Just lost it with 11 year old re personal hygiene

[HotchPotched]

DS (11) has just started year 7. He’s struggling with getting homework done and is often scrambling to do it at the breakfast table as he’s ‘forgotten’ it. his personal hygiene is not great either, regularly ‘forgetting’ to brush his teeth and wash his hair when in the shower. He also takes treats without asking (tracker bars, crisps, froobs etc) and eats them in his room to the point there are none left for anyone else.

He has a PlayStation which I limit but the minute my back is turned he’ll go back on. He’s had countless bans for this. He’s worked out how to extend his time on his phone and will sneak his laptop into his room at night. Also had countless bans but makes no difference.

I am at the end of my tether. I’ve really lost it with him this morning. His hair is really greasy and I asked him repeatedly to wash it last night, this morning I realised he hadn’t. He also hadn’t brushed his teeth. It ended up with him crying his eyes out and me shouting at him. I feel horrible as does he. Has anyone ever done this before or am I a horrible person?

He’s still only very little really- my 12 year old needs to be told specifically to shower right then- surely you can hear him in the shower rather than only realising the day after? Same with PlayStation- if he goes back on it then keep him in the same room as you until he can be trusted.

you still need to parent quite a lot at this age rather than just let them get on with it and hoping for the best. If he eats the snacks that he isn’t allowed to then maybe take PlayStation off him. He will be hungrier than normal so maybe set out what he can and can’t make (sandwich, pot noodle etc)

when he gets home, set out a time to do homework and make sure he does it. Maybe look over what he’s done and give him some feedback , he’s still just a child, it’s a lot to transition all at once

He can’t extend time on his phone if it’s in your pocket 😊

You aren’t a horrible person though. Sure there are better ways of dealing with it but sometimes it is just a real pain in the ass

Does he have any additional needs? Would he follow a timetable or schedule?

Actively remove the devices is my advice really.

He can't use his phone, laptop, or PlayStation if they are in your bedroom with you overnight!

Thanks all. I was half expecting to get badly flamed.

I take his phone away, I have an alarm set on mine to remind me. Sometimes I leave it on the side or he’ll say he needs it for something then that’s it, I’ll find him with it in his bed. It’s a constant game of cat and mouse.

PlayStation - I take the controller away but he’ll wheedle for an extra half an hour and then if I forget or am busy he’ll just sit there until I realise.

Yes, need a homework timetable, good idea. I need to get on top of things.

You're not awful Op.

Homework timetable & only gets phone / PS when that's complete.

Phone / PS remain in communal area at all times.

Shower & wash hair every evening (or every other - whatever you think is necessary)

Teeth cleaned & breath check every night before bed & morning before school.

Time to set strong ground rules & don't give in or let him badger you into submission.

Good luck as pre-teen boys are tough!

3 month ban. Conditional return on him following the rules doing his teeth every fucking morning and night and hair wash and shower with actual soap. Get some teeth. 3 months and he should have formed some new habits.

my youngest is now year 11 and we had a few of these issues and others but to a different extent.

imo you are transitioning to a time where the aim is for him to learn healthy choices and routine rather than you constantly telling him. Easier said than done. It’s hard but we found we had to be very firm and consistent until things settled.Year 7 at school for both my dds was a massive social opportunity they didn’t care about the academic stuff.

with ‘gadgets’ including phone. What worked mainly was they HAD to be handed in overnight no debate. And they also had to be handed in for a time period (1 hour) during the evening for shower and homework. On the same subject, lights off at a set time on school nights, ideally a gap between gadgets handed in and lights out.

how often does his hair need washing? If twice a week then make one of these a weekend shower/bath. Then instil a routine e.g. Wednesday for the other times. Get it to be a clear routine.

if homework an issue consider emailing the teachers for their support/ideas then it becomes a team effort not just you nagging him and him wandering in with homework rushed from the morning.

re the food, let him choose snacks for the week (maybe take him) when they are gone they are gone. But get plenty of other food in case he is hungry between meals, he can help himself then to toast, milk, cheese, whatever you offer.

You are not a horrible parent, of course not! But you need to supervise your 11 year old boy more closely - most of them at this age are grubby, rather greedy, and make poor choices about homework and screen time if left to their own devices. So you don't leave them to their own devices.

Tell him to bath or shower at night if mornings are a struggle. Check afterwards that his hair smells clean, and send him back if not. Check what homework he has, and whether it has been done, before he is allowed any screen time. Take his phone and laptop if necessary, and explain that if he sneaks the laptop into his room when he knows he is not allowed, then he will lose it. Teeth need to be brushed before he comes down for breakfast or he gets sent back up.

Mumsnet is full of parents who have successfully trained their children to take responsibility for their hygiene and possessions by the age of 8, and who prefer homework to gaming. In real life everyone I know is still wearily keeping their children on the straight and narrow at this age.

@onepieceoflollipop excellent advice.

It was exactly the same with my DD at that age. Puberty brought with it smelly armpits and greasy hair but she didn't care at all, it just wasn't a priority for her (or even on her radar). If I didn't tell her to go in the shower it didn't happen. Then I'd have the same situation as you describe, she'd appear downstairs in the morning with hair so greasy it looked wet and I'd be so frustrated.
I can't say that I found the answer to the problem but somehow it resolved itself. She's 13 now and spends an age in the bathroom every night.
Now I have DS11 who is also a shower dodger and I just hope he will also go through the same magical transformation.

He's only young, I would still ensure he's showering. Even if you have to stand outside until you hear him in the shower. As you would of known he hadn't showered if you listened out for the shower noise last night.
I have a son the same age and this is what I have to do, same with brushing his teeth.

I think your treating him a little bit older than what he actually is. That said a homework time table will really help, I'm sure you'll get this under control in no time. :)

I think you’re expecting far too much for a boy of this age. I’m a mother of three boys and I know they need a lot of encouragement until they are well into their teens. Don’t be so hard on him @HotchPotched he’s not difficult he’s just immature and still needs mothering. Gradually things will improve and you will find that you can’t get him out of the shower! 😂

My eldest really struggles with this (he’s autistic). We’ve found writing his baths on the family calendar in the kitchen helps. I also got him an app where we’ve listed things like:

bath/shower WITH soap!
wash hair using shampoo/gel
deodorant
teeth
Clean clothes

it’s taken a while and I’ve “threatened” to come into the bathroom and wash him myself - but he’s getting there

this

You really need to supervise him more. Actively parent. Why is he able to get his phone/laptop/treats/PlayStation without anyone noticing?

And make sure he's washing his hair and brushing his teeth. Supervise him.

We have a homework whiteboard and any new homework gets added on with due date every day.

I'd remove the devices altogether tbh and start actively supervising him. Homework timetable to be done downstairs, tell him to do teeth, showers etc and check. Clearly he's not old/responsible enough to be left to it.

Once he's show that he can manage his homework and hygiene himself, give him a device back. I'd have just switched to a reward rather than remove system. They earn time , rather than removing it as punishment.

He is 11 / 12. I think you need to be getting down beside him and communicating with him a bit more than banning him or screaming at him for not brushing his teeth.

Year 7 is a massive change OP as is the need for more precise physical hygiene as they start to take control of becoming an adult .. that’s what’s going on really . Just keep reminding him and he will get there … it will take weeks and months but by the time he gets to year 9 you will be amazed by the change ..

He needs to come home, eat something then do his homework. Phone and PlayStation only AFTER homework completed. Showering daily is non negotiable in my opinion - and explain his peers will quickly identify if he's not brushing his teeth.

Explain tonight why you lost it so badly - that these are basic life skills and it's your job to teach him that.

Ps .. you do not need to get on top of things you need to help him to learn to get on top of things himself .. it’s his homework - it is him that will get negative marks or detentions or whatever your school hand out . It is a gradual process

Ditto what others have said. My DSs are young adults now, but this age was hard.
Don't underestimate the stress he's probably going through, going into Year 7 too. Has he started a new secondary school? He will be expected to be more independent about a whole load of things and it can be overwhelming - moving around a big school - having lots of teachers, lots of places, being the smallest again (6th formers seem HUGE when you're 11!)
Definitely remind him regularly about the hygiene stuff, not least because he might end up being teased/ bullied about it otherwise. But cut him some slack on the food being 'stolen' - I was always astonished by how hungry my boys were as teens, and they reach for the easy snacks first. Make a list of 'allowable' snacks (toast, fruit, cereal, yoghurt etc) - if need be, have a separate part of the fridge.
I used to get annoyed with DS2 who used to chug back 3 Actimels just wandering around the kitchen. I started buying big pots of yoghurt instead and some small melamine snack bowls and he happily had cereal and yoghurt instead.

Their brains and hormones are all over the place at this age. My Ds’s did nothing but lose stuff, forget things and eat, for about 2 years.

Humour, structure, patience, facilitation and boundaries… and MN for a regular AAAAARGH!

Another thought - check he's getting enough to eat at school. Does he have school lunches?
DS2 was coming home starving and it turned out there were issues in the dining room with older kids pushing in the queues/ no nice food left/ not enough time etc.