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Original poster

Asked to be a Godparent - I'm atheist

48 replies

herethereandeverywhere · 19/03/2015 21:45

My DB and his wife have asked me to be a godparent to their 1st child.

I was never christened and am happily atheist. I'm going to refuse as I don't want to purport to go along with something I don't believe in (and actively disagree with fundamental actions of - it's a Catholic baptism) and I don't want to just lie to make them happy. It's not the example I want to set for my DC or theirs.

I do, however, want to play a key role in her life. To be actively involved in her upbringing and guide her through life signposting a moral code along the way. Supporting DB and SIL in their job of parenting. If anything happened to DB and SIL (don't even want to think about it) but if it did I'd gladly take on the role of parenting their DC (or if that wasn't specified in a will) to provide every help and assistance I can.

[Now for the questions!]

How best do I present this to DB and SIL ?- there was a palpable awkward silence on the call when I explained why it was difficult for me but that I'd go away and think about it. I don't want to hurt their feelings but I can't be so untrue to myself.
Are their other ways I can be involved/things I can offer (aside from money and presents which I would be giving anyway)?

TIA

OP posts:

SunnyBaudelaire · 21/03/2015 14:41

I have an atheist Godmother fwiw, she is the best Godmother I could have got. My mum passed away years ago and she is like a replacement granny for my children.

SunnyBaudelaire · 21/03/2015 14:42

mind you her atheism might have come on over the years as looking at the order of service for godparents above, I cannot imagine her doing that with a straight face.

AddToBasket · 21/03/2015 14:43

I think you are over-thinking this and need to get over yourself.

Can you provide sound spiritual guidance, remember birthdays and add some interesting anecdotes? Tick? OK, agree, suck it up and respect the vibe of godparenting.

BearyClairy · 21/03/2015 15:03

My oldest friend asked my DH and I to be godparents to her eldest about two years ago. She is a bit religious, we are atheist. I let her down gently by saying I didn't think it was a good idea, making promises to something we didn't believe in, in front of her friends and family. I said we would spoil her son whenever we could, help out, and always keep an eye on him. When I suggested a civil naming ceremony she was adamant she wanted a CofE one so she chose another couple to stand in. She also invited us to the christening but I was working that weekend and couldn't swap, or we would have attended. She has since had another son and he was christened with the same people. There are no hard feelings. I am more recently a card carrying humanist and if I had known the British Humanist Society had celebrants for naming ceremonies I would have hired one for my daughter when she was small.

Vivacia · 21/03/2015 15:33

Can you provide sound spiritual guidance, remember birthdays and add some interesting anecdotes?

That's not what being a godparent entails. See the vows quoted above.

Being quiet whilst others pray is diplomatic. Making public promises you think are "just words" is taking the piss of others deeply held beliefs.

Meow75 · 21/03/2015 15:47

My DH was asked by his elder sister when her son was born in 2006. DH refused, going as far as visiting the RAF chaplain where he was based at the time.

Although DH's sis was ok about it, his dad went bananas when he politely declined. Describing his refusal as an insult to the family or some such bollocks, but then this is the man who told me off for contacting CRUSE for bereavement counselling after my mum died saying that I should have "kept it within the family"

I guess what I'm saying is not to be surprised if someone sees your decision as odd and decides to give you a few words about it.

Relationship between DH and FiL is ok now, DNephew is 8 but DH felt very hurt by some of the things his dad said, and I can only imagine the verbal hammering he got from my MiL because of his reaction to DH's decision not to be GF.

As a PP said, you're the child's relative anyway, so that is enough in order to maintain a relationship. The biggest obstacle to DH's relationship with any of his family of origin is geography as they all now live in Lanzarote, and we are in Lincolnshire.

AddToBasket · 21/03/2015 17:00

Making public promises you think are "just words" is taking the piss of others deeply held beliefs.

No, it's not. No-one else will ever know. It is called Tact.

LondonRocks · 21/03/2015 17:04

Humanists have guide parents. It's the same kind of thing but not religious. We have a guidemum for my DC, as my DH is agnostic.

MrsUrquhart · 21/03/2015 17:13

If you don't feel comfortable with it, don't do it. You're perfectly within your rights, it isn't rude at all as long as you put it diplomatically. As shown above, you'll be participating in a sacrament and every word you speak will have some sort of religious meaning. Although some people clearly don't have a problem with it, a lot of atheists would and that's fine. Personally, I would never make a public statement that contradicted what I actually believe.

Justwhy · 21/03/2015 17:21

I am an atheist godparent. Granted, not Catholic. I did it bedause I was happy to say the vows. I know that this child won't be bought up a Christian anyway. Infact, I don't think I've been to one christening in my life where it was to practicing Christian parents. For most I know everyone is saying the vows because that's what happens at a Christening. I am happy to be a Godparent because it shows a commitment to the child and my friends.

CaffeLatteIceCream · 21/03/2015 17:23

Taking the piss means openly mocking or jeering....hurting someone else's feelings and upsetting them.

There is no way that going through religious motions for the benefit of others, even when it means little to us, can possibly be described as "taking the piss".

SwedishEdith · 21/03/2015 17:29

Of course, it's not taking the piss. What about atheists who marry Catholics and the Catholic wants (needs?) to get married in church or have their children christened? This must happen a lot. The non-believer isn't taking the piss when they make statements they don't believe, they do it because of love. And plenty of priests will be fully aware this.

And I think the modern concept of a godparent is mostly about being a significant other in the child's life and around for the big events etc. Only the very religious would think of it as having any real spiritual purpose as well. I know someone who chose godparents very carefully - and then the gps emigrated to Australia about 2 years later and where never really heard from again. . A lot of people just like ceremonies and traditions to mark out landmark dates. OP - you'll need to consider what your brother's expectations of a godparent are and decide what to do based on that. If they genuinely expect some spiritual support and guidance, well, then you can't offer that so they'll need to look elsewhere.

BackforGood · 21/03/2015 17:33

I think you said it very well in your OP, tbh.
Just repeat that to your db.

Thank them for asking you - say you are touched, and that you would love to be a special 'guide' in their dc's life, but, that obviously, as you are an atheist, you can't stand up in a Church and make promises to a God you don't believe in, to help bring a child up in that faith.

Vivacia · 21/03/2015 17:39

Just lost my reply.

The priest is going to ask you the questions above. He believes you mean your responses. They are not just words to him and his congregation, they are your solemn vow. Allowing him to believe this is is deception, not tact.

MajesticWhine · 21/03/2015 17:46

If it was me, I would be honoured and would say yes. I am an atheist but without particularly strong convictions either way. A non-practising atheist if you like. And I love a bit of church, so I wouldn't take it all that seriously. But if you are so strongly against it, then respect to you, and you just need to explain it.
I agree with PP that godparents have to be baptised themselves, so I think that might get you out of it.

Original poster

herethereandeverywhere · 21/03/2015 18:09

Some interpret it as 'tact', I interpret it as 'lying'.

I would no more be a Godparent than actively play a role in a ceremony for Jewish/Hindu/Islamic/Buddhist friends. Attend as a guest to watch and respect = yes; actively participate when I don't believe and make commitments I won't fulfil = no.

My brother's child does not need any 3rd party to tell me how to play the best possible role in their life. I don't need to light candles and tell untruths. I am absolutely committed to being the best support I can be for child and parents. I intend to write this down for DB and SIL and also something for child to read when they are older. And my actions will speak louder than any guff a man in a dress will tell me to say.

OP posts:

CaffeLatteIceCream · 21/03/2015 18:12

I appalud you, OP. I feel the same and wouldn't do it for the same reasons.

I just don't think that atheists who are willing to go through the motions are "taking the piss".

SwedishEdith · 21/03/2015 18:13

Well, then, glad this thread has helped you reach a decision.

Original poster

herethereandeverywhere · 21/03/2015 19:09

SwedishEdith I'd already made my decision (I say so in my OP). I had asked for ideas on how best to break it to DB and SIL and ways I can ensure I'm actively involved.

OP posts:

BikeRunSki · 21/03/2015 19:22

What a great post HereThere. Goid for you too! I may remember that if I'm ever asked again. In my case - 1 of the chidren I turned down is my niece so I have a relationship with her anyway; 1 got my first name as her middle name; and one's parents split up and I haven't heard from either of them for years, despite knowing them well when their dd was a baby.

SacreBlue · 21/03/2015 19:24

I'm an atheist. Family are well aware but I still stood as god parent to my first nephew when asked. It's a personal thing, they weren't bothered that I didn't believe the 'statements', they just wanted to involve me in their first born's life in a 'formal' way, probably as it meant more to my parents/inlaws who are religious.

If you aren't comfortable just say so, most folks are fine with that, they just want to celebrate the child, not force family into things they are uncomfortable with.

My nephew hasn't been harmed by having an atheist godparent & no-one from the church has checked up on me. Likewise I don't love any of my other nephews/niece any less for not being their godparent.

You are all family, it doesn't need to be stressful if you love each other.

loveareadingthanks · 24/03/2015 16:00

I'm an atheist godparent to two of my relatives. Don't do it.

I don't even know which relative one of them is, as I was only a child myself at the time and can't remember and too embarrassed to ask now. If it was the baby I suspect it was, I was only around 9 or 10 years old, never been to church in my life. I had no idea what it all meant so I can't imagine what my family were thinking at the time.

I'm also godparent to another where I allowed myself to be emotionally blackmailed into it by my parents and I regret it. I hated the ceremony and feeling like a hypocrite. I even kept my fingers crossed in my pocket, I know that's ridiculous. I'd made promises I had no interest in keeping. I do not have anything like a godparent relationship with that child, very rarely see them. It's a shame as if I'd been approached to be a secular 'important person' it would actually have meant something to me and I think I'd have done a lot more to fulfill the role they presumably wanted. But I don't know what they wanted. I just had to stand there spouting, what was for me, garbage.

I have the same relationship with those children as any others in my family.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 02/04/2015 06:37

I've twice declined to be a godparent to very good friends. I could not stand up and make a statement that I know to be false. I would be letting myself down and it would not be respectful to thesists.

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