Finding it hard to fit in with School life

[mama1973]

I'd really value some advice on a school situation.

DS started in Reception in September, he has settled into the school well enough and seems to be doing well. But there doesn't seem to be any sense of community in the school an we just don't feel a part of anything. There is no PTA or class rep's and parents dont seem particularly interested in getting involved. All the parents are very different and as I work full time I don't have much time to get involved or get to see many parents at all so it feels difficult making in roads and a result there haven't been any playdates or friendships made for me or DS outside of school. I'm considering changing schools as we pinned a lot on the start of school and getting to know people and feeling part of something.

Have you thought about becoming a governor? That's what I did as I work full time, I feel so much better informed of their school life now and love feeling part of supporting it.

In my experience many kids won't ask for playdates out of school until a couple of years older than reception.

Parents more often than not initiate these things.

You will have to make more of a concerted effort if you are not around much. General invites via social media and birthday parties at soft play are the first things that spring to mind.

If possible taking young kids regularly to the nearest park can help.

I don't do school pick ups or drop offs either. One of the Myms in DD2s class was organising a charity event and I offered to help. That had lead to some lovely friendships and nights out. Birthday parties are an obvious way to get chatting. And there is a fb page set up for both of my DDs year groups, and occasionally nights out are organised on there. Suggesting an end of term play date on the park is a good idea. You will get there OP I'm sure.

Are there no birthday parties? No Christmas concerts/plays/school assemblies?

It takes a while to get to know people and you may never make friends.

With the summer holidays coming up, can't you get in touch with a couple of DD's friends and ask them over (at a weekend if necessary)?

I got to know mums best through play dates and parties. Ask your DC who they want to have round to play and send a note in with your number for your DC to give to the other child.

I don't think changing schools will help as another mum I know found. She thought all the mums at the first school were unfriendly, but found the mums at the second school to be the same. My DD moved just after from the same first school to the second and I just didn't recognise any of her description.

She stood in the playground on her own despite my attempts to include her. Had she made the effort she'd have found people were friendly and willing to chat.

I'm not saying that's you, just that you need to make the effort and not expect things to happen for you.

My dd is not a naturally chatty, matey sort of person so I forced myself to be an approachable face at pick up/drop off where work allowed. It not only made sure I was included in any social stuff organised by other parents, it set an example for my dd. She stood out in her primary class group because not only is she shy and small, she's also academically the strongest in every subject in her class ( sorry /not sorry for the boast). I put a shift in to neutralise any risk of her being made to feel excluded from social stuff.
And it paid off. She is still shy and academically strong but she has just completed her first year of secondary amongst a completely new set of classmates, having developed loads of strong social skills at her primary school . She's made new friends, has a social life and outside interests. I'm really proud of her. And of me for my effort in the early years.

Seconding the question about birthday parties etc.

In your shoes I’d offer to set up a class Whatsapp group and arrange drinks in the nearest pub once a term. But if you’re too busy and everyone else is too busy unfortunately there’s not much scope there.

there haven't been any playdates or friendships made for me or DS outside of school.

How many children have you invited for play dates?

When dd was in reception, I invited a bunch of kids around for an old fashioned birthday party at our little house. Parents came too. While no other parent was mad enough to do the same thing, dd started getting invites to parties and events.

Did you actually take time out of your day to post such an unhelpful comment. Please don't next time.

I can see why the OP might be having trouble making friends...

Changing schools because you haven't made any mum friends seems a bit extreme What if the same thing happens at the next school?

Is your DS happy and has he made friends? That should be your main concern really.

The only thing you have in common with these parents is the fact your DC attend the same school. Even if there was an active PTA and you joined there is no guarantee that you'd become friends with any of them. I drop my DC, smile, nod and sometimes briefly chat with a few parents and carry on with my day. In the short time they've been at school I've seen enough drama, tears and fall outs between mum cliques (sadly it's always mums) to know better than to seek close friendships on the school run.

I always support their initiatives financially but give the PTA a very wide berth.

Love wine has some very valid points. You are not making sense. If you work full time who does the pick up. Have you invited a child home? Why would it be any different at another school, if you have no time?

One of our reception mums sent an email to all suggesting drinks. She basically set herself up as the class rep, we were all a bit surprised and thought it was a bit ott, but we are now forever thankful to her as we all became such good friends. Very social and supportive

Now is the perfect time to stick a letter in book bags or message/email the class and say your DS would love to see some of his classmates before school starts again for Year 1, so if anyone is up for a picnic in late Aug/early Sept then you’ll be at X park at X time.

A FB group or WhatsApp is super useful and doesn’t commit you to anything so if there isn’t one set up just put yourself out there and suggest it.

Sometimes you have to create a bit of community- I sympathise because I’m not naturally that person but needs must sometimes.

DD's first couple of years at primary, I don't think I made friends with anyone - I worked full time, and most of the parents were SAHMs. There was no PTA, or WhatsApp etc.

I wasn't that bothered but then I don't really see schools as a place to for parents make lifelong friends. As long as my DD is happy that's all that matters.

And honestly OP when your kids leave primary it is unlikely you will see the majority of the school friends again unless you have a lot in common.

Fwiw I did make a few friends when DD started doing sports and wanting playdates. DD left primary over a decade ago I am still close to three of them as we have mutual interests but the other half dozen I haven't seen since unless I bumped into them.

Does your ds have friends at school, because that's what you should be concerned about, not whether you've been invited to playdates.

I work ft and was able to do drop offs and collects a few times a week but never did a playdate as I'm too busy during the week and weekends are for my family.

Is your ds an only child?

My sons primary school did a couple of things, they had a class list and asked for volunteers to be the class parents for any communications.
The parents then set up a Facebook group for the class meaning you could all contact each other informally. Parents would often post things after school or on weekends saying they are heading to the beach or playground if anyone's around. It made a nice easy intro because you could just turn up without a formal play date...

Don't move the child if they are happy & settled at that school, just b/c you don't like your lack of social life there.

Going by your first reply to this thread, I'm guessing you're a bit surprised by the responses you're getting. Welcome to Mumsnet!

I hope you're OK, OP.

I do think you probably will have to put yourself out there, and be the one to invite other DC to play dates, and/or organise Mum get-together.

It takes someone to organise them - why not you?

If you're not able to be at school pick-up, your ability to mix, mingle and make friends is significantly reduced, which means that if this is (understandably) important to you, you will have to be the one to reach out and make the first move.

It is hard to make friends have you met the other parents? who is doing pick up and drop off ? have they made any connections ? do you have a WhatsApp group ? Are you off anytime over the summer holidays ? I know this is very difficult if it doesn't come easy to you ( I find it terribly awkward) but I would try and reach out you could either do on WhatsApp group just a general message saying does anyone fancy going to park/soft play ect and see what happens ( when I did this someone I didn't think would respond did and I got to know them a bit better. If that seems a bit daunting then you could just reach out one on one to a parent your son plays with. I did this last summer and had a few days out it was so awkward doing it but we met about 5 times over the summer holidays and the 2 mums I met first and met up with have met up over other hols but they both work more hours now so although at first we met for coffee a few times that fizzled as they work more. I then got talking with a quiet mum and we have met a few times and are meeting up over the hols I asked she said yes. The thing is in my sons class lots of them have older children and already know each other / the school/ have other friends ECT so although I chat with everyone I don't think I will ever be in their friendship group. If you think it's similar at your child's school you could you could try and do a few pick up if possible and try and catch some of the other parents that seem to be on their own. If you can get any time off you could volunteer to read with the class/ stall at school fair ECT have you been going to events ? plays , sports days ECT. I was really nervous about reaching out but my dad said well if they don't want to they will just make an excuse ( nothing really bad can happen from asking ) You could also try and see if any of the children do out of school activities that your child might enjoy then you would see them out of school aswell and might build up a relationship that way. Good luck I have had times of feeling a bit disheartened as I thought I would have a group of friends by now but I have made progress and just try to be chatty with anyone and I will reach out over WhatsApp and hope others do aswell

Takes time - we've been at our school 2 years and I would say it's only this year that I've really made friends among the other mums and not just acquaintances (and that's taken a couple joining the school I've clicked with and some leaving who were awful)

Also crossing paths with them at out of school activities in the local area made a huge difference - i got chatting more waiting for the end of Beavers, gymnastics, karate etc than at the school gate.

I work full time and don’t to pick ups. Our class also doesn’t have a what’s app group. But in reception year we had lots of birthday parties which is where I met the mums. Sat chatting at the soft play etc. I can’t understand why you haven’t had This? I’m an introvert and hate it but made the effort for the dc.

My real friendships have come from the mums in each of their football teams. Do you do anything out of school?

What a bizarre and rude reply to a perfectly helpful comment, OP. Maybe this is why the school community isn't rushing to embrace you