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Original poster

Hurt by Sils baby shower

34 replies

laurabez · 25/03/2014 11:31

My Sil is having her baby shower on the same day as my daughters 3rd birthday party. My Mil is chosing to go to the shower rather than her only grandchilds party and I am hurt. My own mother died when I was a teenager so my daughter only has one grandmother. My Mil is not able to be there on my daughters actual birthday 3 days before as she is away working. My Husband and I have asked if the shower can be moved as my Sil will still have 1 month before she is due to have one but this has not been done, and nothing has been mentioned since (there is a general feeling of things being swept under the carpet despite neither my husband or myself being happy). I admit I'm not a fan of the baby shower concept as I feel its a grabby American tradition we can do without and did not/would not have one myself. Am I wrong to feel that my Mil and Sil are putting an un british concept of celebrating an unborn baby's arrival before the birthday of a 3 year old? I too am expecting another baby but am only in 2nd trimester, however I would never put any unborn baby celebrations before any of my nieces, nephew or friends childrens birthdays. How can I resolve this without it turning into a family conflict, or should I just not care?

OP posts:

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Casmama · 25/03/2014 11:35

I think you have asked for it to be changed and the request has been ignored so short of chaffing the day of your dd's party (which I would absolutely not do) then there is not much you can do.

Casmama · 25/03/2014 11:35

Changing not chaffing

MrsDavidBowie · 25/03/2014 11:36

I think you are being very precious.

TwelveLeggedWalk · 25/03/2014 11:40

Let it goooooooooo.

Your SIL presumably has lots of other friends and family invited, so she has planned it around them, not around her 3yo neice. YANBU asking them to mvoe it.

Your MIL presumably loves your DD and is a good GP in most other respects, but this is her daughter having her first child, so a bit of over excitement is allowable. I am sorry if the loss of your mother makes this more upsetting for you

Your DD won't care if her birthday celebrations are spread over three days. Do whatever you were going to do on her actual birthday and birthday party days, and if it suits do a little tea with Granny another day nearby.

MrsM2013 · 25/03/2014 11:42

I'll bet your MIL feels a bit stuck in the middle- she can't do right whatever she does. Your SILs unborn baby is no less precious to her than your three year old is.
Can you arrange a mini family party for your little one so MIL and SIL can make a fuss, since it isn't her actual birthday anyway.

pussycatdoll · 25/03/2014 11:51

Did you invite SIL to your dds party before she set her date ?

Which came first party or shower ?

pussycatdoll · 25/03/2014 11:52

I mean who set the date of which party first ?

Bornin1984 · 25/03/2014 11:55

Was it your family who set the date or
Sil friends? Normally is it not
Friends who arrange these events? If thTs the case then they weren't to know its your dds birthday?

Spend the day with your daughter
And husband!

Doubtfuldaphne · 25/03/2014 11:55

I think your SIL should change the date! How rude of her! I am shocked that anyone would think you were being precious. baby showers are a horrible tacky grabby tradition that are completely unnecessary. Your dd should have her entire family there for her party. If you've already asked your SIL to change her party date then theres nothing you can do except see her who she really is..

GimmeDaBoobehz · 25/03/2014 11:55

I think pusses question is important.

squizita · 25/03/2014 12:59

My own mother died when I was a teenager so my daughter only has one grandmother

But your SIL only has one mum - and your daughter will have many birthdays but this babyshower is a one day ever thing. Many children live nowhere near grandparents (or don't have any) so don't see them every birthday either - TBH so long as your daughter gets to see her gran around her birthday and gets a hug and a present she'll be OK.

But if MIL went to the birthday, your SIL would be as (or even more) upset than you IMO. Imagine reading 'AIBU my own mum wants to go to my niece's birthday party not my 1st baby babyshower' that would sound really quite harsh!
I can see why your MIL made that choice.

squizita · 25/03/2014 13:06

If you've already asked your SIL to change her party date then theres nothing you can do except see her who she really is.

Someone who (a) will have had a party ARRANGED FOR HER so can't change it? or someone who (b) wasn't aware that having a first child is totally selfish if it interferes with one of her brother's DC's birthdays?

TBH I really dislike baby showers and will ask not to have one but the knee-jerk facebook-comfort mentality of 'anyone who upsets you babe is selfish' (we've all seen them and I think they do have an impact on making people confuse upset with victimhood) is something that I dislike more. Take a step back: which is the bigger event? Which should a mum be there for her daughter ? Think about the reversal: mum drops once-a-lifetime event/forces daughter to change it to avoid upset to son's wife ... we'd all be complaining son was spoilt/favouritism.

Ohbyethen · 25/03/2014 13:34

I think you should let it go because you do sound spoilt and precious. Things being swept under the carpet even though you and DH are not happy is actually a perfect opportunity for you to stfu and not make an unpleasant spectacle of yourself.
Your toddler is 3, seriously this party is still mostly for you. When old enough to be looking at photos of the event, which is the only way it will be vaguely remembered, your child will not give a single fuck that grandma wasn't there on the arbitrary party day (not even the actual birthday).
You realise you don't have the golden grandchild any more don't you? That SIL child will be as important and so will your second born.

If you think family is so important I'm surprised you want to create such potentially long lasting bad feeling over something as inconsequential as a child's party. I'm with your MIL. Your sil is having her first child, she gets to celebrate that how she chooses with the involvement of her family and specifically her mother/MIL- just as you got to with MIL and your first.

givemeaclue · 25/03/2014 13:41

Dd will not care that mil is not at her party. Don't even mention it to her. The party is fir little children, do something nice with mil another day.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/03/2014 13:43

Your dd will have a lovely party, even if her grandmother isn't there - but your SIL would really miss her mum at her own baby shower!

Invite your MIL and your SIL over another day, for a little extra birthday celebration.

Clashes like this will happen, and if you can resolve them without causing lots of hurt and ill-feeling, it is so much better in the long run.

Bornin1984 · 25/03/2014 13:47

Op- why do u think your dd takes preference to your mil own dd

bassingtonffrench · 25/03/2014 13:49

unlike others I think I'm with you on this one, especially if you had the date in the diary first.

essentially your SIL has a whole month to pick from but because your DD is already here, the window of when your party can happen is much smaller.

I think your SIL is being inconsiderate but I would just let it lie.

Bornin1984 · 25/03/2014 13:50

I reckon sil didn't actually have control over the date as friends would have arranged it! Not the sils fault

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/03/2014 13:51

The person organising the shower will have had to fit it in with lots of other people's dates, and may well not even have known about the birthday party date.

Kellyjdancer · 25/03/2014 13:58

If you want your MIL and SIL at your daughter's party, can you change the date of your daughter's party? Maybe have it the weekend before the actual birthday?

That would give you the opportunity to attend the baby shower as well, which would probably mean a lot to your MIL and SIL.

eepie · 25/03/2014 14:46

I think your SIL should change her baby shower date... She'll be missing her niece's birthday party...her SIL would be missing her baby shower...her mother will be missing her grandaughter's birthday party....and she has a whole month to choose from. I'd feel the same as you OP - left out and put out. You're not being precious - whoever organised the baby shower has not been very considerate of the rest of the family - clashing with your niece's bday party is a pretty important clash which should have been avoided in the planning. IF you had the date in the diary first, she/whoever was organising should have taken this clash into account, or should change it now.

Another option though if too late to change ......Do one in the morning and one in the afternoon so that all family can be at both !! ?

Evie2014 · 25/03/2014 15:14

I'm sorry OP but I really think you're over-reacting. It's a three year old's birthday party. Your dd will not even notice whether Granny is there or not (unless YOU make a big deal of it to her). She certainly won't remember it afterwards.

On the other hand your SIL's baby shower is a big deal to her and to her mother, and won't happen again (unlike birthdays). I don't like the idea of baby showers (not having one myself) but I can see how some people would like a celebration in anticipation of a much-wanted baby.

Leave it alone. Forget about it. There are more important things in life to get riled up about!

Evie2014 · 25/03/2014 15:18

Just had a thought- is your reaction due to deeper feelings? Are you worried, for example, that you've had the PFB grandchild for three years now and that her favoured place will be usurped by SIL's baby? Honestly, those would be understandable feelings. Maybe have a good think about why you're reacting badly to this event (which might be an example of the worry I've outlined) and ask yourself if you have deeper issues, then address them maybe by talking to DH.

Hope this comes across okay- don't want to offend, just trying to understand.

Ohbyethen · 25/03/2014 15:24

People would really be so self centered as to piss on the chips of a first time mother for the sake of a toddler party?
There will be cake, snot, balloons, over tired and over stimulated children and a party doesn't involve any kind of quality family time. Not for the birthday child anyway, who will be trying to split time between the presents, games and food.
Firstly what kind of toddler party takes the whole day? Secondly what 3 year old is unhappy with the prospect of another day of special outing or presents or visits?
' Oh no mama I cannot possibly enjoy felicitations or celebratory cake on any other but the designated day' said no child ever.
You aren't having the party on the day in any case so it's not sacrosanct.

I hope SIL and MIL have a lovely time and enjoy the thought from people that love her and want to share in her excitement and spoil her a bit. I don't particularly like baby showers but they do, so why would you intentionally make a show of trying to spoil it and make things awkward because you aren't happy? So petty. Seriously she'll have her first baby & first baby shower once ever, birthdays and parties come round frequently and missing one, at 3, is barely remarkable.

Ohbyethen · 25/03/2014 15:27

Sorry that was more to eepie than op.

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