Witty retorts required to Have You Had The Baby?

[MumofChuckie]

I'm 5 days overdue, and midwife has just confirmed she is 2/5 engaged but still high up. I'm going to assume this means I'm never going to give birth and I'll be pregnant forever. Or they'll realise it's just trapped wind.

But the daily texts, calls and emails are coming in thick and fast - has baby arrived? Any signs? Does it look like the baby will be here soon? I don't know, let me ask it.

Suggestions please. They can be as Pass Ag and sarcastic as you can make them. I'm too uncomfortable and miserable to be a nice person.

Don't answer!
Or a message to everyone saying you are resting on MWs orders and will let everyone know when their is news.
Or say you are massive and fed up and hormonal and feeling a but stabby. So best stay the fuck away and leave you in peace!

Oh christ, I feel your pain! I am now overdue too and I get irrationally angry every time I hear my phone, I just want to scream at everyone to fuck off!!!!!

Had this with the last two as well, weeks of it Didn't tell anyone when I went in for my induction with DD2 as I made that twatty mistake the first time- endless texts and calls whilst in hospital- don't make this mistake! Just tell everyone after the baby is here.

No practical advice on what to say though sorry; I'm mainly ignoring everyone so I don't lose my shit.

Hope you (and me!) go into labour soon!

"Oh I knew I left something in Sainsbury's" was my favourite reply. Preferably followed by a dazed look and then wander off.

Yes, three days ago. Didn't dh tell you?

Yes, I made £300 selling it on eBay. Result!

What baby? I'm not pregnant.

Absolutely we had the baby and decided not to tell a soul.

I might have done. I was so off my face on Jagerbombs last night anything could have happened.

Ok, - but different, but related....

Picking DS1 up from nursery on the Tuesday, after I'd had DS2 the previous Friday. Apparently no one has told the nursery manager yet.

'Still nothing then?'

Me, looking down at my back-in-my-old-but-admittedly-size-16 jeans

'Er, yes, on Friday'

Her face was a picture. I recommend it...

'Oh my god I think I feel the head!'

'God is it this week it's due? I better check the calendar!'

'Yes but shhh! We're seeing how long we can keep this baby a secret for.'

'Well it all started yesterday when the doctor said they might want baby out early. We might try induction in the next week but then the head is already engaged so it's maybe not necessary and we've discussed not trying anything but then we don't know how long we'all wait and and and......[really long rambling text that will put them off ever asking again]'

Ah yes these questions drove me mad last time. I used to get a lot of weird pressure to be induced too

'when will they induce you?'

'Why haven't they induced you yet? There's no point waiting' -- erm yes there is. Baby isn't ready yet and there's no medical need for induction and why is this any of your business anyway?

I don't tell people the due date for this reason. My mum had added a fortnight on to hers which was a good idea as we were all late babies.

Maybe reply "do you have any idea how dangerous it is to hassle a pregnant woman? ;-)"

I think just "I don't know" would suffice.

This is my fave response I have seen

www.haveyouhadthatbabyyet.com

I think you've got the answer right there in your OP - "No, turns out it was just trapped wind!"

(No help but I went ten days over with DD1 and also slightly started to believe this. DD popped out when she was ready without induction or any fuss. Good luck!)

I was the idiot woman the other day who said it to someone who HAD just had her baby. She walked in pushing a pram and my stupid mouth opened. It just slipped out and straight away I realised!

Realise your a bit grumpy and rightfully so, but people are just interested and caring. Look on the news this morning, footage of heavily pregnant woman walking through bombed Aleppo...your frustrations are small. Sorry but even us grumpy pregnant should be given some perspective.

OP, I could have written your post!! I am 5 days over too, and neither DH or I can phone either set of parents about anything without them inhaling deeply and saying: "soooo....?"

Like I'd say "oh yes I had him last week, didn't think to mention it."

Loving some of the responses here ESP the "left something in Sainsbury's" one.

How about 'no, not yet. Baby is taking their time'.

No need to be a smart ass. People just know something huge is happening in your life and are asking if it's happened yet. A lazy question I agree but you will still look like a jerk if you answer with something 'witty'.

You could also be honest and say 'please don't ask, it's all I hear all day long and is stressing me out'.

Penguin you beat me to it! I've just sent this round to my colleagues at work.

Hope everyone here who's waiting meets their babies very soon!!

i have gone 2 weeks over with all mine,my responses varied from 'no, we think this ones a bit thick / slow, such a disappointment already'

to 'yes, we just couldn't be arsed telling anyone'

and

'oh fuck off- of course not, you'd know if we had'

good luck to y'all waiting it out.

"It'll come when it's ready"
"I'll just have to be patient (and so will you")
"Due dates are just a guesstimate"
"I'm sure it'll be sometime in the next week or two"

Send them this link!

'Not that I've noticed so far'

I'm 10 days over at the moment. I'm actually not bothered with people asking. I have been putting (unrelated) Facebook posts up every so often so people know I haven't had it yet and it seems to have ended stopped people asking or messaging me.

I, however, am going crazy with frustration!

"No but my cervix is soft and ripening, I'll keep you updated"

"No, I've changed my mind"