleased that it is this one. We never expected to get a place there at all, and the other option was the one outside of town on this side, which is actually a little further to walk I think but is much bigger and has a lot of problems (and is never oversubscribed).

I knew that I couldn't make the choice against HE to send him somewhere like that, from what I had heard about it. I wanted him to have some good support. I really hope he'll be ok at this one. My friend's son has aspergers and is very well supported.

when is he actually starting?
is he started tomorrow or after half term?
I would think it was best to start him asap so he doesn't get too hyped up about it

Yes \I agree, but the head is away this week and I think they want to speak to me first and so on. So it's after half term as far as I can tell.

Might try not to talk about it with him too much unless he brings it up. I'll just get on with the sewing and preparing and so on and be upbeat about it so it becomes part of normal life iyswim. Does that sound sensible?

Although going to school is the catalyst this sounds as though it's more about him dealing wiht your illness and the insecurities he feels around that - not really a classic problem with school.

So your approach of just getting on with it and not keep talking about it sounds just fine.

Good luck

Thanks Gagarin. He's had to move house and deal with a new brother and my being quite ill in the last year or so, so is quite insecure atm. I think we need to bolster him a lot in the next few weeks and build him up.

That's what I meant about 'cushioning'. Being a bit extra nice (not bribing so much as just affection)
and making sure I am playing with him and so on.