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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Finding it hard to fit in with School life

49 replies

mama1973 · 17/07/2019 09:11

I'd really value some advice on a school situation.

DS started in Reception in September, he has settled into the school well enough and seems to be doing well. But there doesn't seem to be any sense of community in the school an we just don't feel a part of anything. There is no PTA or class rep's and parents dont seem particularly interested in getting involved. All the parents are very different and as I work full time I don't have much time to get involved or get to see many parents at all so it feels difficult making in roads and a result there haven't been any playdates or friendships made for me or DS outside of school. I'm considering changing schools as we pinned a lot on the start of school and getting to know people and feeling part of something.

OP posts:

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LoveWine123 · 17/07/2019 09:28

Maybe other parents at the school also work full time and don't have time to get involved. Since you say you are very busy and don't have the time, why do you expect things to be different at a new school? I don't understand how you are willing to move your child to a new school because you didn't make any friends with other parents this year. You seem to expect other parents and the school to magically create this sense of community for you without you doing any of the work. If you want a sense of community perhaps you need to make the effort, get involved and you know...contribute to the community you want to have.

Eminybob · 17/07/2019 09:33

Yeah your post makes no sense - you want to be part of the school community but you don’t have the time to be part of it?

Anyway, count yourself lucky- at ds’s school it’s PTA this, that and the other, pleas for help/donations, messages from reps constantly, it’s exhausting!

bellinisurge · 17/07/2019 09:43

It takes work. And is quite frustrating.
Can the person dropping off or collecting make some connections with other parents. Assume there is a sports day - did you go/are you going to that?

LoveWine123 · 17/07/2019 10:13

Perhaps this will be helpful too - I also work full time and I don't do drop offs and pick ups, but I do get involved in the parents what's app group. Maybe you could offer to create one and be a rep for next year? You get to know quite a few of the parents that way. I also help to plan evening outings with other mums and that suits me well as I can't make any of the morning coffees and after school park visits. Evening dos don't have to be anything more than just a few of you going out to the local pub for a bite and drinks. There are ways to get involved outside of working hours but it doesn't just happen, it takes time and effort

Original poster

mama1973 · 17/07/2019 10:16

Did you actually take time out of your day to post such an unhelpful comment. Please don't next time.

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 17/07/2019 10:18

Friendships aren't instant. You will get to know other parents over time.

hopeishere · 17/07/2019 10:20

Our reception did a "mums afternoon" where I got to meet people which was great.

I volunteered for everything!

Can you work it so you do a few pick ups?

Who does your child talk about? Can you be the teacher to give their mum a note?

I can sympathise as making friends was important for me too when DS started school. He's now moving to big school and I have one "proper" friend and loads of people to pass the time with. I also work full time.

LoveWine123 · 17/07/2019 10:22

mama1973 I see it as a bit of a reality check. But you can take what you want from it or simply ignore since you find it unhelpful

SophyStantonLacy · 17/07/2019 10:22

Is there anyone your child wants to invite home? Maybe start there. Suggest setting up a PTA and offer to organise it? Some people will come if it exists!

bellinisurge · 17/07/2019 10:24

I was new to the area, knew nobody. I juggled my work to be there for at least some pick ups and drop offs. I just presented a friendly smiley face. Everyone has their own shit and is not always up for passing the time of day. I respected that and took my time. There was another mum in the same situation as me and we kind of bonded. And then people she had made "mum friends " with made "mum friends " with me. And vice versa.
Slow and sometimes painful. But i did it for DD's sake.

caughtinanet · 17/07/2019 10:24

You can't tell people not to post you know.

The question is a valid one imo, why would a different school mean that anything would change?

It's a fact of working life that it does make it harder to get involved in school life. Why not think of ways to make contact with other parents rather than jumping straight to moving schools, that seems like a huge over-reaction.

LittleLongDog · 17/07/2019 10:27

You could organise an end of term play ‘party’ at the local park. Keep it really casual. End of Year celebration: We’re going to X straight from school on Friday, we’d love for you to come along and celebrate the end of their first year at school’.

bellinisurge · 17/07/2019 10:32

@LittleLongDog , one of the mums in our cohort did this a lot and it was really successful. She also did things like a "we're going to [Softplay place] to tire the kids out on Christmas Eve , come along if you fancy".
It was great.

Herocomplex · 17/07/2019 10:33

The problem with being the organiser is that lots of people avoid you like the plague as they’re terrified of being roped in to things.

bellinisurge · 17/07/2019 10:34

That's the thing about keeping it casual. Your doing it anyway and people can come along. Or not. Their choice.

SophyStantonLacy · 17/07/2019 10:34

Also, whether a class bonds is quite hit & miss, IMO. We saw it at our old primary school, where some classes had a tightly knit social network & some didn’t. Moving school might not change anything.

Herocomplex · 17/07/2019 10:37

But it’s a slow process, eventually your DC will want to have people round and you’ll meet people like that. You’re there a long time, I’m sure it’ll happen, you just have to spot the opportunities and take some risks.

Chloemol · 17/07/2019 10:41

You are not going to like this from the tone of your second post but you sound just like the people that expect everyone todo things and you just rock up, so you don’t feel there is a sense of community but aren’t prepared to do anything about it as you work full time, well so do lots of other people. What happens when your son wants to go the scouts and they need a new leader or helpers to keep it going, will that be down to others? Guess so from your post.

As regards play dates, who are your sons friends at school, who does he talk about, why don’t you start asking people to you for play dates? Or is that someone else’s job?

Many people work full time and sort social activities for their child but then they make the effort

stucknoue · 17/07/2019 10:42

Most relationships are made in the playground at pick up which you obviously can't do. But perhaps everyone else is working too. Class reps aren't something I case across but I'm sure there is a pta or friend's group for fundraising.

ChicCroissant · 17/07/2019 10:46

or friendships made for me

Is this the issue? Because apart from your children going to the same school you may not have a lot in common with the other parents so it's not an automatic path to friendship.

The majority of parents work so I really don't think it's that OP.

Herocomplex · 17/07/2019 10:47

We had a class contacts list (organised by a parent) which was useful for lots of practical reasons.

sneakypinky · 17/07/2019 10:48

Could you arrange something for the local parents? Drinks? Coffee?

You could create a Facebook group?

HeadintheiClouds · 17/07/2019 10:50

There’s nothing happening, but you wouldn’t have time to get involved if there was...??

Hoppinggreen · 17/07/2019 10:56

If you are as defensive on here as in real life you might struggle to find new friends at school!
Firstly you say you work FT and are very busy so it’s going to be harder for you than for someone who can do all the pick ups etc. One of the good friends I made via the dc at school I only met in Y3 when she was made redundant
Secondly, if there’s no PTA and you want one then start one. It’s what I did (although to be fair I do have the time). It’s to fundraise rather than make friends but I have met some lovely people and it’s certainly created more community in the school
When is your child’s birthday? Parties are always a good way to meet people
Finally lower your expectations- your child is there to make friends not you and if they are happy there then that’s the main thing. Maybe you will meet people you click with or maybe not, it largely depends on the year group dynamic. So for DD there were a lot of PT mums or SAHM and we had a lovely friendship group that still meets now they are all at Secondary- but even that didn’t really happen until Y1/2
With DS most mums work FT or have younger siblings so although there are people I am friendly with and we have an occasional mums night out it’s not the same

LarryDuff · 17/07/2019 11:04

I'm in a similar situation, moved to a new area after christmas. My son is in reception and started late so I didn't get to join in any of the new starter stuff. I'm a complete introvert but I swore I would make the effort for my son's sake. It's really, really hard and I haven't made a lot of progress because everyone knows each other and you go to pick up and the mum's are all in small groups having seemingly deep conversations, what can you do? I just smile and try and make the odd comment here and there, make an effort to go to all the parenty things and all the kids parties and I think I'm making slow progress. I've got a few of the mum's on facebook now so maybe something will come of that. Good luck, I'm sure it will happen over time but just be realistic and try and put yourself out there a bit.

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