Not letting a baby cry yet getting stuff done... how?

[Treehouse413]

My 8 week old baby likes being held and won’t sit in a chair or play mat for long at all. My husband doesn’t like her to be left to cry yet I don’t see how i can get anything done unless i leave her to cry now & again. On a weekend he will have her for an hour in a morning so i can get stuff done but in the week he works long hours and this isn’t an option. I am not a fan of having her in a sling all the time so how do other people get a shower etc if they are on their own? Also, when out and about what do you do if your baby starts to cry. She is breastfed so as soon as she cries i am frantically looking for somewhere to feed her but sometimes this takes 5 mins or more. I am v stressed out...

I showered when my baby was napping.
My housework standards took a nosedive and have yet to recover

My DH did pick up a lot of the slack and we parented as equally as possible at weekends (still do ).

Thanks... But we still all need to eat lunch, wash clothes etc :( she won’t sleep in the day unless she’s asleep on us.... nightmare

It's a horrible period and I do feel for you. One thing that strikes me is how easy it is for your out-of-the-house husband to say what he wants and doesn't want when he's not the one at home trying to stay sane - one hour of week of respite for you absolutely isn't enough. You need more support than that - no wonder you're stressed.

And if the baby has a bit of a cry once in a while it will not cause any lasting damage. In the old days they used to say it was "good exercise for the lungs" - absolute rubbish, but equally there wasn't ever a whole generation of traumatised children because they had been left to cry for a bit.

But you have to lower your standards re "getting things done" - a lot of things will just have to slide for now. It won't be forever.

Re slings - you'll find lots of good advice here if you have a search, if it's the case that you're not getting on with one particular type. There may be others which suit you better.

Lunch - DH made me a sandwich and left it in the fridge.
Laundry - we put a wash on overnight and I would hang it out when baby was sleeping or on playmat/in cot. Sometimes took a few goes.

I had somewhere safe to put him down in each room and let him cry for as short a time as possible. My dh is the same about him crying but shit happens.

5 minutes whilst you shower etc is fine. You need to toilet, eat and do a little housework to keep things ticking over and she will adjust to waiting for a short time.

You need to leave her to cry occasionally for a few minutes. It honestly won't harm her. As long as she has all her needs met (fed, clean, burped, warm enough etc) then she is fine to be left to cry for a few minutes whilst you shove in a sandwich or have a 2 minute shower. Yes it's not ideal but you can't be attached to your baby 24/7, life doesn't work like that.

If your DH doesn't want her being left to cry he needs to step up for more than an hour a day at the weekends, otherwise he doesn't get much of a say in how you get through your day. You are not super woman and something has to give.

*I say this as someone who refused to let DD cry for fews on end and ended up having a bit of a breakdown. Once I realised the world didn't implode and there was no consequences to leaving her for a few minutes.

Exact same position as you, OP except DS is 4 weeks and I'm struggling!

I remember this stage well but I promise it does pass. I used to shower when she was asleep and do everything else one handed or very quickly.
My DH used to say to let her cry while I made lunch etc as I knew she was ok but I really struggled. My standards around the house had to slip for a bit although the hoover actually settled her which helped.
I found a swing chair really settled her compared to a bouncer.

I've got a 4 week old and same problem. So far the only two things that have worked for us has been having her in a baby carrier which she likes and falls asleep in. When that's not possible (shower etc) I lay her somewhere safe and just let her cry. It's not ideal but sometimes we have no other choice. If it's stressing me out I turn the radio a bit louder til I'm done.

Outside is a bit trickier. Wear headphones with calming music to give yourself time to find somewhere without getting too stressed out?

Thanks for the advice... maybe the odd cry will be ok now and again :) i probably am also trying to cling on to how life was before and everything get done around the house efficiently etc

She is still very little and this will get better and easier as she grows. She will become better at entertaining herself and being put down.
You have to decide on a balance that suits you. Some people will tell you that you just have to suck it up for a while and some household task have to take a backseat and this will be true to an extent.
You say your husband is only having her for an hour at the weekend?? What's he doing with the rest of his weekends?? What time are you getting to yourself?
With such a small baby BOTH parents need to be pitching as much as possible. He may be out at work but you currently have a 24hr 7 days a week job looking after your baby.

I can tell you now that leaving her to cry for 5 minutes whilst you have a shower is more stressful for you than her. As long as she is safe I think you just have to get on with it a bit. She is also not going to come to any harm whilst having to wait 5 mins for some food.

Organise ur home in a minimalistic way I found this to reallt help . As I only got 10-15 min intervals when baby is distracted to do stuff at a time. I tried to nap when he napped.. I used the time he slept at night , the first half an hour , to finish up tasks I couldn’t finish in the day.

As far as cooking is concerned, I meal prepped and froze food on weekends/days when he deciddd to sleep in long stretches.. that way cooking didn’t take longer than 15 min/30 min max.. I chop onions and freeze, peak garlic and freeze, cool minded meat and freeze, marinate chicken and freeze... so that everything is already half done before I need to start.

As far as laundry is concerned, I created a very simple system of baskets... for baby clothes, I don’t need to fold anything, I just chuck them in different baskets/drawers which are small and fit one category of clothes at a time. My clothes and kept it to minimal..

It gets better when baby is 3 months, one more month to go. He will start being a bit more distracted and less crying. Tell ur husband - I said the same- that first 3 months the two of you should have low expectations around chores as u still getting ur head around baby. I find men who work outside don’t appreciate how draining it is vested drom the outside it sounds simple

When out it’s hard, yes you just have to find somewhere to feed as quick as possible (easier in the summer as you can just sit down outside).

There are lots of slings you can feed in which makes it easier when out and about. It really does take the stress away as you can just feed when she needs it and carry on with what you’re doing instead of having to stress finding somewhere to sit and feed with a screaming baby!

Eating lunch, etc, either take it in turns with DH to hold baby and eat or just eat while holiding her. This phase doesn’t last forever.

Shower - just try and time it for when she’s most settled then you might just have to have her crying for a little bit. Bouncer/mat in the bathroom so she can see you.

Your DH should really be picking up the slack in the evening/weekends, so getting all the washing done/cooking ahead, etc then you are free to let DD sleep on you all day! That’s how lots of people get through this stage.

Oh god I'm the same. Baby is 4 weeks and I'm bf. He won't let me put him down, even when sleeping. He also doesn't sleep for longer than an hour at a time (except at night but only when cosleeping - won't go in his cot). I'm lucky that DH works from home so can hold him for 10 mins here and there (and can do all the cooking and most of the housework) but don't know how I'd cope otherwise. Nothing helpful to add other than I'm hoping this is a phase that will pass and I feel your pain OP!

If you have another child you'll have to get used to hearing one or both cry sometimes when you're busy with something essential.

Dd1 was similarly unputdownable. I used to have her in the sling all the time to do housework etc, and lying on a mat in the bathroom whilst I showered (during which she still screamed like billy-o but I had to wash so...).
When she got a big bigger we got a bumbo (are these now outlawed? She is now 13 so maybe?) and she seemed to like that better-she would sit in that and watch me clean etc for a bit without yelling. Hopefully yours will be better when she is a bit older and can engage a bit more?

DD was “unputdownable”. I did stuff with her in the sling all the time (although obviously not showering!). It wasn’t a problem and it didn’t last forever :)

My husband doesn’t like her to be left to cry yet I don’t see how i can get anything done unless i leave her to cry now & again. On a weekend he will have her for an hour in a morning so i can get stuff done

To be honest, your husband needs to up his game.

An hour on the weekend??! He needs to extract head from ass, pronto.

Sometime soon you’ll start to distinguish different types of cries - at three months DD did one that sounded like she was trying to imitate crying . And the baby will get better at recognising hunger, so you won’t get as much sudden, urgent screaming.

But also, as PP said, babies cry sometimes. They just do. They’re babies, it’s the only way they can verbally communicate at first - there isn’t a choice between crying and reciting the late work of William Blake. I personally think avoiding all crying is an unachievable ideal.

Mine were both like this. Completely unpotdownable, I used to laugh when people told me to shower while the baby slept. The baby only slept on me!

With DC1 I managed to keep crying to a minimal level although he did cry whilst I had a shower / used the toilet etc.

DC2 was another story. I'm afraid he did have to cry whilst I dressed his brother / made lunch for DC1 / changed DC1's nappies etc.

Does your baby also cry in the car seat and pushchair? Both of mine did that too.

It does get easier. Maybe not as quickly as you are hoping it will, but it does get easier.

It's your dh that's the problem. One hour a week!! He's taking the piss.

In your position I'd be sorely tempted to leave as much housework and cooking to him as possible without starving/not having clean clothes yourself!!

At the very least words need said.

He can certainly do several hours of a combination of baby duty and chores at the weekend.

You're working too - he gets a break! And a full nights sleep.

Aside from that, lower standards (MUCH lower), accept help from grannies, friends etc, letting baby cry for a few mins when absolutely necessary is not the end of the world. Everyone's gotta pee occasionally

My first dc would not be put down at all (to be a honest a medical condition kept her in pain until it was resolved), i had a stretchy sling that meant i could at least make myself a drink, something (easy) to eat, put the washing on, go to the toilet, you know...the essentials. I also learnt to feed her in there.
I know you don't want to go down the sling route, but it saved my sanity. I still remember the day it arrived and i realised the freedom (it was all relative by this point) it gave me.
Also relax/abandon your standards...i used to wipe my skirting boards regularly...now they get a quick wet wipe over the worst bits, while i'm down on the floor, scraping other (revolting) things up!

I was lucky, DS was rather happy to be on his own whilst he napped - it was those naps that I ran around and done what I could and often had to do things rather rushed and often cut corners.

The sling really did save me from completely losing my ability to get things done during the day - I'm a keen baker and having DS in the sling meant I could get on with baking and eating etc. It is worth you considering this option.

Standards of the house, washing and your own appearance do have to slip and don't feel bad about it because you are just putting baby first which is a good thing!

DH works long hours, he doesn't get in till 8.30pm but he totally pulls his weight when he gets in. He never expects to find dinner ready and he'll always hang the washing out or put it away when he gets in from work. Sunday is our chore day where we catch up on everything (and maybe even get round to cleaning those skirtings!)