Just lost it with 11 year old re personal hygiene

[HotchPotched]

DS (11) has just started year 7. He’s struggling with getting homework done and is often scrambling to do it at the breakfast table as he’s ‘forgotten’ it. his personal hygiene is not great either, regularly ‘forgetting’ to brush his teeth and wash his hair when in the shower. He also takes treats without asking (tracker bars, crisps, froobs etc) and eats them in his room to the point there are none left for anyone else.

He has a PlayStation which I limit but the minute my back is turned he’ll go back on. He’s had countless bans for this. He’s worked out how to extend his time on his phone and will sneak his laptop into his room at night. Also had countless bans but makes no difference.

I am at the end of my tether. I’ve really lost it with him this morning. His hair is really greasy and I asked him repeatedly to wash it last night, this morning I realised he hadn’t. He also hadn’t brushed his teeth. It ended up with him crying his eyes out and me shouting at him. I feel horrible as does he. Has anyone ever done this before or am I a horrible person?

[othellooo]

We have had similar with my eldest who is a year older. I actually feel much better after reading this thread and there's lots of good advice given. We decided to type up a schedule and went over it with him (so he couldn't say he didn't understand fully) then pinned it on his wall. He has to look at the schedule daily and follow it. We allocated time for gaming/phone but also homework, shower (also listed what needs done each night during his bathroom time such as brush teeth, shower, tidying up bathroom afterwards etc) and also allocated time for reading before bed and packing school bag for the next day. We still have to pull him up a lot and make sure he's following it and still get push back so it's an ongoing battle but I feel it at least sets the expectation and gives him guidance on what he has to do

[othellooo]

P.s I've always worried we were being really controlling and over doing it but I feel a lot better after reading this thread

[DrivingHomeForChristmaaargh]

Oh bless him. It's a big transition at Y7.

I've been through this (DC now 16 and 13). What worked for us was taking a step back and giving a lot more support, as if to a younger child. So we had a timetable on the fridge that set out each step for after school, eg

4.30-5.30 snack/rest/free time (phone available)
5.30-7.00 homework (phone away) (I'd talk through with them what homework was due at the start and what had been done at the end)
7.00-8.00 dinner and family time (phone away)
8.00-8.30 free time (phone and Xbox available)
8.30 shower, teeth and PJs on

etc etc. It helped DC get a sense of what their evening should look like, even if we didn't always stick to the timetable exactly. Obviously you want to be moving to them doing all this for themselves but you can do that gradually. Moving to senior school, having a lot more freedom and responsibility plus a phone which is literally designed to be addictive, plus hygiene becomes trickier as they hit puberty...it's a lot. I found with DS having a few more grown up bits (shower gel etc) aimed at young men made him keener to wash.

One thing I would add is that long bans of phone and gaming console can be a problem and are likely to be a much harsher punishment than you think. It's easy to underestimate just how much of a Y7's social life depends on their phone (both for making social arrangements and for chatting to friends) and playing games online together. That's not to say you should never ban them, of course, but a long ban is likely to be quite isolating socially for a child, which is going to bring another set of problems with it (especially in Y7 when friendship groups are being established). Just something to be aware of as it's always tempting to take a phone away as a default punishment (especially as we all hate seeing our kids glued to them).

[LuckySantangelo35]

Maybe you losing your shit a bit will help see hygiene is important and non negotiable

dont beat yourself up

[GarlicCrackers]

@HotchPotched

DS (11) has just started year 7. He’s struggling with getting homework done and is often scrambling to do it at the breakfast table as he’s ‘forgotten’ it. his personal hygiene is not great either, regularly ‘forgetting’ to brush his teeth and wash his hair when in the shower. He also takes treats without asking (tracker bars, crisps, froobs etc) and eats them in his room to the point there are none left for anyone else.

He has a PlayStation which I limit but the minute my back is turned he’ll go back on. He’s had countless bans for this. He’s worked out how to extend his time on his phone and will sneak his laptop into his room at night. Also had countless bans but makes no difference.

I am at the end of my tether. I’ve really lost it with him this morning. His hair is really greasy and I asked him repeatedly to wash it last night, this morning I realised he hadn’t. He also hadn’t brushed his teeth. It ended up with him crying his eyes out and me shouting at him. I feel horrible as does he. Has anyone ever done this before or am I a horrible person?

My sons Xbox and to are plugged into smart plugs which go off at 9pm. I have a lockable case on the plugs so he can’t turn the, back on. He has an android phone, his phone locks at 9.30pm and unlocks at 7.42am ready for him to scan his bus ticket.

I used to have smart plugs set completely to off, I would turn them on only when he had showered.

sounds dictatorial but I struggle with parenting personally and need these sort of controls. Helps my adhd brain and keeps us both in line.

downstairs tv smart plug goes off at 3am and back on at 9am which means he doesn’t get distracted with breakfast tv

[Choconut]

I think he just needs more parenting, it's not his fault you're forgetting or busy, of course he's going to push his luck what kid wouldn't? Also why don't you check what homework he has each evening and make sure it gets done? It's obvious he needs more support at the moment if he's trying to get it done at breakfast, it's not as if he's just not bothering at all is it?

He doesn't have ASD by any chance does he as poor hygiene and poor executive function (organisational skills) are common with that, he sounds just like my ds.

Losing your shit with him is not going to help in any shape or any way. It will not make him think personal hygiene is important if it is not important to him. It will not give him the organisational skills to sort his homework out properly.

What he needs is lots of reminding, lots of help with organising himself, lots written down to remind him what he needs to do, reminding to wash his hair in the shower, making sure he does shower a reasonable mount, reminding to brush his teeth.

Getting so angry with him that he's crying his eyes out is only going to make him resent you and damage his self esteem, it will not get you what you want.

[Hopelessacademic]

@GarlicCrackers that's genius! Could you possibly share the links for the smart plugs and covers?

[AllOfThemWitches]

I have to remind my 11yo to shower too. As pp said, they are still only little really.

[RedToothBrush]

@HotchPotched

DS (11) has just started year 7. He’s struggling with getting homework done and is often scrambling to do it at the breakfast table as he’s ‘forgotten’ it. his personal hygiene is not great either, regularly ‘forgetting’ to brush his teeth and wash his hair when in the shower. He also takes treats without asking (tracker bars, crisps, froobs etc) and eats them in his room to the point there are none left for anyone else.

He has a PlayStation which I limit but the minute my back is turned he’ll go back on. He’s had countless bans for this. He’s worked out how to extend his time on his phone and will sneak his laptop into his room at night. Also had countless bans but makes no difference.

I am at the end of my tether. I’ve really lost it with him this morning. His hair is really greasy and I asked him repeatedly to wash it last night, this morning I realised he hadn’t. He also hadn’t brushed his teeth. It ended up with him crying his eyes out and me shouting at him. I feel horrible as does he. Has anyone ever done this before or am I a horrible person?

You can block individual devices on your router...

[spinachmonster]

I've just discovered a podcast called "Peace and parenting" with a woman called Michelle- she's on Instagram too- it is life changing for me- a new way of disciplining- early days but working so so well with my headstrong 11 yo

[JazbayGrapes]

1. Make hygiene non-negotiable. Just send him back to shower. No wifi until fully clean.
   
2. Don't stockpile treats. buy one at a time.
   
3. PlayStation after homework. Also it does have parental controls where you can set a timer.

[whichwayiwonder]

@Hopelessacademic

@GarlicCrackers that's genius! Could you possibly share the links for the smart plugs and covers?

I would really like a link to this too. Can't find a lockable case that looks big enough for a smart plug.

[Madamecastafiore]

You're being lazy with all the leaving things about, letting him wheedle more time and forgetting. Start parenting him properly, get in, homework, dinner and shower and then relaxing and doing whatever he wants and then take all gadgets away. If he's not done his homework during the time he had his laptop/phone then that's his issue he needs to sort out by explaining to his teachers he didn't manage his time appropriately.

[Pootle40]

Sounds like my son but he has dyspraxia

[Ladybug14]

Send him back to the shower every evening if he hasn't washed his hair

Send him back to the bathroom every evening and morning if he hasn't brushed his teeth

Keep doing this laboriously until it becomes 'muscle memory' for him

If you need to take away his tech, actually remove it physically from him and don't leave it lying around or give it back to him until the time/date you've said

Part of the problem with your situation is you need to be utterly consistent

[Ladybug14]

Oh and lock the snacks away and leave only healthy snacks out. Give 'unhealthy' snacks out yourself from the locked container when you think it's appropriate

Consistency again

[Mistysmom]

This also sounds alot like my son - he is on the autistic spectrum but we are awaiting an official diagnosis after gp self referral. He has to be reminded about showers, general personal hygiene, cooking food, the lot and it is extremely frustrating as he has just turned 18.