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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

DD 11 won't get up for School

40 replies

ItsRainingOutside · 06/10/2012 15:49

And it's causing no end of argument in the mornings. I get up at 6.20, go wake her and expect her to be downstairs by 7.15 ready to leave 10 minutes later. She refuses to eat breakfast so I've given up on that point.

What happens is I ask her to get up about 10 times, each time getting more annoyed. I have to tell her to wash, brush her teeth, put on deoderant, do her hair - everything multiple times and it's been like this since she was 8 years old.

She comes downstairs at a snail's pace 1 minute before we need to leave, frequently with stuff still to do such as pack her bag. If we miss the bus, I have to drive her the 1 hour round trip and don't really see why I should tbh. My DP says I should just leave her in bed and tell the school she is sick and she'll soon see I'm not going to run around after her both of us getting upset because we end up in a screaming row. Going to school is non-negotiable for me and there's no way I'd leave her in bed, which is what she wants.

She now tells me she's always having to pretend at school that she's not upset at the way I shout at her so her friends don't know how horrible I am. I'm at my wits end and really don't know how to deal with her. Her father isn't around and when she spends the summer holidays with him, he just lets her lay in bed until 2/3pm in the afternoon and stay up all night.

Btw, on a weekend, I let her sleep in but today she had to attend the school open day and it was the worst Saturday I've had for a long time!!!

OP posts:
getrealandgetalife · 07/10/2012 22:52

so how about, you getting up a bit earlier for a week. get all your jobs done so you are ready to leave the house.

then wake her as usual and stand over her. till she gets out of bed and follow her to the bathroom, into the bathroom and 'help' her brush her teeth (i'd start with putting the toothpaste on the brush- she'll be horrified!)

then proceed to shadow her all morning until she is ready. help her. treat her like a toddler, because thats how she is behaving. then reduce all her other privelidges to that of a toddler.

she will soon get the message.

Shesparkles · 07/10/2012 22:58

When you say she gets to lie in at the weekend, does she also stay up later at night?
We had a problem with my ds10, and have ended up with him having to have the same bedtime 7 days a week, rather than later with a long lie at the weekend. What was happening was that he'd stay up later on Friday night and a long lie on Saturday, same again Saturday/Sunday, but by Sunday night he wasn't ready to sleep at schooling hit bedtime and it was a great big vicious circle.
These days, unless there's something it if the ordinary, he's in bed at 9 every night

hellsbells99 · 07/10/2012 23:00

My friend had this with her son who was a bit younger - she put him in the car one day still in his pjs and dropped him at the school gate. She didn't have any problems after this!

Flojo1979 · 07/10/2012 23:09

U say she lies in at the wkend. What time does she get up then?

Whistlingwaves · 07/10/2012 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needsomesunshine · 08/10/2012 07:54

My son is like this. We wake him at 6.30 now just so he's ready for 8! As I write he still hasn't had his breakfast. I'm leaving him to it. His dad got so fed up last week he refused to get him up. He missed his lift and was late for school. He was so upset at the threat of a detention. This is the only thing that worked. Don't you find that when they want to do something they get themselves organised pretty sharpish. Let her face the consequences.

outtolunchagain · 08/10/2012 09:04

My son was like this , one of the best things about him being at University now is that I don't have to nag him about getting up or worry about him being late .

We never solved the problem completely but strategies that worked included;

Getting his tutor at school involved , my son was not on the bus , I had to drive him so if we were late he was late so his tutor knew, your problem of course is that she is in time at school so they are not aware

Ordering a taxi and making him pay from his pocket money , very effective age about 13Grin

I am guessing from the description of your Dds day that she is at an independent school, we did say sit down and explain that he could avoid all of this by going to our catchment school and that if things didn't improve we would be seriously exploring that and although it's a very good school that would of course mean leaving his friends.

Removal of privileges ; for example if not out of bed in time , no TV /computer that night ( turn wireless off ) In my experience the punishment needs to be as immediate as possible and over the same day do that each morning is a clean sheet.

Peer pressure , can you get another friends mother to take her to the bus.

Good Luck , it ruins the start to every day I know

Numberlock · 08/10/2012 09:44

Have people really taken their kids to school in pajamas and left them there all day like that?

Original poster
ItsRainingOutside · 08/10/2012 10:08

Well, today has been easier. No access to iPad or phone last night. She was still tired and took a bit to get her up but without all the arguments. Had her pack her bags before going to bed and also made sure she was showered, hair washed before 6pm yesterday to avoid using that as an excuse to stay up a bit later. Here's hoping the rest of the week is the same!

OP posts:
MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea · 08/10/2012 10:14

I know someone who took ds to school in pjs, straight in to headteacher and said her son was refusing to get up in time.
She had his uniform in a bag.....he soon got dressed after head tore a strip off him.
Never did it again..he knew his mum would carry her threat through.

Goldmandra · 08/10/2012 16:11

That's good news ItsRaining.

Maybe some small changes will reap big rewards.

Fingers crossed.

Cobon · 23/10/2012 16:44

Hi I have the same problem with my 9 year old. Everything is done so slowly and I have gone up to yell and found her stark naked sitting on the floor reading a book 5 mins before we need to leave. Does she go to breakfast club? If not, I would not let her go without breakfast - it may be making her more tired. I make mine go to bed early (and by early I mean 7.30) a few times a week and if she's tardy and grumpy I make it more often as staying up later than little bro is a treat. I think mine is slow sometimes to avoid walking but I never give in and take the car because we're late (unless it's not her fault) because it's rewarding bad behaviour. It is a long school day although mine are out from 7.30-6.00 3 days a week. It would be good to have one day of rest (no after school stuff). Her Dad letting her stay up late in the hols is very counterproductive but he must know that so no idea what you do about that. She's far too little to stay up so late. Good luck with it

suzysnowball · 14/01/2013 22:50

I hope things have improved, to me it just sounds as though she's been over tired too long...

Original poster
ItsRainingOutside · 17/01/2013 09:02

Things are much better. Can't remember the last time we had an argument. I've made bed-time non-negotiable and turn off the router half an hour later although I don't think she's noticed. All the homework and bag-packing is done the night before. If she has to go to school without washing or brushing her teeth, I'm resigned to the fact that's her problem, not mine!

OP posts:
specialsubject · 18/01/2013 19:52

I love a happy ending!

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