One in private, one in state- would you?

[Lily15]

Hi I know there have been a few threads about this but as each one is different I was hoping to get some perspective on my own situation.

We live overseas but are set to return to the UK due to hubby's work. Our son is 7.5 and dyslexic. He has been in a very small international school for the last 2 years and is doing very well.I am worried that a mid year upheaval to a UK state school with 30-35 in a class will throw him somewhat. We are looking at Brighton-Eastbourne and there are some fanstastic state schools- but big classes are unavoidable- and thats even if we could get him into a school of our choice.

We could afford to send our son to a private school-there is a great one in Eastbourne we have our eyes on- but our daughter starts school fulltime in September too and we cant stretch to both.
Is it fair to send him him to a private school but not her? Will she resent us for it later? HELP!

Forgot to add we have a second daughter who is 6 months. x

Honestly, no I would not do this. But I do know of other parents who do for several reasons.

I have a friend who does just that...one in state secondary and one in private. However it was always assumed that they would both go private originally. Her daughter just didn't want to go private and the school would have been too academic for her (her words). There can be good reasons. IMHO the only one for me that isn't acceptable is we only have money to send one.
Sounds like your choice is due to his dyslexia but you just can't ever know how both your DDs will feel. What happens if they turn out to be dyslexic too?
Schools are such a ha decision and we can never know if we made a good choice until after the event! Best of luck.

I think the more important question is about how good a particular school is at meeting your son's particular needs and small class sizes is just one aspect of that. The other is the is the school's attitude to special needs education...

Worth looking at the schools on their individual merits...

Yes, as others have said, what if one or both of your daughters turn out to be dyslexic too?

Also, from what I have read on MN, lots of private schools are rubbish at supporting children with SN. He might get better help and support in a state school, so do your research carefully!

Why don't you have a look at some of the villages around Brighton/Eastbourne? A small village school usually has smaller class numbers. We moved to a village near this area so that our DS could go to the small village school. Look at different Ofsted reports for the state schools but don't get stuck on the overall grade look at the inspectors comments for the areas that are most important to you. Look at the grade and comments for pastoral care because at primary level this, IMO, is important and can tell you a lot about the school's ethos.

I think SN makes for a special case and your dd should be able to understand this later on. Having said this, I would check very carefully that this private school really does have dyslexia provision as good as you could get out of a state school. The great thing about state schools is not that they are all good schools, but that you can put pressure on them. And that they cannot refuse students with special needs or throw them out if their results aren't good enough. Check that this private school actually wants to deal with a pupil with additional needs.

For reasons that I won't bother to spell out in detail, my brothers and I were educated in different mixes of state and private schools.

We did all do equally well in terms of A levels and university, but we were probably well into our 30s before all the tensions between us that it caused were fully resolved....

I think if you have a child with a special need, and a private school that specialises in that special need (bear in mind that the SEN provision in some private schools is poor relative to state schools, as many prefer to 'manage out', or never admit in the first place, children who might have an adverse effect on their results) then that is a clear reason to differentiate between your children AS LONG AS it is clear that neither sibling has the same need OR that you have a plan as to what happens if e.g. all 3 children are diagnosed as dyslexic.

I think the case is less strong if the private school has no specific expertise to offer, just smaller class sizes, as any child might benefit from that so the 'extra' benefit to your dyslexic son is less clear-cut.

I wouldn't do this personally as I could foresee all manner of issues in the future (you spent more money on him than me/I didn't get 9 A's at GCSE because you wouldn't send me to private school/you loved him more than me etc). As a teacher, I also know that many of the private schools round here are appalling at dealing with SEN.

I have an older son (9) with SEN, I moved them private only when I knew I'd be able to pay for both DC. I did not want to "ruin" their friendship by not treating them equally.

We were lucky to find a "cheap" private school that specialises in SEN, and that doesn't have any "hidden costs" like expensive school trips.

Maybe start them in State and see how it goes, get a tutor (from Dyslexia now) and get him statemented etc. My DS was "bad" enough to qualify for more than 1 hr a week extra, but yours might be different.

We used a mix of private and state when we returned from overseas. I couldn't bear the thought of my eldest starting Y7 at the local secondary school after his very sanitised US public school (fortunately, they had no places available for him so I didn't have to hand-wring). We ended up with the two eldest in the local prep school and the two youngest in state primary.

Having experienced both systems, I simply had to move my girls so decided to go back to work in order to afford it. My eldest is now at Uni, but we did have 5 in private for 2 years.

When we moved our girls, we realised just how much they had missed out on in their state primary. Up to that point, I thought this school was fine.

When you dip your toe into private, it is inevitable that you will want this kind of education for all your children. You have to do what is right for the individual child, though, so if that is what your son needs, then I would say to go for it. Realise that you will spend the next few years trying to get your DD in too. For me, it was pretty easy - I was a SAHM so all I needed to do was go back to work and increase my salary from £0 - 30k in one fell swoop. If you are already working, it is much harder to change your earnings.

Thank you so much for all your replies- alot to think about! The school in question is St.Bede's- I have only ever heard positive things about it-especially in regards to SN. But I think trying state to begin with is the way forward- we will just have to see how it goes....

Hmm. Not convinced that all parents who dip their toes into private education decide they have to do it for all their children. It worked the opposite way around in my family. Clearly it depends on the schools in question and the personalities of the children and parents (if you discount the obvious question of money).

Also, bear in mind that class size is not everything. Yes, there are some tiny village primaries with small class sizes but in some cases these tiny primaries come along with poor funding and very little expertise in SEN. A larger primary has a greater likelihood of having specific provision for SEN, rather than approaching it on an ad hoc basis, and if well run, a reasonable ratio of teachers and teaching assistants to children.

Would agree with rabbitstew. If you do decide to go down the 'small sate primary' route, check very carefully how much experience they have of dyslexia and how much expertise TAs etc have.

Oddly, very big primaries are often best at dealing with specific SENs as they have had larger numbers of children with those difficulties through their doors, and the flexibility allowed by a larger budget can make it easier to provide appropriate support (if you have, say, 13 TAs in a big school, then deciding to assign one to work with children with dyslexia one day a week and making certain that that TA is specially trained, is much easier than if you have 2 or 3 TAs in a small school having to cope with all kinds of SEN)

If you read a lot of messages here about mld, eg dyslexia, state school does not come up smelling of roses. It can take a very unreasonable amount of time (eg a year or two) to get an assessment and then a plan put into place.

In an independent school, this can be done in a matter or days, and the child can then be on a path of overcoming their difficulties.

As a teacher in an independent school, I know that students who join later on with dyslexia (around Y5/Y6) are because their problems were not identified in their primary schools. We do not have any problems with the students who have been in school from an earlier age because their problems have been identified and there are sound strategies in place (they are still dyslexic but have coping strategies). I really can't think of any dyslexic students (whose dyslexia is an impediment or who still have individual lessons) in any year group who were in our school in Y2/Y3. All have come in late juniors having had no joy in their state primaries.

We are just about to take our DC out of a state school and put him into a specialist dyslexic school. The other children are staying in state schools because they don't have an SEN. I was a bit of fence-sitter with regards to private schools before but I now feel we have no choice.

FWIW - I think this idea of 'treating them fairly' is rubbish. One of the DC has music lessons, another has sports lessons, one of them got some new shoes last week. They are individuals and are treated as such - so far none of them have complained about the others having 'more' and I'm sure this will continue. The fact that private education is so expensive is of course a sticking point but I think it becomes that way only if all things are equal and the family makes it unfair for no reason (e.g. 3 children, 2 boys go to private school, the girl doesn't). Surely no child would grow up resenting their disabled brother having money spent by the parents on extra things for him, so why would a child feel resentful of money spent on education for a sibling when there is a clear need?

Nope I wouldn't do it, I know my daughters would be devastated if their brother went to a school like that and we couldn't afford to send them. Now if it was Northease or Frewin it might be possible. Why don't you look at places like Lewes as well?

Don't do it unless you can honestly justify it because it is a school specialising in dyslexia and your dd understands this. Otherwise your dd will probably resent you and her brother for it especially if she doesn't do very well academically or hates her state school.

It wouldn't necessarily end up the dds resenting the ds. Choose the wrong school for your children and they will be unhappy with you for it... My eldest db spent the longest time in private education (until he was 14) and feels the most let down by his educational experience. I was entirely state educated and feel that I was the best served out of all of my siblings, educationally and emotionally speaking.

However, if sending one of your children to private school actually results in every request by the other children for, eg, music lessons, dancing lessons, swimming lessons, etc, met with a "we can't afford that, I'm afraid," then you may well find them seriously resenting it (and your ds not necessarily being overwhelmed with gratitude, either).

ps I'm not sure of the relevance of the point about state schools often taking ages to diagnose dyslexia if your ds already has a diagnosis.

I went to a private school and my brother went to a state. Both were our own choices with full support of parents.

We too went on to both have degrees and decent careers BUT he still has a chip on his shoulder about it aged nearly 40 and brings up at every opportunity that I am the 'posh' one :(

Our mutual acquaintances often ask why he has a stronger regional accent than me so this comes up quite a lot.

lily my ds1 went there - he has asd and dyspraxia. He now goes to a private secondary school. my dds go to state school (primary) and will go to state secondary too.

I justify it because he just couldn't cope in any of the state comps around here. None are good on sns (we have moved away from that area now op). Also there is an excellent state girls school which we have applied for for dd1. if she gets in, the others will too.

I will have the same dilemma for ds2, although to my knowledge he doesn't have sn. (he's only 3 though). There isn't a comparable state school for boys near here - at the moment anyway - and I'll keep an eye on what the boys school does in the next few years. if it doesn't improve and we don't want to send him there, then we'll either move to a different catchment or send him private. HOpefully the girls will understand and not hate us for ever.

I have had children in state and private and disagree with what someone says down the thread - I don't particularly want my dcs to go private having "dipped my toe in"

BeattieBow your son went to St.Bede's? Did he enjoy it there? Why did he not stay on for senior? Sorry for all the questions!