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Original poster

To christen or not?

39 replies

Leedsmum2b · 03/04/2009 07:17

My DS is four months old, and I am really struggling with the issue of whether to get him christened or not. Any advice or views would be very much appreciated.

A bit of background: I was brought up CofE (christened and made the decision to be confirmed at 13). These days I'm afraid my faith is pretty threadbare; there's not much that I can say I believe, and I'm an Easter and Christmas churchgoer rather than more regular. I think that going to church is useful in prompting self-reflection, and CofE music, literature etc forms a strong part of my cultural background.

DH is strongly against the idea of having DS christened; he was christened himself, and still feels quite resentful that he was involved in an organisation which means nothing to him. He doesn't want our child brought up in any particular set of beliefs.

A big concern for me is that if DS isn't exposed to any form of religion, he will grow up without reflecting on the big questions and his life will be the poorer for it. I'd be fine with it if he decided to reject Christianity, so long as he had given it some thought! I would also like him to have the experience of the music, beautiful words, opportunity for quiet reflection, etc. However, I have a bit of a problem with promising to bring him up to believe in the Christian liturgy, when I don't believe it myself.

Sorry this is a bit long; views appreciated.

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Tigerschick · 03/04/2009 07:23

I wasn't Christened as my parents wanted me and DB to have the choice of which religion, if any, we wanted to join.
It hasn't stopped me from going to church (sporadically, admittedly) and enjoying the things you are worrying about him missing.

If your DH is strongly against it then maybe it's something that should be left 'unofficial' for the time being; your DS can choose to be christened at a later date if he wishes.

Just my VHO

Tigerschick · 03/04/2009 07:28

We didn't have DD christened either.
Instead we had a 'Welcome to the World' party to which we invited everyone who would have been invited to a christening. We introduced her guardians in the way that you would announce God-parents ... Maybe, if you decide not to have him christened, that's something you could do to celebrate.

Original poster
Leedsmum2b · 03/04/2009 07:30

Thanks Tigerschick for your views

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Original poster
Leedsmum2b · 03/04/2009 07:30

Thanks Tigerschick for your views

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Madmentalbint · 03/04/2009 07:31

I don't see how you can have your son christened if you and your partner don't have a Christian faith. A christening is a public declaration to God that you will bring your child up as a Christian. Even if you aren't regular chuch-goers it is still a promise to God about how you intend to raise your child - which would be pointless if you don't believe.

You can still go to church and enjoy any service you wish to if you haven't been christened, so your son can still enjoy any aspect of the church that he likes.

What about a naming ceremony instead of a christening?

Original poster
Leedsmum2b · 03/04/2009 07:34

Ooops, double post. Part of the dilemma is that we do have a couple of good friends who we would like to have a more formal role in DS's life. They're both from religious backgrounds, one is very much practising, the other not - so they'd be able to provide a range of perspectives.

Another issue is that my family would very much like DS to be christened. This isn't a big factor, but it is part of the context.

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SesIsCountingdowntheweeks · 03/04/2009 07:37

It sounds like it may not be the right thing for you to do -at the moment at least. I personally think that if you were to go ahead you should want to stick to the promises you would make as parents. If you can't, there's nothing wrong with that.
If your concern is about DS growing up without having input about religion so that he can make his own choices, you could do what a friend of mine did. She didn't get her DD christened but asked someone she was good friends with that had a strong faith to be "godmother" and take on the role of answering her DD's questions as she grows up.

Original poster
Leedsmum2b · 03/04/2009 07:38

Thanks, yes, good point. Wouldn't it be a bit odd to take him to church though, if he hasn't been christened? I had the impression the CofE frowns on this, though I may be wrong.

I'm fine with promising to bring him up to learn about Christianity, but I guess that's not what the service is saying...

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justaboutback · 03/04/2009 07:40

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Original poster
Leedsmum2b · 03/04/2009 07:43

Thanks Ses. I think this has really brought to the fore my own confused position about my faith. I can't say I believe in most of the things set out in the Creed, but I can't say I don't believe in God either. It was important to me to get married in church. I think the thing is that I'm reasonably happy living with my wooly, compromise position when it just affects me, but am not sure I should be taking decisions about DS on that basis (if that makes any sense).

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SesIsCountingdowntheweeks · 03/04/2009 07:45

I've never come across a church that frowns on taking a child along that hasn't been christened.
Would the friends you mentioned consider taking on the role of spiritual guardians?
Don't go ahead because of pressure from others.
In years to come how would you answer DS when he asks "why did you have me christened?" or "why did you not have me christened?"

justaboutback · 03/04/2009 07:52

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Original poster
Leedsmum2b · 03/04/2009 07:56

Thanks again - impressed at all the early risers posting on here!

DH would be prepared to go along with a christening, although it would make him feel uncomfortable, if it was really important to me. It's because he is so open to compromise that I want to be sure it's really what I want - if he wasn't bothered either way I think we'd just do it, but I don't want to insist unless I'm sure, since it's his child too!

A service of welcome and thanksgiving is an interesting idea, thanks for the suggestion. That might be a good way of making the 'cultural' links, and at least to promise to bring up our child to be aware of the church. Though I don't want to treat the CofE as just a museum/heritage site with a good soundtrack, or just to be a religious tourist/daytripper, I think it deserves better than that.

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Original poster
Leedsmum2b · 03/04/2009 08:07

Justaboutback, you're right - I wouldn't have a very coherent answer at present! The difficulty is finding the best way to read into the subject - most books I've come across are clearly trying to 'sell' a position.

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justaboutback · 03/04/2009 08:13

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justaboutback · 03/04/2009 08:14

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Madmentalbint · 03/04/2009 08:15

justaboutback - I think you misunderstood my post. I wasn't saying you have to be regular church-goers. For me, having a faith isn't really about whether you go to church or not. The point I was trying to make (obviously not very well) was that you can enjoy/take part in any part of Christian life you like without being christened. You can have a strong faith and not be christened so the christening part isn't important unless it's important to you. But in a christening ceremony you stand in front of your family and make a promise to bring your child up to believe in christianity. Obviously that is a difficult thing to do if you don't believe, even more so if your partner feels strongly against it, so why not enjoy the bits you want without the ceremony?

Hope that's a bit clearer.

justaboutback · 03/04/2009 08:19

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justaboutback · 03/04/2009 08:21

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PostAndGo · 03/04/2009 08:24

Don't christen him- you can still take him to church or expose him to other religions.

Does your church offer dedication?

seeker · 03/04/2009 08:25

Why would not being christened stop him being exposed to any form of religion?

And you don't have to be christened OR religious to reflect on the big questions of life OR listen and be moved by wonderful music!

Original poster
Leedsmum2b · 03/04/2009 08:26

Thanks for the reading suggestions, and for the other helpful views

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Original poster
Leedsmum2b · 03/04/2009 08:40

Seeker - I guess my thinking is that he's more likely to take a view on religion, big questions etc if he has some experience of these via organised religion. I don't think that not being christened would stop him being exposed to religion, just make it less likely. I would suppose that if you've never been to church, it would take quite a big impetus to get you to go, and possibly be quite daunting; my fear is that he'd go through life never really thinking about these things, and having a more shallow existence because of it. Admittedly at 4 months there's plenty of time before I need to worry

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AMumInScotland · 03/04/2009 09:19

I think the question of having him christened or not is completely separate from the decision of how much to take him to church and how much/what to teach him about religion.

Plenty of people take their baby to church to get them christened, then never go near the place again or tell them anything about religion.

Others are serious about Christianity and teach their child lots, take them to church regularly, etc, but don't have them christened so that the child can make that decision for themself when they're older.

So, instead of one complicated question, I think you've got two separate complicated questions . If you want to take him to church, no-one will have any problem with the fact that he's not christened, and he'd still be able to join in with family services, go to the childrens groups etc. But it depends if that's something you want to do with him, and your DH is not against the idea.

If a christening isn't a big issue for you, then you could leave that and have a blessing in church or a naming ceremony with no church connections instead.

SesIsCountingdowntheweeks · 03/04/2009 09:28

AMumInScotland - that's a good point about separating it into two different questions.