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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

Son is not growing up :(

53 replies

Abcdefgh12345 · 30/08/2019 16:39

It’s a catch 22.
My son is 11 and although I have brought him up to be kind and caring which he is I now need him to be ready for secondary school.
He’s more like a 8 year old.
He won’t play fight and cries when someone tries
He still likes to watch cartoons
He won’t try any tricks on scooters or bikes because he’s scared
He won’t climb a tree because he’s scared
He’s scared to stay at anyone else’s house other than his dads or mine.
He cries when he falls over
He cries when he’s emotionally upset
He won’t play football or any sport for fear of being hurt

I live in a cul de sac street where everyone knows each other. Everyone has kids. It’s great. But he only plays with the younger ones and not his age.
He is in a group on WhatsApp with all his school mates but won’t engage in conversations. He only reads them.
What do I do?
Although I don’t want him to grow up too fast I kind of need him to so he is ready.

OP posts:

pictish · 30/08/2019 16:48

Well some of this is nonsense isn’t it? I have two sons and a daughter and while they are very different from one another, none of them have ever relished play-fighting or team sports or tricks on bikes or scooters.
It’s not like being a competitive daredevil is compulsory for children. They don’t punch lumps out of each other either.

He sounds well within the normal range of development for his age. What do you want from him?

JiltedJohnsJulie · 30/08/2019 16:48

Have you got any other concerns at all? How was he at Primary? Did he play with the children there?

Does he do any out of school activities like Scouts?

AnyFucker · 30/08/2019 16:49

SarahTancredi · 30/08/2019 16:51

So he doesn't fight or do stupid things that land him in hospital on his scooter ?
That doesn't sound a problem.tbh. and more boys should cry. Dont ever tell boys they shouldnt.

Is he sensible. Could he cope getting to school by himself? Can he organise himself. Thise are things that should be of concern for secondary school.

What does he like to do activity wise?

LtGreggs · 30/08/2019 16:53

I have a 10 and a 12 yo DS

What you describe does sound a little bit unusual, though not necessarily a major problem.

Do school have any concerns?
Does your DS consider himself to have friends?
Is your DS happy in himself, or does he wish he was different?
Do you (or his dad) do any of those more physical things with him - e.g. do you do outdoorsy stuff, play a sport, go on bike rides as a family activity??

pikapikachu · 30/08/2019 16:55

Most of those don't matter.

Ds is in y9 and reads but rarely replies to texts. His friends and him have short conversations like
-Wanna play PS4?
-Can't until 7. Soz
-K

You're being sexist trying to push playfighting and footie. Lots of boys like neither. My Ds has no interest in footie but lots of friends.

I'd be worried about how anxious he is- scared of being hurt playing footie is unusual. Does he have to do rugby for pe?

PaquitaVariation · 30/08/2019 16:55

He sounds cautious and sensible. He’ll find kids just like him at secondary school. You want to change his personality which seems a bit unfair. You can’t force emotional maturity but it sounds like he gets upset at things which are upsetting and crying is a perfectly reasonable response. Can he travel by himself and organise his time and belongings? These are the things which will make a difference.

Fudgenugget · 30/08/2019 16:57

My dd is nearly 13 and watches cartoons .

Do you have a good parenting relationship with his father?
Any problems between your son and his dad?

I will be frank and say I think you expect him to be a certain way, more of a tough boy, when he clearly isn't. Why not just accept him for who he is?

pikapikachu · 30/08/2019 16:57

He cries when he’s emotionally upset

what do you want him to do when he's upset? Crying is better than lashing out and hitting, smashing things up etc

pikapikachu · 30/08/2019 16:58

Lots of kids his age and older watch cartoons. There are cartoons aimed at adults like Family Guy. In y7 my son became a big fan of Rick and Morty.

Happyspud · 30/08/2019 17:01

A group of 11 yr olds have a WhatsApp group....well there’s your next problem. Are you aware the age limit is 16, for very good reasons.

He doesn’t need to be anything but resilient and it seems that is what you are worried about. And he is avoiding mixing with his peers which isn’t great either. Have you always protected him from everything leading to him being over cautious now or is this just his personality do you think?

SweetAsSpice · 30/08/2019 17:01

He’s 11. CTFO. Let him grow up in his own time. You will be longing for the innocence one day, honestly!

Mrsjayy · 30/08/2019 17:01

Well he doesn't have to climb trees and playfight does he and boys are allowed to cry are they not ? Are you expecting him to mature into some gruff teenager who rolls about the dirt with his mates

Mrsjayy · 30/08/2019 17:04

And he is 11 what are you wanting him to watch of course he is going to watch cartoons

Yika · 30/08/2019 17:04

Do you think it could be useful to take him to a child psychologist - not to change him but to develop some strategies and techniques to give him a better range of options when confronted with fears? He does sound unusually cautious - I wonder why the fear of being hurt is so strong?

PastTheGin · 30/08/2019 17:10

I hope you’re not raising your “concerns” with your ds! He sounds absolutely fine.
Are you an extrovert? Is he an introvert?

MeggyMeg · 30/08/2019 17:16

On the face of it your message sounds like your son is just not living up to what you expected from a boy. However, context is everything. Are there any other concerns ? How is his school work? Any worries with communication? Does he know his times tables ? Days of week/months of the year ?

greenfamily · 30/08/2019 17:16

You seem to have an idea of what 11 year old boys should be like and yours doesn't conform - and why should he? You say he's kind, try making a list of his positive attributes and things he is interested in and develop those further. My son going into y8 is not on WhatsApp, nor does he want to be. He doesn't want the constant pressure of having to engage in that way. Give him time, support and space to develop into the young man he's meant to be

MeggyMeg · 30/08/2019 17:16

Tie his laces ? Use cutlery?

IndianaMoleWoman · 30/08/2019 17:17

Would you have these concerns about him having emotions and expressing rational fears about doing dangerous things if he was a girl?

Ornery · 30/08/2019 17:23

Ds is 17 and left school this summer. His cartoon interest (which included mlp until very recently) now includes anime. He didn’t play any sport until 14/15 when he decided he wanted to be good at basketball, but he had been through swimming lessons and we pushed him through to lifeguard. He has never played football in his life.
He has two sisters and spent most of his formative years wearing purple tutus. At 10/11 he would hide behind the door if he saw kids out in the neighbourhood as the idea of social contact was overwhelming.

We had one rule, which was that he needed to choose two activities (of any sort) to take part in, as otherwise it was pretty clear he would prefer never to leave the house. This was sometimes a struggle.
He variously went to dance classes, scouts, swimming lessons, then eventually basketball. Every year we had to gently encourage (push) him to choose.
At 17 he has been lifeguarding for nearly two years and is taking a gap year before a performing arts degree. He has a small but tight group of friends that go on camping trips. And he still watches cartoons.

11 is just a baby. Don’t force him to act macho and pretend he isn’t a child. He is.

SeaSaltandLime · 30/08/2019 17:24

Please don't tell him not to cry, or imply in anyway that he shouldn't be crying because it's 'immature.' Hugely damaging.

Kids are different. So what he doesn't want to break his neck on the scooter, play fight or climb trees
If he doesn't feel comfortable, he doesn't.

He's still so small.
I know he's going to school with teenagers now but honestly most of them won't bat an eyelid at a year 7 acting like a child - since he is one.

NeverSayFreelance · 30/08/2019 17:26

Hi OP! I'm a 23 year old woman with a house, a degree, and a full time job!

I cry when I'm upset. I like cartoons. I don't like to do anything which might cause me to get physically hurt. Sometimes I cry if I hurt myself badly enough.

I get that you're concerned your son isn't maturing at the same rate as the other kids, but he's acting like a perfectly normal human being of ANY age.

aliteralAIBUforonce · 30/08/2019 17:28

What does he like doing? Does he read? Have a hobby or interest?

He doesn't have to do the rough and tumble stuff.

Original poster

Abcdefgh12345 · 30/08/2019 17:31

When I say he cries it’s over the smallest things.
He is a really good lad and I’m extremely proud of him.
I think I care across wrong.
I’m worried he won’t stick up for himself at school. I’m worried he will get bullied.
He didn’t really have friends at primary school, he would prefer to help out the adults and teachers. Which was regularly brought up in parents reviews.
I’m not bothered about him being a boys boy or doing all of those activities like footy etc but it is absolutely everything he is scared of.
The beach for example - we live 5 mins away from beaches and he wants to wear socks on the beach so he doesn’t get dirty and he won’t go in the water not even to paddle.

His dad and I get on very well and have 50/50 custody of him.

I don’t want to change my son for the world he’s an amazing boy but like I said I worry for him attending secondary school.

OP posts:

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