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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

To get signed off for this? **Content warning: TFMR**

204 replies

Iusedtobedontcall · 13/02/2023 22:05

I found out today that our much wanted baby has Down’s syndrome. I am going to have a termination after considering the impact on our existing children and our ages- 42 and 40. I’m heartbroken and I think I’m going to need quite a while off work to recover emotionally and from the procedure. AIBU? Title edited by MNHQ

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IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 21:27

@Iusedtobedontcall take your time, rest, relax as much as possible and take the next hours and days as they come.

All thoughts are with you FlowersFlowers

countrypunk · 17/02/2023 21:56

Lovely stockings! And the slippers look very cosy.

Have a restful weekend, we'll all be thinking of you FlowersFlowersFlowers

nepolibats · 17/02/2023 23:29

I had to have this procedure about 20 years ago now. No one warned me that I would get cramping about two days later that was so bad I was physically floored. I was writhing around on the kitchen lino in the worst pain. Like period pain x1000. Or as I later learnt, like a full on pregnancy contraction. It didn't last too long but if it does happen to you at least you know

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 18/02/2023 10:24

I have cocodamol so I’ll take that pre-emptively in case that happens to me. I’ve been really weepy today. I got angry with DH earlier because he originally didn’t want the baby and he said he was dreading it. That was before he saw the scan. Then he changed his mind.

So I told him that he’d got what he wanted and he got really upset and angry and said how dare I say that, while clenching his teeth in anger. I know he must be upset too of course and I shouldn’t have said it.

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Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 18/02/2023 10:26

I don’t like it when he loses his temper like that - he’s normally very mild mannered.

Step children are here too and I’m feeling irrationally jealous that he was able to have two healthy dc with someone else. Even though I had three with my ex. I’m having lots of not very nice emotions.

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bluelollipop99 · 18/02/2023 12:06

I'm very sorry @Iusedtobedontcall , this sounds very difficult for you and not what you want or need at all during your recovery.

I'd watch your DP a little bit. It seems very unecessary to bring the stepchildren round the day after surgery, when you should be recovering.

Also, apologies if I've read your posts wrong , but it sounds as if this pregnancy was planned. It seems very off of him to plan a pregnancy with you, then after you become pregnant tell you he's dreading it / doesn't want the baby; especially when you went through the trauma of miscarriage last year 💐

Please take good care of yourself over the next few weeks , and remember you gave every right to a peaceful , healing environment 😊

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 18/02/2023 12:13

It’s court ordered so it’s extremely inflexible. His ex is obstructive. But I did think they could have stayed at MIL’s last night. They didn’t disturb me but I found it distressing them being here. His dad has taken them out today so DH is trying.

Truthfully he didn’t want a baby and was clear but we had an accidental pregnancy that I miscarried and I was so upset that he agreed to try again. Then he had a bit of a freak out when I was actually pregnant and I just can’t get that out of my head.

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Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 18/02/2023 12:14

His view is that the step dc are not optional.

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Augend23 · 18/02/2023 15:14

Ah gosh OP, what a complicated situation. It must add to the emotions already swirling round which combined with the physical healing after the op and any changes to your hormones etc means you must be really going through the ars right now.

I can see having your step kids here must make it even more complicated as well. Will you have some time and space to yourself from the end of tomorrow?

GingleAllTheWay2022 · 18/02/2023 15:33

I have a child and a stepchild and I would say all kids are optional when you have just been in hospital for something so upsetting. If someone else is able to have them then there's nothing wrong with having them sleepover somewhere else, this is an exceptional circumstance.

Don't beat yourself up about any negative thoughts. Your feelings are your feelings and you're dealing with so much - emotional, physical and hormonal. Do what you need to do to get through it, DH needs to help however he can.

Rant on here all you want, it helped/helps me.

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 18/02/2023 15:37

Step kids are here till Sunday night. I don’t see them being at a loving grandma’s for one night as them being optional and I’m picking fights with DH because I’m resentful that he didn’t prioritise me last night. He doesn’t get it.

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Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 18/02/2023 16:52

Feel a bit better. The in laws brought me some beautiful flowers.

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Augend23 · 18/02/2023 17:36

I'm glad you have the flowers. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself til you have the house again? Are your in laws around this evening or did they just pop in?

I can really see why you are frustrated with your DH. It's so hard if you can't get someone to understand why you feel the way you do.

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 18/02/2023 17:39

The in laws just popped in. They took the step dc out for the day. I’m ok with them here today- it was just last night, but maybe I wasn’t clear enough with DH. He doesn’t talk about his feelings but he said he is grieving too. It’s just hard because I’m a talker.

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Augend23 · 18/02/2023 21:37

I know what you mean - I want to talk everything through out loud, especially stressful things, often several times over in multiple ways. It's like the talking helps me to digest it. I'm lucky that I have a couple of friends who are similar and we meet up and go through anything from minor work stress to major life crises.

Given it sounds like your DH doesn't much want to talk, and I can see he must be having a hard time too; do you have anyone you could ask to come over and chat things through with?

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 18/02/2023 21:56

My friend offered to come over and I know she would. I’ll arrange a catch up on the week with her. I’ve booked a nice spa with DH on Friday. I wish we could have kept our little girl. It was a rational, sensible decision. The one I had to make and not the one I wanted to make.

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bluelollipop99 · 20/02/2023 18:05

How are you doing today @Iusedtobedontcall ? 💐

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 20/02/2023 19:22

Not too good today. I’m angry and upset. I suppose it’ll come and go.

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Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 21/02/2023 17:57

FIL turned up with his wife today without calling ahead when the step dc were here, to bring step ds a new football kit and get him to try it on.

While I was in hospital he had the step dc and posted pics on Facebook about what a lovely day they’d had.

The whole thing has just triggered me and I hid in the living room crying. I didn’t want to see anyone unexpectedly and it’s hard enough having the kids here without having the grandparents here as well. I feel like my little girl didn’t matter.

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Pleasecreateausername13 · 21/02/2023 18:07

OP I really really hope you are doing okay and I can imagine you are feeling in the worst place.

I doubt they don’t think your little girl didn’t matter and please please don’t take this as me being nasty as I’m far from it, but maybe just a gentle comment from me is that for other people life still has to go on. I know that’s hard for you and please keep taking the time you need for yourself but just try to remember that life can’t and won’t stop around you.

Wishing you so well xx

bluelollipop99 · 21/02/2023 18:07

oh dear @Iusedtobedontcall , it sounds very upsetting. Are the step DC still at yours and can I ask how old they are ? is it two weeks till you see them again?

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 21/02/2023 18:10

I know life goes on but a phone call to say they were coming would be nice. The step dc are 7 and 10. I’ll see them next week on Tuesday, they are only here for tea today.
I just feel really isolated in my grief.

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Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 21/02/2023 18:13

I am not feeling very rational about things right now I don’t think.

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Augend23 · 22/02/2023 06:16

I don't think grief is a rational beast. I guess all you can do is accept the irrationality for now and recognise it is likely to lessen over time.

AWaferThinMint · 22/02/2023 06:58

You're allowed to be irrational for a good while. None of this is easy.