Self harm, what on earth do I do?

[YourLipsMyLips]

Noticed yesterday that DD 12 has cut marks on her wrist. She is flat out refusing to talk to me about anything, about what's causing it, nothing.

She has a slight history of up and down mental health, and lately she told me she had tried to make herself throw up but couldn't do it.

WTF do I do? I am freaking out. Not in front of her I add, but I'm crying in the bathroom.

What do I do? GP? Do I talk to school? She's adamant that I don't but if she won't talk to her dad or me, what else are we supposed to do?

Anyone been through this? I can't believe we're not even at the teenage years. I'm so sad for my girl.

This is the alternative advice re removing sharp objects: Removing sharps although there is also lots of advice out there which says you should. She can easily go and buy a pencil sharpener at any time anyway.

Re making too much of it - I don’t know we didn’t find out for a least a year and by this time it was quite bad so I wish we had got support earlier although it is more comfortable to minimise it. My DD can’t really say why she does it. She is happy at school, has friends and comes from a loving household. It really upset her when we asked if it was our fault. She is not especially depressed or anxious in general she says. It is how she copes when she does feel stressed about all sorts of different things.

if you give her the information that the apps etc exist then she can use them if she wants but doesn’t have to tell you.

I would ime ask to see her Google history.. Dd was looking at self harm chat rooms where girls(assume boys have similar sites) actively encourage others to self harm and report back.

My eldest (early teens) has been self harming, for around 18 months or so.
They saw a counsellor at the school who left and wasn't replaced, I tried the GP who gave us three sessions of counselling, and I self referred to CAMHS.
The wait for CAMHS was around a year or so, but we were given 6 sessions of online counselling, which my child struggled to engage with, and said wasn't helping.
They too advised removing all sharps, however if they really want to harm they will find any way they can to do it, and use anything they might have available.

We had our first trip to a&e recently, we could not be discharged until seen by a CAMHS, and I have been referred to social services. We do now have a few face to face counselling sessions lined up. We have also been referred for an assessment for ADHD/Autism as there can be a link between the 2, however the waiting list for the assessment is around 18 months.

My child also will not discuss anything with me, other than when they realised they needed urgent help.

I have also been told about an app called calm harm which you can download from the app store of choice, which suggest alternatives to harm, and can log days without harming. I showed it to my child and went through it with them but I don't know if they will use it.

I don't really have any advice on how to cope with it yourself though, I struggle with it all the time, but constantly let my child know that any time, any place they need me they can always come and talk to me.

I check her phone every night! She's been on Childline but nothing else I can see.

I found this very helpful and reassuring. Thank you. Going through it with my 16yr old son. It's not just girls.

I can see Alumina has been mentioned - I run that project. We put out some YouTube lives regularly and one recently was for people supporting young people who self harm. I’ll send you a DM with the link if you want. I don’t want to be touting our work but I’m happy to signpost you to our stuff or other things that are helpful if you want. I’m also a regular mumsnetter, not just here to promote!

Thanks @PandaOrLion please post anything you think would be helpful!

This is the video we made about supporting young people who self harm.

The main thing I always thing are helpful to reiterate is that it takes a combination of working through what is causing the emotional distress and coming up with alternative ways to manage the distress and emotionally regulate. Many young people don’t know what is causing them to feel distressed - it could be something big that has happened to them or something occurring everyday like how they feel about themselves. Often as adults supporting we can want them to stop self harming but the triggers or how they felt stay the same - this is why taking away what they use to harm doesn’t usually help.

My top tips are for adults to model how you emotionally regulate ie when I feel angry I go for a run, when I feel sad I watch a film and talk to a friend. Help them to see that all emotions are linked to something, and no emotions are bad, just some are strong and that can feel frightening if we don’t know what to do about it. Between the ages of about 10-25, young peoples brains are led more so from the amygdala than the frontal cortex so they can’t rationalise or think logically as well as an adult - this means that emotions might feel overwhelming and unmanageable whereas an adult knows “I’ll feel this for a while and then it will go”.

Not sure how to link to the video but if you search “be headstrong YouTube self harm” it’ll come up

Thank you - such a helpful video

Hi, so I noticed my daughter 12 has been self harming and has also written suicide notes. I’ve spoken to the school, she’s got a cahms appointment next week by absolute fluke it’s only taken a week due to a cancellation! We’re supporting her the best that we can and I’ve obviously removed all sharps and all medications are kept out of reach of children anyway. My question though is, do social services get involved when a child self harms? My partner seems to think they will do.

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/shout-85258/

useful for the young ones

I am sorry. This is so hard but amazing that Cahms are available- Hope they are helpful. No to social services being involved.

On a positive note - I see it is around a year since we were in the midst of this and the SH is currently not happening and DD seems much more stable most of the time. She had counselling for a good few months and developed other coping strategies. Those early teenage years are so hard for some girls.

@SerenadeOfTheSchoolRun thank you. It’s an emotional rollercoaster to experience it as a parent. I’m just hoping that the cahms work and we can get her to her best self again and move forward. I removed all sharps and she actually gave me a sharpener that she found in her room and I didn’t notice, I feel like this is good process. She’s actually very honest with me about it all and said she did consider keeping it for a just in case but decided she didn’t want too because she didn’t want to be tempted. I’m glad your daughter is on her road to recovery, I hope she continues!

Went through this with one of mine. It's scary and disturbing.

They usually have a hidden 'kit' with their tools in it. You won't find it and even if you do and take it away, she'll likely make another. The secretiveness is part of the ritual as is the shame she will likely be feeling. It's horrible to think of them i their room doing this but you have to be strong and not show too much obviously emotion. If ever there is a time for you to be the in control adults it's now. She needs to feel safe at home.

There are resources to help you and her. One of the 'tricks' therapists use is a distraction technique (commonly and elastic band around the wrist). When they get the urge to cut, they flick the band on their wrist to get a hit of discomfort. The aim being a temporary distraction.

I found that talking gently and lightly, and not too often to her without betraying my own feelings, was useful. Keep the connection going.

Spend time with her with no agenda other than just being normal and being together. Go for a walk and chat about this and that. Just keep normality and connection. Make her feel safe and loved unconditionally. Keep the door open. She might eventually talk to you. Give long squeezy hugs as physical contact is important too - positive physical sensations are a good antidote to the negative hurt of the cut and remind her of the feeling of safety when she was younger.

If you can get counselling/therapy then that would be good.

Definitely talk to the school. At my child's secondary they were very supportive and reassured me that sadly there was an epidemic of cutting , especially in girls. It was almost cult-like.

As I understand it not every child who cuts escalates into more serious things, but it can happen so keep an eye out for what she's eating, how much she's exercising and any tendencies to isolate herself or start skipping school.

This website has a wealth of links and information for you and your daughter. www.hycscounselling.co.uk/self-help-hub/a-z-support-directory/resources-s/

Keep strong.

@itsmeafterall thank you very much. That’s some really useful information and I’m definitely on hyper alert for other behaviours now (without her knowing obviously)