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Original poster

Asked to be a Godparent - I'm atheist

48 replies

herethereandeverywhere · 19/03/2015 21:45

My DB and his wife have asked me to be a godparent to their 1st child.

I was never christened and am happily atheist. I'm going to refuse as I don't want to purport to go along with something I don't believe in (and actively disagree with fundamental actions of - it's a Catholic baptism) and I don't want to just lie to make them happy. It's not the example I want to set for my DC or theirs.

I do, however, want to play a key role in her life. To be actively involved in her upbringing and guide her through life signposting a moral code along the way. Supporting DB and SIL in their job of parenting. If anything happened to DB and SIL (don't even want to think about it) but if it did I'd gladly take on the role of parenting their DC (or if that wasn't specified in a will) to provide every help and assistance I can.

[Now for the questions!]

How best do I present this to DB and SIL ?- there was a palpable awkward silence on the call when I explained why it was difficult for me but that I'd go away and think about it. I don't want to hurt their feelings but I can't be so untrue to myself.
Are their other ways I can be involved/things I can offer (aside from money and presents which I would be giving anyway)?

TIA

OP posts:

friendofsadgirl · 20/03/2015 00:18

You need to be honest with DB and SIL about your reasons. For the religious ceremony they may want to choose someone else but you could volunteer to be a "guide-parent" and maybe write a promise to the child/parents of how you plan to be there for them? My DCs godfather is actually agnostic but he is their biggest supporter outwith parents and GPs.

bucketofchicken · 20/03/2015 00:37

You'll be an aunt. That can be as big a role as you, and the parents, make it.

I would just be honest. 'I'm hugely honoured you asked me but as I'm an atheist I don't think it appropriate. I am however committed to your DC and want to be the best aunt possible.... etc' I wouldn't make a big deal of it.

FWIW I'm an atheist and God parent twice over. I don't feel bad about it. I renounced something I didn't believe in, so what. It was a lovely thing for my friend to ask, I was honest about my atheism and did it anyway. Part of my 'role' now is to offer an alternate view to the one they get from church/school/mum and she likes that.

RockCrushesLizard · 20/03/2015 00:41

If it's Roman Catholic, the priest usually insists godparents have to be baptised as a minimum, and generally baptised RC.

So you might find the decision is taken out of your hands...

ChocFudgeCake · 20/03/2015 00:42

Well done for sticking to your principles.
Just tell your DB and wife that as an atheist you are not a suitable candidate to help them bring up the child in the faith, that is the main function of a godparent (probably they are not practising catholics themselves or else they would know this). Even if you wanted you wouldn't be allowed anyways. However you will of course be happy to be part of the child's life, you do not need to have a title for this.
You can offer to have a set day per month to take the baby for a stroll in the park while the parents have a rest, when the child is older you could still have this tradition and do fun things together -cinema, museums, etc.

base9 · 20/03/2015 00:47

I would specifically offer to parent their child should the unthinkable happen. Too many people do not name guardians in wills. For you to have thought it through and concluded that you have the time, space, money and love to raise their child is far more important than any religious element.

SwedishEdith · 20/03/2015 00:50

If he's your brother, he'll know you're an atheist won't he? How Catholic are they really? They might not really care.

Original poster

herethereandeverywhere · 20/03/2015 12:30

Sorry if this is a bit of a drip fed - I didn't want the OP to be too long (can't win!)

I've never directly discussed faith with DB. Both he and I were not christened and were raised by religious-less parents (lapsed CofE I suppose).

DB has agreed to be Godparent several times for friends kids despite never having been christened, to him it's not an issue 'it doesn't matter' was how he put it on the call. They also said that the RC church/preist has specified that so long as one Godparent is Catholic, that is enough. All that said and with due respect to bucketofchicken's decision I don't want to be a God parent when I don't believe in God. I don't want to lie and I don't want to be part of a charade alluding to faith so that's out for me.

Thanks for the ideas/views so far 'guide-parent' is a good way of putting it I could only think of 'Odd-Parent' and I think they want me to be more sensible than that

OP posts:

cdtaylornats · 20/03/2015 15:15

My goddaughter was baptised as Roman catholic and I am an atheist who was brought up Church of Scotland. I don't know if the parents (mother catholic father agnostic) told the priest but he never questioned it. Over the years I've given her many religious symbols including a cross, a Lorraine cross and an ankh. I've also given her a flying spaghetti monster T-shirt and she has grown up pleasingly atheist.

specialsubject · 20/03/2015 21:21

I've also refused, no offence was meant and none was taken. The ceremony involves standing up and making promises which I was not prepared to make, let alone keep. No decent person would do that so that should make sense to everyone.

I do indeed see myself as 'guide-parent'.

bucketofchicken · 20/03/2015 22:08

Waves at specialsubject - I did that and I'm a decent person. Sorry to blow your theory!

I think you have a good plan op.

I've spent the evening with my godchildren. Asked them about Sunday school. Asked them what they believe, and why. I've talked about my views. We've talked about a bazillion other things too and had lots of fun. Everyone's happy and no ones going to hell.

It would be nice to perhaps a more formal naming ceremony thing for us 'guide parents'.

specialsubject · 20/03/2015 22:13

oops...

bigbutsrus1 · 20/03/2015 22:22

I had to turn down a friends request to be godmother to her DD. Was awful as it was quite late on and only when I had to sign the form about when I was christened. She told me to just make it up , but I said I couldn't as really wasn't starting off on the right foot by lying! It was a bit awkward but I think she understood.

thatstoast · 20/03/2015 22:33

I'm an atheist God parent. It's actually quite easy to renounce a fictional Satan. I am christened and confirmed so technically I ticked the boxes. I told my friend that I didn't believe in god but was happy to support her child's moral upbringing in a secular capacity. She was happy with that so I did it.

Don't over think it. Just say the religious aspect isn't for you but you'll always be there for them and your nephew.

SwedishEdith · 21/03/2015 00:47

I'm was atheist godparent as well. Same logic as thatstoast. My friend wanted me to do it; I and she knew I didn't care about the god stuff; she cared about the tradition. It was fine and I'm a decent person as well.

Vivacia · 21/03/2015 06:15

I have been in the same situation as OP and feel as specials.

Aussiemum78 · 21/03/2015 06:25

Perhaps you/they could discuss it with the priest?

If you could be a godparent, in terms of guardian and role model, while the other godparent fulfills the religious side, I don't know if the church would actually be ok with that? People change wedding vows, a catholic can marry a non catholic in the church i think?. perhaps they can alter the promises you make so you are part of the ceremony too.

BikeRunSki · 21/03/2015 06:29

I have been in this situation more than once. Every time I have declined. I was raised, baptised and confirmed Catholic, and rejected it all when I was 13 - about 2 mins after I'd been confirmed by the Archbishop of Westminster in Westminster Cathedral! I got married in a register office, and bith dc had Humanist naming ceremonies. My dc have "UnGodly" parents!

As I gave no faith, I have pointed out that I'm not really best placed to provide and child with spiritual guidance etc. I have said that I would love to be involved with the child, I will share my love of the outdoors, nature and science, support and help them, and teach them how to chose a great bottle of wine!

Truly religious parents will understand this. Those that don't are probably just doing it for school place/party/tradition.

Original poster

herethereandeverywhere · 21/03/2015 11:30

I'm sure a large part of the christening attraction is the pretty dress and party (venue and bouncy castle booked same day as the church).

I just find the whole thing baffling as to why people would stand there and make up a load of stuff/tell a load of lies/ make promises they can't keep and why their friends/relatives would want them to do it if we're all 'in-on-the-secret' that it's all nonsense. Why bother if it's all nonsense? SIL, the only catholic in the whole event has never, to my knowledge, attended church in the time she's known my brother. They had a civil wedding ceremony - so commitment to faith is certainly not a primary concern. I don't however want to question their decision when I explain my refusal. it's their decision to make.

OP posts:

CaffeLatteIceCream · 21/03/2015 11:59

It is their decision to make, but it's also yours too.

There's simply no right or wrong answer to this, there's only your answer.

Some atheists like SwedishEdith take the view that, well, it's all just words, no harm done and no skin off my nose to go along with it if it's going to make others happy. And that's perfectly fine.

While others, like me, are at the other end of the scale and refuse point blank to take part in something like a Christening - the very notion of which I am fundamentally opposed to. And that's fine too.

Most people sit somewhere in between, so I think you should be true to your own conscience and not worry about what's right, because when it comes to imaginary beings, there is no right. Or wrong, for that matter.

It sounds like you don't really want to do it, but don't want to cause unnecessary upset on what should be a happy celebration for them. In which case you should say, "I honestly think the religious aspects of this should be confined to those people for whom that has real meaning. It just doesn't to me and my neice/nephew means too much to me for me to feel comfortable saying words that I don't really mean. I'd rather just be a treasured aunt, there for them no matter what".

IMO.

jessplussomeonenew · 21/03/2015 12:08

Would it help to get the parents to give you the text of whatever promises you would have to make? This would allow you either to see if you can agree (presumably with the priest) a more secular version you're happy with or be very specific about what you're not willing to promise and why.

BigDorrit · 21/03/2015 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HairyPotter · 21/03/2015 12:17

I'm an atheist godparent as well. My god daughter is catholic and her parents are aware that I'm religious. As far as I know the priest didn't ask if I was christened or even catholic. The other god parents is catholic so maybe it didn't matter too much.

As someone else said, it's fairly easy to renounce something you don't believe in. I did it because I was honored to be asked to be a part of her life.

Vivacia · 21/03/2015 13:55

it's meaning doesn't necessarily have to be what it used to mean.

I doubt the believers take that view. As an atheist I couldn't stand up and take the piss out of the priest's beliefs. No matter how much I disagree with the concept of original sin I wouldn't want to make a mockery out of their sacrement.

CaffeLatteIceCream · 21/03/2015 14:39

No one has suggested "taking the piss" . But any atheist taking part in a religious rite of any kind is necessarily paying lip service to keep others happy. That is not taking the piss, it's being diplomatic.

And BD is right. "Christian name" has virtually nothing to do with Christianity these days, no matter what believers think, and a good case case be made that, for the wider community, neither does "Godparent".

thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts · 21/03/2015 14:40

For an atheist to be a God parent they will have to lie about their intentions and their beliefs.

The questions the priest asks the parents and Godparents in the C of E service are:

Priest: Parents and godparents, the Church receives these children with joy. Today we are trusting God for their growth in faith. Will you pray for them, draw them by your example into the community of faith and walk with them in the way of Christ?

Parents and Godparents: With the help of God, we will.

Priest: In baptism these children begin their journey in faith. You speak for them today. Will you care for them, and help them to take their place within the life and worship of Christ’s Church?

Parents and Godparents: With the help of God, we will.

In another part of the service there is a profession of faith. The parents and Godparents are expected to make this statement or a similar one.

Priest Let us affirm, together with these who are being baptized, our common faith in Jesus Christ.
Do you believe and trust in God the Father, source of all being and life, the one for whom we exist?

Reply I believe and trust in him.

Priest Do you believe and trust in God the Son, who took our human nature, died for us and rose again?

Reply: I believe and trust in him.

Priest: Do you believe and trust in God the Holy Spirit, who gives life to the people of God and makes Christ known in the world?

Reply I believe and trust in him.
This is the faith of the Church.
We believe and trust in one God,
Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Not much wriggle room there is you are an atheist.

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