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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

day35 since last period and pregnant, need to not be

34 replies

TimidLividyetagain · 11/01/2016 21:15

I am going to local family planning clinic tomorrow to ask about termination. Will I have to wait a long time .to get the pills procedure

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OddSocksHighHeels · 12/01/2016 13:32

It depends on your area. Have you researched the two methods (surgical/medical)? Depending on how far into the pregnancy you are.

I had a termination 5 days after visiting the FPC so it went really smoothly and easily for me.

Good luck today Flowers

Original poster
TimidLividyetagain · 12/01/2016 20:36

They will do a scan appointment and probably medical . I do have slight misgivings but know its not a good idea to have it. Might be next week they said for it so isn't as bad as I thought and the Dr was nice to me

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Original poster
TimidLividyetagain · 13/01/2016 22:16

The scan and consultation be next Thursday at, six weeks and three days. Worry that if it takes much longer after that I'll find it too hard to do it

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TimidLividyetagain · 18/01/2016 06:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crumbles12 · 18/01/2016 14:23

I think you should take everyone else out of the equation and decide whether YOU want this baby. Don't terminate just because your ex will reconcile with you if you do, you must have separated for a reason and it may not work out if you try again (sorry to be negative) and if you have made the decision only for him you will deeply regret it.

NameChange30 · 18/01/2016 14:27

"he isn't angry he just can't raise another man's baby and lie to his parents he says. So I have to get this done."

Do YOU want an abortion? Do you feel that your ex-partner is pressuring you to get one?

An abortion may well be the right choice for you, but make sure it's YOUR choice and not something you're being forced into.

Original poster
TimidLividyetagain · 18/01/2016 14:28

Thank you for your reply crumbles. That is true and today am coping a bit better with the kids and current situation

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Original poster
TimidLividyetagain · 18/01/2016 14:39

Emma yes there is an element of get rid of ur potential child u just have to so we can be a family again.

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NameChange30 · 18/01/2016 14:45

I would be very wary of that, OP. Think very carefully about why you separated in the first place, and whether those issues have been properly resolved. Have you two had any couple's counselling? Has he promised to change? Because you don't know for certainly that he will change. What if you get an abortion and he doesn't keep his promises? How will you feel then?

IMO if he really loved and respected you, and wanted to support you, he would be allowing you to make your own decision, and not pressuring you either way.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 18/01/2016 14:47

Agree with the above posters. If you want this baby don't terminate it just for him. You will end up resenting him.

Crumbles12 · 18/01/2016 14:57

Glad you are feeling a bit better OP. You need to think 'selfishly' as horrible as that sounds, do you want the baby?

You could terminate the baby now and 6 months down the line for one reason or another you separate again and you may wonder if you'd have coped etc. Does your ex realise you are unsure or does he think you feel the same?

Original poster
TimidLividyetagain · 18/01/2016 16:05

he knows im distressed as its not his so stops all our possible living back together. i was not sure or id have gone back already, but he is the only person who will love our sn child properly and take them to school do shopping as i tend to get very bad morning sickness and spd but hasnt started yet. he just wants us all back and this baby would be make things difficult. he knows i am unsure if i will be able to take the pill, and wonder if this child might be a nice child. he just wants it all sorted will support me through the process take care of me at his house etc, but i am conflicted as its a potential child, i guess i want the care and security and help and family, and he wants that too and now i have made a mistake i need to be strong and fix, or not have that. i could move closer to him for his kids sake if i go ahead with this but not sure, hes not thinking how to make it work just to reset it not having happened. ill know when i am scanned i wont do it if i cant, iwas initially distressed last week when i found out and wanted it gone, but having every day pass is horrible

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bodenbiscuit · 18/01/2016 16:08

If you terminate the pregnancy only for him you could end up resenting him for it. And what if the relationship doesn't work out this time either?

I agree with others that it should be about how you yourself feel about having this baby or not.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 18/01/2016 16:08

But do you love your ex? Because aborting this baby and getting back together with him for your existing kids won't work if you don't.

I'm very pro- choice and if you want an abortion because you want one I would cheer you on and be behind you. But it doesn't sound like you do.

Original poster
TimidLividyetagain · 18/01/2016 16:21

i do love him but again its can i despite being pro choice end this potential child, having no father for it felt impossible last week yet somehow isnt seeming so bad this week, its the other kids i feel bad for , i think it could work out this time, but again, if im sad and tearful it could be yet another form of hell for me personally while everyone else is happy. maybe i could live closer so her doesnt have to pretend its his and still sees the kids more and can take them to school if he chooses, im gonna report one of my mesages i worry hell search this

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NameChange30 · 18/01/2016 16:43

In your mind are the only options:

  1. You getting an abortion
  2. You and ex getting back together and pretending that the baby is his?
Because there ARE other options. For example, if you keep the baby and both want to get back together, you could be honest about the fact that he's not the father. He could still be a co-parent (technically stepparent but he might want to adopt?) If I was a friend or relative I would respect and admire him for doing this.

You also mention the mistake you made. Yes it was a mistake but don't beat yourself up over it, and don't let him hold it against you either. You were separated at the time. I don't know whether you used contraception and it failed or whether you had unprotected sex, but either way I'm not going to judge you. People make mistakes.

Why are you worried he's going to find this thread? Does he know you use MN? Does he have access to your emails or online accounts?

Original poster
TimidLividyetagain · 18/01/2016 17:05

no its that when we lived together hed find my posts and not be too positive about mn and so i worry hed think to look and see that i put personal things, and get annoyed that im dithering when its clear what i need to do to a logical person. i think if i cant do it ill move close to him nearby in same immediate area so he can be with his kids easier and as much as he wants if he wants, and becuase my area is isolated, i do hope i can teminate not feel bad and be a family again, but is not a given that ill be able to , i just need to wait till thursday for the scan and assessment thing see how i feel

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Original poster
TimidLividyetagain · 18/01/2016 17:08

i deleted the post that might upset him so im okay with the thread being up is very helpful everyone who has replied to me

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dilbert19912 · 18/01/2016 17:18

I am trying to be sensitive here;

This sounds as much about the state of your relationship as the pregnancy.

He sounds a joy.

There is a third option like a pp said - just be honest about the situation.

Hes basically Emotionally blackmailing you to have a termination hanging on the thread that you can be a happy family.....
He should be supporting what YOU want.

Original poster
TimidLividyetagain · 18/01/2016 17:37

i know but who wants a baby that isnt theirs, no one i guess. but yes its very possible that this isnt going to work out, right now it doesnt seem to matter who the father is as no one else has to live with it but me. im trying to be all was never meant to be is a mistake. but at same time there is the meant to be is actually here aspect of it. i was thinking to take ibuprofen a few days ago i know i sound unhinged put icould not even do that as doubles chance of miscarriage , so u know im not sure i can that is why im worrying

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Crumbles12 · 18/01/2016 20:00

Theres no doubt that it would be very hard to accept someone else's child, but I do believe that it could happen once he is over the shock of it. I have a close friend who's sister was conceived by another man during a brief breakup from the other DC's father, they got back together then she found out she was expecting and that it couldn't be my friend's fathers baby, he accepted the baby as his own and treats them the same as his other DC now although they split about 5 years ago when the DC was 18.

You need to decide based only on your opinion and you sound like you do want this baby. Perhaps moving closer and allowing him to spend more time with his DC then if you continue with the pregnancy just see how things develop.

NameChange30 · 18/01/2016 20:12

"who wants a baby that isnt theirs, no one i guess."

Plenty of people actually: step-parents and people who adopt. I realise this is a slightly unusual situation and he would no doubt prefer the baby to be his, but as Crumbles pointed out, men can and do accept the child in situations like this.

I get the impression that you're assuming all men are like your ex. Far from it.

nephrofox · 18/01/2016 20:17

I think the point you're missing here is that of he loves YOU he would want what is best for YOU and YOUR unborn child. Just because it's not his doesn't mean it's not yours.

LeaLeander · 18/01/2016 20:17

I cannot believe anyone would be exhorting the OP to bring a human being into such a messy dysfunctional situation.

OP good luck and I hope you get the medical advice you need. Flowers

NameChange30 · 18/01/2016 20:26

Lea No-one is "exhorting" the OP to keep the baby, how ridiculous. We are advising her to make her own decision and not be bullied into something she doesn't want by her ex or anyone else, including us.

OP, I had my suspicions that your ex might be emotionally abusive, so I looked up your previous posts (hope you don't mind) which confirmed my suspicions. With that in mind, I strongly advise you NOT to get back together with him. Do you have any real life support, from family or friends? Have you had any counselling since the split? Did you ever talk to Women's Aid or consider doing the Freedom Programme? Did you get any legal advice or take any steps towards getting a divorce?

Please, please bear in mind his emotional abuse when you make your decision about your pregnancy. Don't discuss it with him. Talk to a counsellor who will be able to give you impartial, professional support to make your decision. You can ask your GP about abortion counselling, or contact a clinic such as BPAS or Marie Stopes, they both offer specialist counselling to support women in their choice.