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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

To get signed off for this? **Content warning: TFMR**

204 replies

Iusedtobedontcall · 13/02/2023 22:05

I found out today that our much wanted baby has Down’s syndrome. I am going to have a termination after considering the impact on our existing children and our ages- 42 and 40. I’m heartbroken and I think I’m going to need quite a while off work to recover emotionally and from the procedure. AIBU? Title edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
LaviniasBigBloomers · 13/02/2023 22:22

I absolutely would get signed off and I absolutely would not tell a Catholic school that's why you terminated. Keep your counsel. I'm so sorry OP.

mynameiscalypso · 13/02/2023 22:24

Not unreasonable at all. A dear friend was in a similar situation and ended up off work for a couple of months in the end. It's heartbreaking. Much love to you.

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 13/02/2023 22:24

Thank you. I don’t think I’ll sleep much tonight. We had a MMC last summer and this was our rainbow baby.

OP posts:
LaviniasBigBloomers · 13/02/2023 22:27

Oh honey, that's so hard. I wish you a peaceful night, maybe a wee hot milk with honey in it to send you off. Flowers one step at a time.

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 13/02/2023 22:27

The ad appearing in the middle of this thread is upsetting- living with Down’s syndrome - if anyone else saw it.

OP posts:
PennyFarthings · 13/02/2023 22:31

Take care of yourself OP and of course you need time off to heal physically and emotionally. FWIW I would make the same decision.

Hiyawotcha · 13/02/2023 22:32

I saw it too and was really cross. Wrong advert - horrible pop up.
All the best OP. 💐

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 13/02/2023 22:34

I feel like I will need at least a month - just worried about my Year 11s, but it’s so full on and I’m not going to be in any fit state physically or mentally.

OP posts:
disconnecteddrifter · 13/02/2023 22:35

I was in exactly this situation at your age but they couldn't work the testing so had to go for an amnio. I had under two weeks off, then had retained placenta so had another day off. I was worried about my classes so just muddled on. In hindsight I wished I'd had more time off. This was nearly three years ago and I'm still struggling with life because I never had time to grieve. I urge you to take the time. And I'm so sorry.

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 13/02/2023 22:40

@disconnecteddrifter i think I found your thread when I was searching for threads on this today after getting the news. I’m so sorry you had to go through this too. I guess at least my NIPT came through quickly and there was no ambiguity there, that must’ve been so stressful for you.

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 13/02/2023 22:44

This is so sad. A very hard decision to make but for very understandable reasons. The school only need to know that you are grieving for your lost baby.

As for the advert above, that's what happens when adverts are served up by linking with the subject matter. It's all about the money.

LakeTiticaca · 13/02/2023 22:45

You are not being unreasonable and nobody has any right to judge your decision x

ScullysMate · 13/02/2023 22:46

Yeah the advert is so inappropriate.

Im so sorry OP it must be an awful decision to make.

twoandcooplease · 13/02/2023 23:13

Heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. Please take the time you need x

Robostripes · 13/02/2023 23:15

Hi OP, I had a TFMR for the same reason in 2019. I had a few days off for the CVS procedure and while I waited for the results, as I couldn’t concentrate. I then worked from home for a week while the TFMR was arranged (unfortunately it took a while) and then had 2 weeks off for recovery. Physically I would’ve only needed a day or two but mentally I wasn’t ready to go back to work straight away. Any longer though and I’d have just been moping around so 2 weeks was right for me. Absolutely get signed off for however long you need. It’s a truly horrible time, probably the worst time if my life. Please do take care of yourself.

SylvanianFrenemies · 13/02/2023 23:23

I'm so sorry.
I had several weeks off work after a TFMR for Downs. My GP put "pregnancy loss" on my line, which gave me flexibility to tell or not tell.
Put yourself first.

CC4712 · 13/02/2023 23:27

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP Flowers

I had a TMFR at 12 weeks when the NIPT showed trisomy 13. I have asked on MN for years to have a dedicated section for TMFR- as I feel its completely unreasonable to have to resort to AIBU or general termination chats.

How far along are you OP? Were your colleagues/students aware of the pregnancy? Either way, ARC are a valuable resource for advice and support. Not unreasonable to take time off work at all! We all grieve in different ways and there is no right or wrong. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask, or use private chat if you prefer.

Please know that this isn't your fault xxx

LawksaMercyMissus · 13/02/2023 23:27

I had six weeks off in similar circumstances. I was 20 weeks and hadn't realised that because I had to give birth I would also have milk etc. No way could I have gone back sooner, mentally or physically.

Do what's best for you Flowers

HeyMona · 13/02/2023 23:39

So sorry OP and DH, it's devastating news.

I would say take the time you need, your year 11s will get through the exams but your existing children need you to look after yourself first and foremost.

I personally would not give any of the details of TFMR to your Catholic school. You don't want any added stress to this situation.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 13/02/2023 23:41

Oh I am so sorry OP. What a horrible shock.

CherLloydbyCherLloyd · 13/02/2023 23:45

Iusedtobedontcall · 13/02/2023 22:11

My school is Catholic which is a worry. I wasn’t planning on being completely open about the termination- but saying it was for health reasons.

You could tell them you have lost a pregnancy. How far along are you (asking because your entitlement differs depending on gestation)

Pearsandclocks · 13/02/2023 23:51

You will need time so definitely take a few weeks. My sister made the same decision. It was hard on the her and her partner. I hope you have supportive people around you.

Spiderboy · 13/02/2023 23:51

Take all the time you need. Work don’t need to know anyway. Self certify for a week and the gp can sign you off after that. After a discussion most gps will be flexible on the exact wording on the sick note.

So sorry OP

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 13/02/2023 23:52

So sorry this is happening to you.
You should absolutely take all the time you need and you don't need to explain anything to anyone. Sending lots of love x

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 14/02/2023 05:13

I haven’t slept well.

OP posts: