Rude and aggressive deputy head

[2flowerpots]

I asked a question of my DS's class teacher, which she couldn't answer ... so I ended up getting a really aggressive rude phone call from the Deputy Head saying how I had upset her staff, and had been rude about another member of staff. I was not rude to anyone but I did ask and when the answer was incomplete I asked to be sent a copy of their policy- after all that is what policies are for.

DH wants to email the head to complain about her conduct which was awful. I feel really terrible because my children have to go to the school. I wasn't rude, I was direct because I required an answer-which the new teacher couldn't give.

Should I take this further? The Deputy wanted me to have a meeting with her and lots of people so they could deal with my questions... no thank you I am not a naughty school girl to be dealt with.

The "lots of people" to deal with me was to quote how she was speaking to me.

Yes but they will waste 'lots of peoples' time making a mountain out of a molehill when they could just answer the questions and offer a copy of their policy. Always better to work with the parents rather than hassle them when simple co operation would probably solve the supposed issues.
I think there are plenty of jobs worth deputy heads and HTs who love to make examples of a parent who dares to ask any questions. And plenty of wet blanket teachers who don't have the good sense to handle a straight forward situation without involving senior staff.
TheTroubleWithAngels, you sound rude, are you a teacher?

Sounds like a small thing is escalating out of control. I think you must, inadvertently, have upset the member of staff.

Were you strongly implying that because the member of staff didn't know the answer to a policy based question that they clearly were not following the policy?

Schools need to protect their staff- it is not a fun time to be a teacher and this school sounds as though they will stand up for their teachers and goo on them. As PP said, they haven't got time to do this for kicks so I would suggest you may have posed your questions in a more aggressive way than the school find acceptable.

Why not have the meeting? You need to clear the air anyway. And you'll get whatever answer you want, and you can apologise if you were perceived to be rude.

Actually THETROUBLEWITHANGELS I am a senior teacher at another primary school- so no I wasn't rude. I asked pertinent questions about why something was not happening at their school. At no point did I offer criticism I was focused on their pedagogy, and was satisfied with the end of the initial phone call when I was told that it would be fine and they would send me their policy.

2flowerpots, your writing comes across as slightly aggressive, so is it possible that you have a confrontational, overly direct way of speaking to people?

Thank you for the compliment

I would refuse the meeting.

Sounds to me like the DH is trying to bully you.

Not sure if I would take it further though. Schools are a law unto themselves and a formal complaint rarely helps.

You must have been terribly upset to find out that you had upset the teacher so much.

Thanks WildStallions, I'm a bit defensive. I was told that I had insulted the mother of one of my son's best friends, whom I respect greatly as a teacher, and was never mentioned at all in the conversation.

I was informed "it is no longer literacy it is English" when asking about the policy, and informed that my training was out of date or that I would know the answers already.

Oh you certainly got their backs up. I suspect that you have come up against the brick wall that is called "we know best". With most parents this can be applied and this professional tone beats the parents into submission. The problem is that you knew just a bit too much and could frame appropriate questions, that meant that answers had to be given and the brick wall goes up.

To be honest it is true that parents who are also teachers can be the world's worst parents as they can cause a lot of bother to a school. You try being on the other end of an aggressive headteacher parent whose three children can do no wrong and also will always be better than you say they are. But in this instance you seem to have tripped their defense mechanism and probably the best answer is to just get the policy and satisfy yourself about the query.

I know what you mean about headteachers and their children... especially if you work for them. I don't go in and ask questions, this is the first time for years, since my son was in reception. The ultimate shot was "your son is on track for mastery so what is the problem?".

The school was moved to notice to improve last year, and I know that it a tough thing to happen to them, I've worked for schools in the same position. But I would just have said yes here is the policy, do you want to come in and see how fabulous our policy is.

Admissions is spot on. They are used to 'their professional tone beating parents into submission'

Or in other words bullying. I've been on the receiving end of this (HT bullying me) and I haven't gotten over it 4 years later.

That is why I'd say don't attend the meeting. The meeting is not about discussing your concerns. It's about intimidating you.

Thanks WildStallions, I think that is why I feel so shaky and defensive. all I wanted was an answer to a simple question. A work mate was there when I made the call and she was shocked at the reaction it later received.

The suggestion that I turn up to this meeting and they would have a lot of people there to sort me out effectively is horrid.

That sounds very OTT of the DH. What was the initial question?

What I have found useful, in the past, is to frame what you want to happen in a conspiratorial manner, that is acting as if you are assuming they want the same thing. Any mistakes I have perceived in methodology, have been better received, if I have presented them with the justification for making those particular decisions, but with an argument for changing tack and doing what you want them to do.

IME this is the best way to deal with those who are extremely defensive.

^the arguments for changing tack have to be absolutely flawlessly convincing, 'watertight' so to speak, though.

Haha judging by your posts you are defiantly rude and think the teaching profession is there to be a slave to you. No wonder you were told off for being 'direct' (rude).

The OP is a teacher so that sounds unlikely , it sounds to me as if the DH is feeling defensive and over reacted.

Oh and if you perceive you are (totally inappropriately) being told off don't take the bait.

Meeting? Really? Thank you very much, very good of you to spare the time. Do you want me to send you my specific queries, so you can have the appropriate material to hand?

Capsium, you really have style!

You should go to the meeting and make sure you enjoy yourself!

I don't think you come across rude or aggressive

Have you had a look on their website for the policy you want?