New parents. How not to make enemies?

[Octavia09]

Any useful tips on how to be in a good relationship with other parents and the teachers? What not to say to other parents? How to react to teachers' criticism?

My son is starting foundation year this September and I just worry so much about everything.

Try not too worry about everything - teachers aren't going to criticise you or your children (at least they shouldn't be).

My main piece of advice would be to smile, listen to other people and only offer advice if its asked for! Help out with PTA/events etc and do reading at home with your son!

Your son (and you) will be just fine.

to worry

Parents and teachers are people first - tey just happen to be people you know through school! Just chat and be friendly, and you'll get along fine I'm sure.

With other parents I'd just avoid too much comparing notes on exactly what your child or theirs can/can't do, what reading level they are on, etc, until you get to know them - once you know tem you'll be able to see which ones you can chat to about that stuff, and which will take it all far too seriously.

Teachers won't be criticising you, or your son, they will always try to talk to you about things in a positive way, about how you can work together to help him settle or whatever. Don't worry too much about it all - it feels like a big step but children (and parents!) settle to it pretty soon.

Smile at the other parents and introduce yourself. Accept any invitation to an initial coffee morning.

With the teacher, listen to what she has to say, and clarify if you don't understand/disagree. Don't get angry and remember that you both want the same things. Try not to compare your DS to the other children.

Oh, and please name all of your DS's personal belongings.

don't look in other children's book bags to find out what level they are on. Don't quiz your child as to who is on which table for reading. Don't even gently slag anyone or anyone elses child off, else it will come back to haunt you in years to come.

Don't say "of course little is so talented. We don't think here really caters for bright child, you know and are thinking of moving him to .

You'll both be fine!

Oh, thanks to all of you. I think I am a bit worried because his new foundation teacher told me my son is not very social (she had chance to meet him twice). He is fine is small groups but looks shy and did not really wanted to talk to her. She advised me to find the ways to resolve this problem. He is still a child.

he is still tiny!
his teacher may well be one of those people who is much much better with small children than they are with parents. try not to worry too much.

What if another pupil says/does something bad to him? Should I tell the teacher (I guess I should not tell the parents; it is the teacher's job, yeah?) about it if she does not notice?

I do worry a lot. My son is a hero at home but different outside.

Always remember there are two sides to a story and it's best to speak to the teacher about friendship problems. Expect your ds to tell you no-one plays with him - they all say this and generally it isn't true. He will be in a class of emotionally maturing peers so don't expect behaviour from them that you know your son isn't capable of - be realistic and problems will blow over

If you get the feeling someone is being consistently bad to him, then do go and talk to the teacher about it. But don't go in all-guns-blazing until you get the full story - small children have lots of falling-outs, and also often only tell you part of what happened (either deliberately or just because that's how it felt to them) and it then turns out there were faults on both sides and not really someone picking on him at all.

As Fran says, they are all only little and are still getting the hang of friendships.

I do get what you both say. I hope everything is going to be fine there. I also hope he tells me if anythings unpleasant happens to him. I was not good at it.

With the other parents I would always not be too opinionated and not judgemental (I am sure you are not). However, there is one mother who acted like I had committed child abuse by not insisting that DD's preschool had taught her to read and this still colours my view of her two years later.

This one's from a very posh private school. Don't come into the classroom before school and go through trays and book bags to compare how your child's doing on reading schemes to someone you don't really like (but whose son your son is absolutely magnetically drawn to)'s child.... then definitely don't go to the school gate and brag about how your child is better because he's on book 3 and not book 2.

That one ended up in a physical set of fisticuffs at the school gate - despite it all the two kids were the best of friends!

I think your son will be fine. If you have a problem with another child then ask to speak to the teacher in private, at a convenient time. Never, evre tackle the parents unless you want to get involved in a shouting match in front of the whole school.

We adopt the policy of never saying how our child is doing at school to the other parents. We do tell family and some friends who are not from school sometimes.

Remember he is only small and will be tired after school. If you want him to tell you what is happening at school then don't start grilling him at the school gate. I've seen this so often and its always from the parents who say that their child never talks to them.

We do a drink and a snack at home, then maybe an activity like playdough, if we've got time. You could start off by talking about what they had for lunch. I usually say something silly "What did you have for lunch today? Was it Worms, Wellies and Custard?" Sounds daft but makes them think about what they actually did eat and starts them talking about their day.

He sounds like a great little boy.

Put up with a lot of sh*t, including nasty looks & gossip behind your back thrown up in your face when you least expect it. Blank the bastards.

If you confront the perpetrators they will just continue to badmouth you not least because you've given them even more to talk about(the badmouthing will include choice comments to their child who will then badmouth your child to their friends, causing your child to lose friends).

Ragged - sorry to hear you've experienced that. Just to reassure the OP, it's not the case everywhere that the mums are backstabbing.

OK there's a bit of gossip but on the whole the mums at ours are pretty nice.

I personally do not like talking about my son's development. I have met some parents who want to find out about other children and then they do not tell anything about their kids.

Ragged, I have heard about parents who behave like this. Very low behaviour. I hope it is not evrywhere.

I'd let competitiveness wash over you. If you answer questions non-specifically, eg 'Mrs X seems pleased with him' rather than 'he is on level 4', that type of parent will soon stop bugging you...

I would leave as much as you can to the school discipline-wise, and encourage your DS to handle the many minor irritations of school life himself (I don't mean bullying obviously!)

I had an unfortunate experience with a slightly odd mother at DDs pre school so since then have kept my distance from other parents a little. I just think it gets a bit complicated. I am nice but not close to anyone in particular, treat everyone the same, never say a thing about anyone, be very vague when talking about my DCs school work "she's doing fine" rather than " she's just finished war and peace", I chit chat rather than talk about my lfe in detail and volunteer for 1 or 2 PTA things a term (I don't work). With the exception of my bad experience most parents are lovely and probably feel the same way as you. Its not tricky really. Its bit like being at work in that your with a load of people you woudln't normally be with and act accordingly.

I think that's actually a bit sad Feeling. You might be being so guarded that you are missing out on interesting, rewarding friendships. I'm sure you have friends already but it just seems a bit drastic.

Unfortunately I tend to agree with Feelingsensitive and think hers is a sensible course of action. I am very similar but make an exception if I feel I really click with someone (and even then I would proceed with caution). I've been stung by a similar experience and it's wise to be a bit guarded I think.

runoutifnameideas - I know what you mean but woudlnt say I am too guarded. I think my message got a little lost in translation. I like to think I am careful but not too guarded. I talk to other parents but don't talk about them and get involved in PTA events. My agenda at the school gates is to get DD to school and support her. Making friends comes after that.There are some parents that I think I could be better friends with in the future but after my expereince I will tread carefully.