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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

DD 11 won't get up for School

40 replies

ItsRainingOutside · 06/10/2012 15:49

And it's causing no end of argument in the mornings. I get up at 6.20, go wake her and expect her to be downstairs by 7.15 ready to leave 10 minutes later. She refuses to eat breakfast so I've given up on that point.

What happens is I ask her to get up about 10 times, each time getting more annoyed. I have to tell her to wash, brush her teeth, put on deoderant, do her hair - everything multiple times and it's been like this since she was 8 years old.

She comes downstairs at a snail's pace 1 minute before we need to leave, frequently with stuff still to do such as pack her bag. If we miss the bus, I have to drive her the 1 hour round trip and don't really see why I should tbh. My DP says I should just leave her in bed and tell the school she is sick and she'll soon see I'm not going to run around after her both of us getting upset because we end up in a screaming row. Going to school is non-negotiable for me and there's no way I'd leave her in bed, which is what she wants.

She now tells me she's always having to pretend at school that she's not upset at the way I shout at her so her friends don't know how horrible I am. I'm at my wits end and really don't know how to deal with her. Her father isn't around and when she spends the summer holidays with him, he just lets her lay in bed until 2/3pm in the afternoon and stay up all night.

Btw, on a weekend, I let her sleep in but today she had to attend the school open day and it was the worst Saturday I've had for a long time!!!

OP posts:

JuliaScurr · 06/10/2012 15:56

how about discussing and agreeing a workable solution, then giving a small prize for eg 5 good mornings? Points mean prizes

mumofthemonsters808 · 06/10/2012 16:17

No wonderful advice from me because we have a similar problem with DD age 10, but what I have found makes a massive difference is the amount of sleep she gets.If she is repeatedly getting out of bed late and causing us to be last minute then she also loses playing out time that evening.I also try to organise as much as possible the night before i.e school bag packed, PE kit sorted, simply because it makes life easier.

Her not going to school is not an option for me either and sometimes I think she performs like this in the hope that I will just let her laze the day away!!!.Ignore the comments to her friends,girls have a special way of turning the argument to focus on your behaviour.

Good luck and I'll watch this thread with interest

StuntNun · 06/10/2012 16:18

My DS1 (9yo) is the same. IMO the only effective solution would be to dress her yourself, do her hair for her, brush her teeth for her like a baby. Obviously you don't want to do this but it would certainly work (my mum did this for my younger brother and he's still a lazy sod).

Can you offer a reward, e.g. make her pocket money contingent on being ready on time or offer extra privileges such as choosing dinner at the weekend, getting to stay up late on Friday.

What about putting up a list of the things she has to do and the times they must be done, e.g. 6.20 wake up, 6.30 get up, be dressed by 6.45, etc.?

Are there any consequences for her being late, can you withdraw a privilege if she misses the bus. What about allowing her to be late for school one day and making her explain to her class that she is late because she wouldn't get up?

It's a difficult situation and not easy to fix. I used to go out with a guy whose mother phoned his adult brother every morning to tell him to get up and go to work. Without the call he would have got the sack for always being late.

Oneflipflop · 06/10/2012 20:09

What about warning her that if she misses the bus you won't drive her and will tell the school why she is late?

Wolfiefan · 06/10/2012 20:16

Pack bag etc the night before.
Why wake her an hour before you need to?
Get one of those alarm clocks that roll all over the floor and you have to catch it?
Sit down with her and explain you don't want to shout but she needs to get up so
1 ask nicely
2
Fill in the gaps! My Dgrandad would put a cold flannel down our neck. Bit harsh. DM would steal the duvet or send the dog in!
Decide on appropriate rewards if she gets up.
Is she getting enough sleep?

WilfSell · 06/10/2012 20:22

Time to teach her 'natural consequences' at this age, I reckon. Give her an alarm clock and a timetable/list of all the things she needs to take responsibility for and by what time.

If she's not ready, let her be late.

I predict it will only happen ONCE. But if not, hold your nerve, if necessary, telling the school what you're doing and why.

WilfSell · 06/10/2012 20:26

And, of course, if she's late and misses the bus, don't drive her. But you have to be firm and develop a cool, calm, 'not my problem' face. You explained when she needed to be ready and what she needed to do. It was her choice to face the consequences of not doing it etc.. She may screech and shout but she also has to learn that she if she won't co-operate there are other people in the world who won't wait for her.

It is in your longterm interests - IME you have to let teenagers gradually take responsibility for their life.

Wolfiefan · 06/10/2012 20:27

I wouldn't simply let her be late. It's not the responsibility of the school to get her up.
Feel free to discuss this with her tutor though. I bet if you tell her you intend to then she would get moving!

Wolfiefan · 06/10/2012 20:28

She is not a teen.

Flisspaps · 06/10/2012 20:34

I'd remove the duvet if she doesn't get up on the first ask. No fun staying in a cold bed. Make sure she has everything ready the night before. Stand over her while age gets dressed if you need to.

Instead of spending ages nagging her, baby her until she does what you need her to. If that fails, go in 10 minutes earlier.

WilfSell · 06/10/2012 20:37

No but she will be a teen very soon and pre-adolescent attitude is very common in 11 year olds. Of course it isn't the school's responsibility it is HER OWN at this age. Is she in secondary school?

Numberlock · 06/10/2012 20:39

I had this with my son. You need to firmly explain that you will leave when you plan to and leave her to get ready on her own. If she's late, go without her. I can guarantee she won't do it again.

YouSmegHead · 06/10/2012 20:40

I think you should sit her down and talk to her about this calmly. Ask her what she's going to do about it and what the consequences should be.

CuriousMama · 06/10/2012 20:42

I agree with letting her find out what happens if she doesn't go. I'd also talk to the school about it but tell her first.

MadameCastafiore · 06/10/2012 20:45

I'd print of the consequences that will befall you of her not going to school, she won't be able to do your jail time but you can sure as hell guarantee that all money given to her for Christmas and birthdays will go towards paying fines. Oh and advise her you have told everyone that they are to only give her money by way of cheques made out to you.

Goldmandra · 06/10/2012 20:45

First of all have you sat down with her during a non-confrontational moment and asked her if there are any problems at school/ You just need to be sure this isn't about a reluctance to face the day in school.

Once you've done that you need to sit down with her and tell her what impact the mornings are having on your life.

Plan together a list of rewards and sanctions that you both feel are fair. There needs to be at least as much positive as there is negative. Link this to a timetable for the evening (preparing school bag, etc) and the mornings which includes realistic timings and some room for error.

Tell her that she has x amount of time to show that she can make the system work before you make an appointment to see her tutor to find out if there are any problems you are not aware of.

Also tell her that if there turn out to be no problems you will be explaining to her tutor that she will be responsible for being ready for the bus in future and should be suitably reprimanded if she arrives late. If you ever need to take her in the car again make sure she is late.

This plan allows her to have a say in the process and gives her plenty of warning of the next steps. It uses the natural consequences of her behaviour to teach her and leaves her in no doubt that she has to up her game or lose face in school.

fuzzysnout · 06/10/2012 20:52

Could you say to her as she 'can't' get up, that she obviously needs an earlier bedtime and reinforce this. One hour earlier than usual & if she still doesn't get up make bedtime even earlier. Any shouting / screaming results in loss of privileges - tv, computer, friends etc. until she gets the message. Bedtime only back to normal once she gets up on time for a week. Failing that I would go along with the poster who says remove the duvet. School is not optional & I would be bundling her into the car in her PJs if necessary - you'll only need to do it once. The key thing is to keep calm though, no screaming & screeching just quiet determination & she'll get the message.
Only thing I might do if you haven't already is to catch her at a good moment & have a chat about whether there is any problem making her not want to go in and even how she thinks the problem could be solved. Sounds like she just wants to play you, dad &OH off against each other.

Numberlock · 06/10/2012 20:54

I'm all for rewarding good behaviour and working together to solve problems but getting to school on time is pretty basic stuff. She's fortunate you have the time in your day to drive her when she's late.

I certainly didn't which is why I got tough. It was unfair on the rest of the household that one child caused this type of stress and his lateness or laziness impacted on everyone else. I had three kids at three different schools and a job to get to.

Try it. She'll be very shocked the first time, my son certainly was.

Rooble · 06/10/2012 21:02

Second all of what Fuzzysnout said, but particularly : if she can't wake up it seems most likely that she hasn't had enough sleep. As you can't alter the time she needs to get up, the only way she'll get enough sleep is by going to bed earlier.

Numberlock · 06/10/2012 21:02

What is her bedtime routine, OP?

WilfSell · 06/10/2012 21:09

I should add - having been through all of this with my now 13 yo - that we have emphasised that if he is expecting greater privileges as he gets older, then he has to take greater responsibility, including for his own schedule at secondary school. It's a hard transition for them and for us - that we have to give up some of the responsibility for things and let them do it. Also IME my son got better when we did this - he stopped using the conflict as an excuse to draw me in and baby him, which he could then react to and kick off about. The more neutral and withdrawn about it he is, the more he matured about it.

Maybe she is actually telling you she is ready for more responsibility? It hasn't stopped DS kicking off about many other things instead, but that's just adolescents for you. There's a great thread somewhere about teens being like toddlers and needing the attention so they kick off. I suspect it is just beginning early in your daughter.

RandomMess · 06/10/2012 21:10

Stopping telling her what to do, drop her off in her pjs if she's not ready...

Original poster

ItsRainingOutside · 07/10/2012 14:52

Thank you everyone for all the very constructive advice.

I suspect she isn't getting enough sleep. She goes to bed at 9.30 but I often have to go up at 10.30 as she's still wide awake. She's nice a pie when she gets to sleep in late.

I'll make sure everything is ready to go the night before and ensure there are no excuses for not going to bed on time. Her school day is from 07.30 until 18.10 so I hoped the long days coupled with lots of sports would tire her out but she fights it just so she can stay up late.

I've already confiscated access to her phone and iPad in the evenings for a week.

I'm not one for rewarding what I'd consider to be the norm in terms of expected behaviour but believe rewards should be for those things kids do over an above that which is expected. Today, she helped me wash up and put away all the dishes from last night's party and then hung out the washing - all without complaint which makes a nice change. All seems quite relaxed at the minute so let's wait and see what the morning brings ......... !

OP posts:

CuriousMama · 07/10/2012 15:06

Wow that's a long day for her.

Original poster

ItsRainingOutside · 07/10/2012 22:48

It is but she does come home with her homework done and enjoys the social aspects of being able to socialise with her friends in the time between finishing lessons and catching the bus. She has long school holidays to compensate for the long days which seems to work well.

OP posts:

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