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Original poster

To christen or not?

39 replies

Leedsmum2b · 03/04/2009 07:17

My DS is four months old, and I am really struggling with the issue of whether to get him christened or not. Any advice or views would be very much appreciated.

A bit of background: I was brought up CofE (christened and made the decision to be confirmed at 13). These days I'm afraid my faith is pretty threadbare; there's not much that I can say I believe, and I'm an Easter and Christmas churchgoer rather than more regular. I think that going to church is useful in prompting self-reflection, and CofE music, literature etc forms a strong part of my cultural background.

DH is strongly against the idea of having DS christened; he was christened himself, and still feels quite resentful that he was involved in an organisation which means nothing to him. He doesn't want our child brought up in any particular set of beliefs.

A big concern for me is that if DS isn't exposed to any form of religion, he will grow up without reflecting on the big questions and his life will be the poorer for it. I'd be fine with it if he decided to reject Christianity, so long as he had given it some thought! I would also like him to have the experience of the music, beautiful words, opportunity for quiet reflection, etc. However, I have a bit of a problem with promising to bring him up to believe in the Christian liturgy, when I don't believe it myself.

Sorry this is a bit long; views appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

Leedsmum2b · 03/04/2009 09:29

Yes, I think you're right. I'm increasingly attracted to the idea of a service of welcome and thanksgiving (have just looked up the service). Think I'll chat to the vicar and see how he feels about it; I was assuming christening was necessary to participation, and the general view seems to be that it's not.

OP posts:

DiamondHead · 03/04/2009 09:32

The humanist society do formal naming ceremonies without the religious side.

www.humanism.org.uk/ceremonies

Dillydaydreamer · 03/04/2009 09:54

I can completely understand your reservations. I felt the same and also had been christened/confirmed with DH neither. I also only go sporadically to church.
My view is that you don't have to go to church every week to teach christian values.
I feel its far more important to be a practicing christian by being the good samaritan, to help a lady with young children to fold her buggy/get children onto the bus, help someone who has fallen in the street, look after someones child to give them a break when their husband is away from home.
My mother is an avid church goer, however, she only seems to help if it looks good i.e. church coffee morning, sitting in church to look after it when its open etc.
Yet when we visit it never enters her head that DH and I never get a lie in together because we have no family close by and has never once offered to get up with the children to give us a lie in. Likewise never offered to take dcs out for the day.
So to that end I say if you want to have your child christened then do it. You can teach christian values without attending church every week. You can also say prayers without always going to church.

BetsyBoop · 03/04/2009 09:55

We're in a similar position to you as I'm a Christian & DH isn't.

We've agreed not to have either of our kids Christened as babies, but are happy to support them being Christened if they want to be when they are older & they understand enough to know what it means.

They will both grow up learning about Christianity & then it's up to them to make their own mind up. DH had no problem with this approach.

I take DD & DS to church sometimes & it's never been a problem that they are not christened (in fact they are positively welcomed)

I think MIS is right, there are 2 questions here

Christen or not
"Religious" upbringing (anything from knowing the basics or an out & out zealot ) or not

mummy2isla · 03/04/2009 10:47

We had the same problem. I don't go to church and won't take my dd to church but wanted to get her christened, mainly because:

It would make my elderly grandparents soo happy (and the rest of my family);
It's a really nice way of celebrating the birth of your child;
We considered 'naming ceremonies' etc but they all seemed a bit .... well ... odd.
I wanted her to have godparents, formally.
I wanted her to be able to be a godmother one day if she wants to be!

I suggest that you ring the vicar and explain. I did this and she advised me that all I needed to do was to be christened myself and to live in the local area. I was v upfront and said we were not religious etc, she is still happy to christen dd.

So she is getting christened the day after her 1st birthday.

Good luck whatever you decide though!

seeker · 03/04/2009 17:48

leedsmum2be - you should come and listen to some of the conversations over our dinner table if you think that children who don't go to Church don't reflect on the big questions of life!

FAQinglovely · 03/04/2009 17:55

oh I do hope the CoE doesn't really want children there who haven't been Christened - DS3 was 18 months old before he was finally Christenend - and he attended almost every single week since he was born

Toffeepopple · 03/04/2009 18:03

FAQ, DS was nearly three before we got round to it. He knew the vicar so well he held his hand and chatted to him as they walked down to the font!

FAQinglovely · 03/04/2009 18:05

lucky you - our vicar had to chase DS3 around the church in the bit before the actual Baptising with water (she did make a jokey comment at the next Baptism in church - which was an adult baptism - that it had been much easier than the last one she'd had to do as she hadn't had to follow her around the church )

DutchOma · 03/04/2009 18:10

Of course children who have not been baptised can attend CoE services. Our son was invited to join the choir in an Anglican church, we worshipped with a Baptist church at the time, so they don't baptise infants and it was not a problem at all.
The way baptism is explained in our church is that it is an outward sign of an inward change; a desire to follow the path of Christ. That is a revolutionary life style, not something to be undertaken without a lot of thought being given to it. There is a lot more to it than being kind to old ladies.
A child can't make those decisions and so I think you would be a lot better off with a service of thanksgiving for your child.

justaboutback · 03/04/2009 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Leedsmum2b · 04/04/2009 18:19

Thanks again for all the useful feedback. It's great to hear the consensus that the CofE has no problem with children attending who haven't been baptised.

Seeker, I'm not saying children who don't go to church don't reflect on big questions etc, my worry is that they might be less likely to. I could of course be completely wrong about this

DutchOma, you make a good point. I think the 'welcome' service will be the right compromise for us. Maybe I'm overthinking this, but it doesn't seem right to make promises that I'm not sure I can keep, so leaving it open for DS to make the choice to be baptised or not in his own time seems the right way to go.

OP posts:

Reallytired · 05/04/2009 19:45

I know several very active christians who have not had their children baptisied. My husband is not baptised but he definately has a faith.

I think a welcome service would be perfect for your family. It would be honest and there would be no commitment for you or your husband. Church priests are happy to celebrate and give thanks to God for the birth of any child.

We urm and erred about getting my son baptised and in the end he was baptised at the age of two and half years old. There is no rush at 4 months.

Cailleachna · 06/04/2009 11:38

I can see where you're coming from but not being christened certainly doesn't mean your child can't be exposed to any spirituality. I'm pagan and I've never felt unwelcome in any church I've visited, quite the opposite in fact. How about incorporating bible stories and other mythologies into storytelling sessions as your baby gets older?

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