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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

To get signed off for this? **Content warning: TFMR**

204 replies

Iusedtobedontcall · 13/02/2023 22:05

I found out today that our much wanted baby has Down’s syndrome. I am going to have a termination after considering the impact on our existing children and our ages- 42 and 40. I’m heartbroken and I think I’m going to need quite a while off work to recover emotionally and from the procedure. AIBU? Title edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 14/02/2023 17:58

I’m not sure whether to have the CVS or just go ahead based on NIPT. Unfortunately it will go down as a termination for personal/social reasons if I don’t have the diagnostic tests, even though NIPT is over 99% accurate for Downs.

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HazyDays81 · 14/02/2023 19:02

Personally I desperately wanted to cling onto any tiny amount of hope that the NIPT could be wrong. Like you say though it is extremely accurate for Down’s. I think I knew deep down the amnio would confirm it even if I didn’t want to believe it.

Sending hugs x

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 14/02/2023 21:01

I think I’ll go ahead just based on NIPT. It’s so cruel. I have a bump and am feeling sick.

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Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 14/02/2023 21:01

Just feel a bit lost tonight.

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plumduck · 14/02/2023 21:03

Iusedtobedontcall · 14/02/2023 17:58

I’m not sure whether to have the CVS or just go ahead based on NIPT. Unfortunately it will go down as a termination for personal/social reasons if I don’t have the diagnostic tests, even though NIPT is over 99% accurate for Downs.

Go down where? On your records?

Would you feel better if you have the extra tests?

plumduck · 14/02/2023 21:06

Keep talking to your doctor if you think 4 weeks isn't enough x

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 14/02/2023 21:07

I think on the forms they fill in. But it doesn’t matter. I just want it over. The NIPT isn’t wrong and I just want it done so I can get better.

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plumduck · 14/02/2023 21:08

Totally get that

countrypunk · 14/02/2023 21:21

I hope it's a comfort to know that we're all thinking of you OP, very very much.

Augend23 · 14/02/2023 21:22

Is there anything you think you can do to either keep your brain busy or to give yourself continued space to grieve, depending which you think is better for you right now?

Sometimes I find simple-ish craft things arena good idea if I need something to occupy my hands. Like colouring, or drawing zentangles or doing origami.

The good thing about this site is there's usually someone around so you can always just keep posting on here if you can't sleep etc.

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 14/02/2023 21:22

Thank you. It’s been good just to be able to talk on here. It’s a really isolating experience.

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Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 14/02/2023 21:24

I feel like I do need something to occupy me. Maybe books or puzzles might help. My mind needs something calming. I’ll probably post on here a bit too.

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plumduck · 14/02/2023 21:33

You could try you tube videos of random things?

Augend23 · 14/02/2023 21:34

What sort of puzzles do you normally do OP?

I sometimes return to rereading old favourites at times of turmoil as well. There's something comforting about knowing what the story will be, means you don't have to wonder about the ending.

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 14/02/2023 21:36

Youtube could be good.
I like word searches, crosswords and code breaker type things.

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Robostripes · 14/02/2023 21:49

Sending all good thoughts to you OP. I found it very difficult to concentrate on anything in the run up to and after my TFMR. I spent a lot of time mindlessly scrolling on stupid websites like Buzzfeed and watching endless episodes of Friends that I didn’t need to concentrate on because I’d seen them a thousand times before.

You can get the ball rolling with arranging the TFMR even while you wait for the CVS, if you decide to have it confirmed. I wish I’d known I could have done that - I didn’t and then, because I wanted a surgical procedure, I had to go through BPAS and it did take a while to organise. They have quite long waiting lists but they put me on a cancellation list, I did get an appointment in the end after a week but I had to travel about 50 miles for it - I said I was prepared to go anywhere within reason to get it done quicker. Just to warn you to be prepared for that, if you do want surgical.

Augend23 · 14/02/2023 21:53

BuzzFeed and other "no concentration required" websites definitely sound like a useful way of passing time. I also like wordscape for that sort of thing as it isn't usually too difficult.

If you concluded you'd prefer something more challenging, then (obviously the wrong season really but) the GCHQ Christmas puzzles are very absorbing.

www.gchq.gov.uk/news/xmaschallenge2022

countrypunk · 14/02/2023 22:00

Here are a few things I enjoy doing when I'm anxious or procrastinating:

Sudoku
Quizzes on sporcle.com (the geography ones are especially good)
Jigsaw puzzles
Falling down YouTube rabbit holes: I don't know your interests, but I've really enjoyed some video series on renovating a van and then living in it, and hiking from John O'Groats to Lands End (if you'd like any more topic suggestions, shout!)
Walking in nature and listening to podcasts (I like true crime, mysteries and current affairs stuff)

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 15/02/2023 10:18

Thank you. Midwife called today and she’s managed to get me a hospital appointment today and hopefully surgery on Friday. DH has his dc this weekend so worried about how I’ll feel. They are lovely children but I think I’m going to find it all very painful.

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countrypunk · 15/02/2023 10:57

It's good it's happening quickly but I'm sure it all feels very overwhelming. Could the children swap their weekend given what's happening?

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 15/02/2023 11:11

DH has court ordered contact because his ex is very high conflict and she won’t swap weekends.

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plumduck · 15/02/2023 11:14

I totally get the stepkid thing being an extra layer of feelings xx

Take care

bluelollipop99 · 15/02/2023 11:16

@Iusedtobedontcall in the circumstances, would he be able to say you are unwell , and take his children out for the day instead ? Or potentially a day visiting their paternal grandparents/ aunts/ uncles etc .

I hope your hospital appointment goes as well as possible.

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 15/02/2023 11:30

I think MIL might be able to have them overnight as I’m not sure I’m going to want to be alone either. My dc are here but they are teens so they are in their rooms most of the time.

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bluelollipop99 · 15/02/2023 11:31

Sounds like a good plan for them to go to MIL