Self harm, what on earth do I do?

[YourLipsMyLips]

Noticed yesterday that DD 12 has cut marks on her wrist. She is flat out refusing to talk to me about anything, about what's causing it, nothing.

She has a slight history of up and down mental health, and lately she told me she had tried to make herself throw up but couldn't do it.

WTF do I do? I am freaking out. Not in front of her I add, but I'm crying in the bathroom.

What do I do? GP? Do I talk to school? She's adamant that I don't but if she won't talk to her dad or me, what else are we supposed to do?

Anyone been through this? I can't believe we're not even at the teenage years. I'm so sad for my girl.

Talk to the school and tell them she asked you not to tell them. A member of staff can then “notice” and speak to her

Yes, I'm definitely going to take to her guidance teacher (whoever that is!) - thank you.

Although they'll get nothing out of her either so I'm not sure what good it'll do 🤷🏻‍♀️

Remove all shavers. And paracetamol. My dd started off self harming which escalated to an overdose a year later. Imo get her on the list for cahms now. Long lists unless she gets discharged post OD..
Sorry you find yourself dealing with this.
If she has started her periods try some liquid iron.

Sorry you're dealing with this.

Definitely let school know. Remove pencil sharpeners, knives and scissors too. I keep all of that, plus paracetamol, locked in the car these days. DD has been waiting for over a year for CAMHS and finally has an assessment in October. I would love to use a private counsellor for her but have hit a brick wall with finding one.

Fucking hell, yes will remove razors etc.

She's been seen by CAHMS before a few years ago, I have a feeling we can self-refer back but not sure, I'll call them tmrw.

This is a fucking nightmare. I feel like I don't know how to 'be' at home. Do we just go about like it isn't happening? I don't know what to do. I'm so fucking ill equipped for this. How do people do this.

💐 💐……. Firstly, try not to panic too much. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in for years of self harm or that it will escalate. 12-13 can often be the most turbulent years for some young ladies. Having worked in pastoral departments in school I’ve seen self harming behaviours reduce a lot by age 14 plus. It’s so common now and a lot of them copy each other. I would say 12/13 is a common age for self harm/eating issues.

Just “be” normal at home. Don’t walk on eggshells. Validate her feelings and let her know she can come to you if she gets the urge to self harm again. Perhaps look into buying a book like CBT for dummies which is still very accessible to age 12 plus. (Depending on how willing she is to read up on certain topics).

So sorry to read this, OP.

I got a lot of help and support from Parenting Mental Health on FB. I really felt less isolated when I read similar stories to mine.

I wish you and your daughter all the best, it has been a tough road for us and no end in sight, I'm afraid to say. My dd has had a diagnosis of Autism which has explained some of her behaviour. Is your dd on the spectrum?

If she doesn’t want to/can’t verbalise her thoughts or feelings would she think about writing them in a letter/text, you can then respond in kind under the absolute promise that you won’t verbally ask any questions?

CAMHS can take a while (I work in this area) and it’s understandably so scary for you. I find, much of the time, that a parent’s anxiety and stress about the situation is worse than the child’s (again, this is totally understandable because it’s a big deal when your child is hurting themselves).

Your biggest obstacle at the moment is that she doesn’t want to talk - is there another way of communicating about it? Would she write or text it instead? Is there a family member she’s closer to? Is there a counsellor at school you could arrange for her to go to?

The thing with managing risk (by removing sharps) is that there is only so much you can do - if someone wants to hurt themselves, they will find a way. It’s smart to remove all obvious sharps to reduce the risk, but don’t drive yourself mad trying to eradicate the risk completely because it’s an impossible task.

Also - sometimes self harm is a release of emotion (which some find helpful) - so it’s worth exploring (or attempting to, when you can) what’s the driving factor - is it relief of emotion? Is it punishment? Is it a sensory thing? I appreciate these are questions DD will not answer for you right now but worth holding in mind for the future.

The main thing I would advise is validation, validation, validation. You don’t know anything right now because she doesn’t want to tell you - but you can have a conversation around “I understand that some people self harm because they feel sad or angry or upset, and that’s understandable” - I find a lot of the children I see appreciate a calm and realistic approach.

Essentially all you can do right now is stay as calm as possible and approach the situation with love and understanding. I hope she opens up to you soon OP.

My DD told me she had self harmed. I didn't remove any razors etc as you can't possibly take all sharp items out of a house. And if she wants to find something to hurt herself with, she will.

We often communicate via WhatsApp, as she struggles with face to face conversations. She said she would like to talk, but not to me or anyone she knows. So we found a private counsellor locally. She saw her about 6/7 times, and decided that that was enough. No idea what they talked about but she seems much better. No more self harming (that I have seen).

It's tough OP. Xx

Thanks everyone, I'm reading and processing.

I don't think she'd open up via text or anything; she's always been the very closed of closed books; I tried notebooks before where she could just write something and leave it under my pillow but she never did it.

My daughter went through similar so I know how you feel. Second PPs advice on removing things and talking to school.

Also if you can work out when/if she has periods you can put extra support in place, my daughter eventually made the connection and has been able to put coping mechanisms in place for when her hormones are taking over and she feels overwhelmed. This took years and was exhausting.

You are both in my thoughts.

The advice I had was not to remove sharps. Don’t comment on the scars either to say they are worse or better than you thought as that could be triggering. Accept that this is a coping mechanism. Don’t make her feel ashamed or try to get her to promise to stop.

If she will agree to see a counsellor do that and go private if you can afford it (just because CAMHS is so stretched so it would be a long wait if at all)

It is so hard to process as a parent but hopefully will pass eventually. Make sure she knows she can talk to you if she wants to but don’t put her under pressure.

Solidarity from another parent in this position.

Sorry to hear your daughter is going through this and you too. Get yourself on to the harmless website and also young minds. Having the knowledge to deal with some difficult conversations will help.

I think talk to the school, maybe get in contact with the pastoral deputy head or equivalent. Tell your daughter that you are going to do it because you are worried about her and don’t know how to help her. They will be (hopefully) supportive to you and give you information and they can look out for her at school and maybe arrange a school counsellor if that is something they have?

We haven’t taken our daughter to the GP but have wondered if we should. The thing about that is that she would need to be at the appointment and be willing to talk about it and my DD point blank refused to see the GP and said they wouldn’t do anything anyway which I was inclined to agree with.

I sent my DD this link - https://www.selfharm.co.uk/ I don’t know if she used it but it does look like it might be good if someone wanted some outside support without having to tell anyone.

Alumina

sorry here is the link

There are other charities that can help. Harmless are a charity in the East Midlands, not sure if they're wider, may be worth a try, they were quicker for us than CAMHS
good luck - is she masking, could she have ASD? or is it normal teenage angst that's affecting her so badly? My child had hormonal issues as well as possible ASD so she's on the pill now for hormonal control, and awaiting assessments for ASD / ADD

We went through this last year. You need to remove all sharp objects . I did this when she wasn’t there. Didn’t make a fuss or talk about what I found..just removed. Mine used the blade out of sharpeners. Therapist wasn’t great, but she found writing what she was loved each day in a dairy and things she was looking forward to helped. She also found an app that helped you count and celebrate how long you go without cutting. Think it had things daily you can do to distract you. We also made her spend very little time in her room. It was an extremely upsetting time for all and her younger sister. She got through…and replaced it with an eating disorder, but again in a much better place.

100 % contact school and tell them everything you've said.
I'm a form tutor, and pastoral /mental health lead and I receive these calls with sad frequency.

Your DD may well open up to someone at school in a way she can't with you, and then the tutor can contact you and give you some advice.

There may also be a school counselling service which could help.

Just a note on trying not to worry - I work with a lot of young people a year who self harm, cut, have eating disorders etc. As a PP said, it way way more often than not will resolve over time. That's not to minimise their experiences, or to suggest they'll grow out of it, and you may be in for a bumpy time, but in 9 years of doing this job, every student who I've worked with has found a way to become their best and happy selves.

Good luck and love to you and your DD

We went through this 2.5 years ago. Camhs wrote a while ago to ask if she needed to stay on the waiting list. Appalling.
Anyway we removed all sharp objects. She's not McGiver, so with all the razors and sharp kitchen knives and steak knives hidden it was harder for her and meant that she couldn't do anything impulsive while upset.
We had her seen privately and are fortunate we could do that. She went to a psychiatrist who diagnosed ADHD which explained so much including the emotional disregulation and trouble at school which was impacting her self esteem. She saw a therapist for about 4 months weekly for CBT which I'm not sure did much but gave her someone other than me to talk to.
She now (16 neatly 17) says it all feels like a dream and can't believe she did it

DSL here. Remove all means of harm - agree with PP especially paracetamol not just sharps.

Definitely tell the school who may have a counsellor themselves

Google "Young Minds self harm parents" as this will take you to their very comprehensive parent advice page

Ask her to download Calm Harm app which helps with alternatives when she feels the urges

Self-harm relieves emotional pain so she will need to a) have some support with whatever is causing that emotional pain and b) have an alternative release/relief method.

Please don't assume she won't open up just because she hasn't yet.

This is a huge issue with young people's mental health. People give up on them because they've tried and not succeeded - that's exactly what you need to NOT do. Every chance she has to open up is a new opportunity, start afresh every single time. Yes it's exhausting but please don't assume nobody can ever get anything out of her - she's just hurting, it's normal.

Sometimes children/ young people just need to be given a lot of opportunities, from a lot of different places, again and again and again, and then it will happen. Keep trying. Never underestimate the amount of love it takes.

Also, if you are going to remove all sharp objects as people suggest, I think you need a replacement coping mechanism.

Recognise that this IS a coping mechanism and if you just remove it, it could send her spiralling.

I would have a gentle conversation about her, tell her that you are worried about her hurting herself so you have moved all of the knives etc and you have done this because you want to help her and support her to find other ways to cope that aren't as harmful.

Put a box of elastic bands on the kitchen worktop (or wherever works). Tell her when she gets the urge to self harm, these are there and she can use it to flick her wrist/ leg/ wherever she is self harming, if she needs to, but that you do not want her to use sharp objects anymore.

You might want to speak to a professional about the best way to implement something like this - it's just an idea and might not be perfect - but I suppose my main thought is that just removing sharp objects is a bit like leaving her in the dark without her coping mechanism, and she might feel lost.

Thanks everyone. Your responses are making me cry, but I am reading them all. I'm waiting for her Guidance Teacher to call me today.

We did have a bit of a chat yesterday, and although she didn't say much it was more than before, but she also said that was the absolute most she was willing to say.

She said she has only started doing it since starting high school, but she seems to be doing fine at school, so I haven't been able to make the connection really.

I just can't work out if I'm making too much out of it, if I get her to downloads apps and talk about alternatives to cutting, etc. She visibly wants to hide under a rock whenever I bring it up.

Oh the bloody balancing act is a nightmare.