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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

What on earth was going through my DS3's mind???!

31 replies

survivingthechildren · 08/08/2013 11:47

DS3 is 11. Old enough to know better, basically.

Today he got in some sort of scrap with DS2(13) over who owned what possession. It got a bit ugly so they were both sent away to cool down, and the item was discovered to be DS2's (it was a bloody school bag of all things, but it was from DS1 and has all kinds of signatures and labels, and is therefore the height of cool). Now if only they could summon up this level of enthusiasm for other areas of their education

Later this evening, after coming home from the shops, I notice that someone has KEYED THEIR NAME ONTO THE HOOD OF THE CAR.

What. The. Fuck. Was. DS2. Thinking.

This was definitely the work of DS2, as the guilty look on his face told us as much when we confronted the DC. He was trying to make a point, that just because something has your name on it, doesn't mean it's actually yours.

And so he keyed his name into our car.

I am beyond furious. I cannot even fathom why he thought this was sensible, what on earth he was thinking?! Sometime he has such lack of understanding for consequences I despair.

Is anyone else's 11yo this immature? And what can I do about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
survivingthechildren · 08/08/2013 11:48

Ergh. That should be DS2 in the 4th line.

OP posts:
Original poster
survivingthechildren · 08/08/2013 11:49

Oh good lord. That should be DS3 in 4th and 5th line- ignore above post. My 11yo keyed the car after a scrap with his 13yo brother.

There.

OP posts:
bumpybecky · 08/08/2013 11:53

My teens have had their moments, dd1 is particular seems to insist on learning things the difficult way. I think the point is they don't think - red mist descends and all thought of consequences go right out the window.

I'm not surprised that you're furious. I guess you've just gained a labourer for the next few weeks, doing jobs for you until he's paid off the cost of the re-spray.

Cerisier · 08/08/2013 11:54

Wow that is totally out of order. My DD wrote her name on the dining table when she was four, and we went ballistic. I can't believe an 11 year old has had such a hissy fit and done that.

Major consequences time- he should get down to Halfords and get some t-cut and hope he can get the paintwork looking reasonable. Else it will need doing at the garage and will cost a fortune.

eurochick · 08/08/2013 11:55

Bloody hell, that is quite some strop! What are you going to do?

MrsDeVere · 08/08/2013 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fieldfare · 08/08/2013 12:07

Oh dear god, I would be incandescent with rage.
Her life wouldn't be worth living as she would be doing chores forever more and going without things she likes. If it was repairable at home then she would damn well be helping fix it, if it was a garage job then she would be made to understand where that money had to come from and then going without until it was paid for. No clubs, pocket money, treats or phone etc.

Feeling quite sorry for you!

hufflebottom · 08/08/2013 12:09

ouch, looks like he's got a lot of making up to do to pay for the car to be fixed, or he learns a new skill in repairing cars?

I wouldn't walk away from it, but definately think about it and calm down before making decisions, at 11 it needs to be dealt with.

Original poster
survivingthechildren · 08/08/2013 12:11

Just unbelievable isn't it? We are coming down like a tonne of bricks, to make it clear that this is beyond unacceptable.

He was sent straight to bed when we found out. Good job too, as DH was barely coherent in his rage. He will be banned from all electronics for a month, and the repair for the paint work will be paid for entirely from his allowance and extra chores. He'll also go to bed early for the next week.

Do you think that will hammer home the message?? Honestly, he's lucky he didn't get a smacked bottom the way DH was heading. I just hope this isn't a prequel of what is to come, I can't cope with 3 difficult teenage boys and 2 tempestuous primary children!

OP posts:
stealthsquiggle · 08/08/2013 12:43

I remember a similar bust up between DB2 and DM (DB2 may have been a bit younger than 11, but not a lot). IIRC, it went something like this:

DB2 had some penguin - shaped beanbags with which he was learning to juggle. He kept dropping one and it would fly out and hit DM. She decided to write 'Fred' on the label of the penguin that hit her so that she could tell if it was the same penguin all the time.

So far so lighthearted, but DB2 went ballistic about her having written on something that was his. For months afterwards DM found 'Fred' written on random possessions of hers. Nothing so expensive as the OP's damage, but the sense of injustice in the preteen mind is clearly far larger than we appreciate from an adult POV.

(not that I wouldn't be incredibly cross - I would. Not sure how you go about dealing with it TBH as it's presumably not practical for him to pay for the repair?)

Original poster
survivingthechildren · 08/08/2013 14:56

stealth That I could see the humour in - but this one may take until his 21st to crack a smile out of us.

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 08/08/2013 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

runningonwillpower · 08/08/2013 16:55

I'm actually feeling a bit sorry for DS3 (aka vandal).

Clearly he didn't think it through but now he is feeling the full-on wrath of both parents - bet he's sorry.

Just out of interest, did he carve his own name on the car?

I ask because when we were kids my sister and I were constantly astonished by the stunts our brothers pulled. They were older but even in our younger eyes they were never ever going to get away with it. It was so blatantly obvious, not only who the culprit was but that they were going to get sussed. Is that a boy thing?

On the plus side, he does know how to make a case for his argument doesn't he?

Eyesunderarock · 08/08/2013 17:19

Firstly, I think you are right to come down on him like a ton of bricks, and being very specific about what and for how long and how much he will need to do to make things right again in your eyes.
The following is in no way intended to be an excuse, but I was wondering why?
Many children, and a significant percentage appear to be male, seem to take a while to develop an understanding of action and consequence and that sometimes going with the moment is a Really Bad Idea.
The emotion takes over, and the 'Oh Shit' takes a while to catch up.
The intensity of 'It's not fair' and 'I'll show you' is hard to overestimate, and how much brooding takes place.
How is he feeling about secondary school?
Has he got form for this sort of idiocy?

My aunt lost her temper with her DS at 18 who had been rude, dismissive and sauntered out of the house. She too threw everything he had out of his bedroom window and into the garden. Including the wardrobe and bed.
She didn't let him back in for two days, or his stuff.
It rains a lot in Yorkshire you know.

Cerisier · 08/08/2013 18:21

OMG Eyes your aunt rocks!

Original poster
survivingthechildren · 09/08/2013 04:34

Send your aunt this way eyes! I could use a little bit of that!

And lol at the clothes tree! Have to say though, with a very male dominant house, I honestly don't know that the boys would even bat an eyelid!

Don't feel too sorry for my little vandal running. He had a whopping temper tantrum when we confronted him last night, and was screaming about how did we like it - putting his name on something that wasn't his! So I have to say my sympathy is limited.

He was pretty sober when we woke up this morning, but we were having the usual last minute dash out the door for school (living in NZ) so didn't speak about it any further. He was definitely staying out of DH and my way, so I'll have a proper talk when he's back this afternoon and see how that goes.

He does have form for this kind of stupidity, just naughtiness really. Although he is getting way to old for such things. I don't think he links action and consequence very well, this isn't the first time he's done something really naughty in the moment. I just don't know how best to help him link his actions to reality. I'm really hoping it's a maturity thing, and that with time he'll settle down a bit!

OP posts:
PeriodMath · 09/08/2013 04:52

I know it doesn't help you OP but I am laughing my head off at the brother writing Fred on his mothers' possessions. I can see his point really - but so melodramatic!

FairPhyllis · 09/08/2013 04:55

Are you the MNer in NZ who threw her son's X-box out of the window when he said something really appalling?

Sorry to go off topic - just saw that you were in NZ and wondered.

Original poster
survivingthechildren · 09/08/2013 05:01

Well PeriodMath, at least it might make his friend's laugh when I retell it at his 21st!

Ahem, yes Phyllis that was me. Not the same DS though! Apparently there are not many mumsnetters in NZ, as I have outed myself on other threads by mentioning this fact!

OP posts:
FairPhyllis · 09/08/2013 05:25

Crikey, it's all happening at your house OP. Grin That was a spectacular thread btw.

Madamecastafiore · 09/08/2013 06:13

Whatever you do is right IMO. I live for the day when I can emulate you and chuck a games console put of the window. Coolest thing ever to happen in the world!

Original poster
survivingthechildren · 09/08/2013 14:07

I know eh! Maybe I'll get my own reality series!

OP posts:
Andro · 10/08/2013 21:46

You couldn't do it yet since he's in the doghouse (to put it mildly I would say), but would some form of martial art help him gain control of his temper or at least learn to think through his rage? The discipline involved (if you find a good instructor) can be very good for impulse control (maybe not so good if he's doing this stuff out of cold malice rather than red mist!).

RandomMess · 10/08/2013 21:52

Can't believe it's the x-box family!!!

I am now seriously worried about my youngest 3 getting older - what have I let myself in for Shock

Openyourheart · 18/08/2013 17:32

OMG! I think I would have seriously lost my mind and possibly control if any of my DSs did that to my car.

If it makes you feel any better though, recently my 12 yr old was told that he couldn't play football in the garden as I had put grass seed down on a large bare patch on the lawn. I had told him a few times over the previous weeks that he couldn't play footie in the garden because it was ruining the lawn and because there had previously been an incident involving the neighbour's greenhouse (i.e., he had smashed a window with the ball).

He was so angry at constantly being told that he couldn't play football that he went into the garden shed, got various garden tools out and dug up the patch with the grass seed on it. He then got a hose to wash the seed away.

I went effing ballistic.