Son is not growing up :(

[Abcdefgh12345]

It’s a catch 22.
My son is 11 and although I have brought him up to be kind and caring which he is I now need him to be ready for secondary school.
He’s more like a 8 year old.
He won’t play fight and cries when someone tries
He still likes to watch cartoons
He won’t try any tricks on scooters or bikes because he’s scared
He won’t climb a tree because he’s scared
He’s scared to stay at anyone else’s house other than his dads or mine.
He cries when he falls over
He cries when he’s emotionally upset
He won’t play football or any sport for fear of being hurt

I live in a cul de sac street where everyone knows each other. Everyone has kids. It’s great. But he only plays with the younger ones and not his age.
He is in a group on WhatsApp with all his school mates but won’t engage in conversations. He only reads them.
What do I do?
Although I don’t want him to grow up too fast I kind of need him to so he is ready.

[malificent7]

I dont mean that unkindly

[malificent7]

The playfight thing is rididulous op...who wants that really? You sound more immature than him.

[MollyButton]

I do have to say I thought ASD too. Maybe take him to your GP and get on the waiting list for a referral.
The signs that would concern me are: crying a lot over little things, no real friends, hanging out with teachers and TAs at school, he's scared of a lot of things.
I wouldn't panic but I would ask his new school to keep an eye on him, and maybe ask the SENCO to put him on the SEN list, just so they keep an extra eye on him.

[BlankTimes]

@Dogsarebetterthancatsok
It's very common for kids on the spectrum to have an emotional "age" much lower that their chronological age. A rough rule of thumb is about two thirds. Unfortunately, that does tend to attract the wrong sort of attention from their peers. Been there.

I've looked for a source for that information and found this, see the seventh post down in that thread by 'Mumble'
www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?/topic/12901-emotional-age/

[SheldonandMama]

You are obviously proud of him but worried he wont manage the transition to high school. Is this mainly your anxiety or his he worried too? Carry on being proud of who he is and his sense of self will grow strong. That'll help him.manage any unkindness. Teasing is part of boy world in yrs 7 and 8 IME. Feeling ok about himself will help buffer this. The other important thing is to support him to find his own tribe. There'll be others just like him. He only needs to find one or two others and he'll be sorted. Don't worry. Kids mature at different rates and your dc likes his own company. Good for him. He knows what he does and doesnt like. Good for him. He doesnt like taking risks. So what. Maybe this'll mean less worry for you further down the road. I hope all goes well OP. He sounds fine to me. An individual. That's just fine.

[ColdTattyWaitingForSummer]

You could have been describing my 12 year old to be fair. And actually I think he would have struggled in our local state secondary. (I have a feeling a school in leafy Surrey would be very different to one on an inner city estate..) In ds’s case, I think there is a link between his slight immaturity and his diagnosed dyslexia and processing difficulties. I don’t know if any of that might apply to your ds?

[EdnaAdaSmith]

As well as "The out of synch child" "The highly sensitive child" is also a useful read if you have time.

Some of the things you list are things a lot of his peers will have grown out of again in a year or two - tricks on bikes and scooters, playfighting, even sport somewhat sadly. You only have to ask yourself whether there are things which matter longer term - does he actually genuinely struggle socially? Is he comfortable in his own skin?

[HeadintheiClouds]

You sound like you’re trying to fit him into the mold of a “typical” boy.
Not wanting to play fight (seriously?!) and still watching cartoons have no bearing on his readiness for high school.
You really need to leave the poor kid alone

[EdnaAdaSmith]

The not having friends at school, preferring the company of younger children and sensory defensiveness are the only slight causes for concern. It could be a sign of mild sensory processing issues or being on the ASD spectrum or just having "traits" but not enough for a diagnosis.

I'd recommend "the out of synch child" for the sensory issues and keep talking and listening to him.

[Longdistance]

Why would you want him to grow up? My dd is 10 and is still quite immature for her age. I’m glad as I’d rather she didn’t grow up in a hurry.

[Bluntness100]

That's a really unusual list you've got going on there op. There is nothing wrong with him. I'd be more worried about your own thought processes to come up with that list.

[Topseyt]

Not all boys like rough and tumble, just like not all girls like stuff such as shopping, clothes and make-up. Try not to apply stereotypes. He doesn't have to conform to all of those.

I understand your worries about secondary school as he sounds like a sensitive or quiet child and might not stick up for himself, so could be bullied. I had two children who were like that in different ways. Both needed support to get through secondary school for a variety of different reasons, but the one I thought was at the most risk of serious bullying did surprise me somewhat. Whilst some problems did occur, she learned a lot and she coped far better than I feared. The other, who was on the face of things more outgoing, did need much more support. Some guidance was available in school for some of it, although nothing is perfect.

Just support him and let him develop in his own time. You can't make him into something or someone he isn't. He is his own person.

[delilahbucket]

This isn't a maturity issue at all. He's not that dissimilar to my ds who is the same age, although it does sound like you have pandered to him a lot which has made him overly cautious. I would work on how to face his fears through encouragement and leading by example. He isn't a boisterous boy, that's fine, it's who he is and don't force him to be otherwise.
With the constant crying that you describe, is he getting enough sleep of a high quality? For example a good and consistent routine in his life, no screens/sugar/caffeine close to bedtime. If my ds is tired or out of routine for more than a couple of days it's just constant meltdowns over everything.

[Chewbecca]

Your son sounds fairly similar to mine (now 15) except that I have never considered any of this stuff a problem.

He had a fab group of friends at secondary school, they play computer games, debate politics and are academically competitive.

I think my son is fab.

The fact he hates football (& most sports) and has never climbed a tree or had a fight and refuses to swim in the sea and being fearful of crabs in the sand is just who he is and he has never been bullied for it.

[Hoppinggreen]

My 10 year old is a bit like this, he doesn’t like taking risks at all, not keen on new things etc
But he’s intelligent, articulate, friendly, popular and happy which is far more important
His sister is very different but that’s good, I don’t want 2 the same
Your son sounds absolutely fine OP

[Dogsarebetterthancatsok]

Sounds exactly like my DS who has autism. He’s going into secondary and I’m worried. I honestly think I’ll snd up homeschooling him tbh. It’s like a 7 year old going into year 7

[DampInTheLakes]

I'm torn between thinking Highly Sensitive Child (Google for more info) and there being more to this. You mentioned WhatsApp, is it possible there's some bullying going on that you're not aware of? Your son's behaviour is completely age appropriate but there are perhaps some red flags that would have me thinking there's perhaps something going on behind the scenes that's causing him to react in certain ways. Have you asked him what makes him gravitate more to adults than peers? Perhaps they feel more "safe"? Maybe he's just an old soul, some kids are like that but I think I'd be asking a few questions about the WhatsApp group conversations and maybe encouraging more friendships. He's perhaps worried about high school himself and maybe you can work together to come up with some coping strategies to build resilience and let him know who to contact in the event of any bullying. Have a think about damage limitation and giving/teaching him the tools to handle these big life changes but in a way that doesn't make him more cautious. There's lots of books on this and resources online if you go digging. Good luck.

[Stapelberg]

Hi OP,
This probably sounds odd but I kind of envy you... I sometimes wish my son was a bit calmer. At 6 his motto is 'if it moves, chase it! It of does not move, climb on it or eat it!'
I genuinely fear for his safety sometimes. He is always on his bike or scooter (finally got the message of no helmet, so I wheels), does danherous stunts and talks to strangers all the time. One day I came downstairs to find a complete stranger sitting in my living room! DS 'found' a tired old lady walking outside and invited her in for a cup of tea without telling me!! He then disappeared on his next adventure and left the woman waiting for her tea till I appeared (she did get the tea before I helped her on her way).
I would say enjoy your calm, relaxed and SAFE son!!

[Mediumred]

He really does sound lovely, I don’t blame you for being a bit worried, secondary seems like such a massive jump and they are expected to be so much more independent with hardly any transition from primary. DD is starting this time and I thought she was reasonably streetwise (London) but she is having wobbles.

Lovely to hear from parents that have been through it that most kids do find their tribe at secondary, guess it’s just letting them know that they don’t have to fit into these jock, princess, swot etc stereotypes that we might carry from our own school days, kids today do seem a wee bit more accepting of non-conformist behaviour! Good luck to you and your boy. X

[PastTheGin]

He does sound lovely! Secondaries are usually big enough for everybody to find their “tribe”. If you are very worried you could talk to the form tutor and/or head of year to keep an eye on him.

[Zakana]

Don’t worry OP, he sounds a lot like my daughter at that age, although she was and still is a complete tomboy and was always out and about, climbing trees, skateboarding and stuff, my daughter always preferred adult company and even now at 17 will not stay overnight anywhere, only with close family and then, only for one night at a time. Your son sounds like a lovely, sensitive little soul. I think he’ll surprise you when he gets to secondary school, and he’ll surprise himself. My daughter has plenty of friends now from school.

[AliMonkey]

DS hates showers, being barefoot if dirty floor and getting undressed in front of anyone. He’s managed all of them during school PE. I find he will do things if he has to at school that he won’t if given the choice at home so your DS may surprise you.

[Tempnamechange98765]

He sounds lovely!

Were his teachers never concerned that he hadn't made any friends? That's something that would be flagged up for a young child nowadays I think. Are you concerned he didn't make any friends?

[Riddleofthesands]

He will find a group of like minded friends at school, try not to worry. Let him be himself. Try not to compare. He sounds perfectly fine to me!

Not all boys are climbing trees and playing rugby. From my DSs year I know one who loves singing (chorister), another who seems to only play mine craft, and lots who hate sport especially contact sports, there is one boy who is passionate about cars. What is your DS interested in?

My 15 year old DS still builds Lego (Christmas and Birthday presents he asks for it) and watches cartoons. Still sleeps with cuddly toys. I don’t think there is a cut off for these things. Again, try not to worry.

[1Wildheartsease]

Are you worried about the way he fits in with his peers at school now?

The list of things you have here are all fine really but the way you have made it suggests some other concern.

(Even when PM and well over the age of 11, Winston Churchill was well known as a 'blubberer' and always cried when 'emotionally upset' or moved.)