DS lost contact-HELP

[Everhopeful68]

Our 25 year old son went on holiday 3 weeks ago by himself for the first time and has stopped responding to ur messages (WhatsApp) about a week ago. The messages are being received. Our son is a bit weird - such as

• he is secretive
• pn iPhone - 'Find my phone' we all share our location (we have another son 21y.o.) except this son.

He told us he was going to Italy and would be back in a week but after a few days he spoke to his mum saying he would be staying longer. now he has stopped sending messages and stopped talking to us 2 weeks ago. Also he is not always truthful - i say this because i am beginning to suspect he hasnt gone to Italy but Thailand - he came out of uni 2023 and was unemployed fro 2 years but has had an admin job for the last 12 months (min wage) - he was living with us so managed to save money. Before he left told us he had saved £5,000,00 .

i have asked him to send some photos of where he is - nothing!

We think he has left his job. He did buy travel insurance after i told advised him.

Why do i suspect Thailand - when he came out of Uni he asked me for money to go to Thailand i refused. He also has an interest in i think budhism, culture , meditation.
He has one friend - i don't have the friends contact number. While with us he was fine as in - happy to hang around with us and going on holiday with us.

How can i find out where is he? plus happy for any advice on how to deal with this? Me and my wife are stressed, worried and out of our minds.

He’s an adult so unless you actually think something terrible has happened then you can’t. You need to leave him alone to get on with being an adult.

He’s well into adult hood.

he’s been to uni and then got a job.

very few adult children share their location at all times with their parents. It’s not really appropriate.

I’m not sure why you are worried out of your minds. Thailand is a lovely place to go for a holiday - I’ve been a few times.

you can’t make him communicate with you .

I wouldn’t mind it as it’s not up to you whether he leaves his job or not but I’d be asking for a phone call just to make sure he’s okay, if you think his messages sound off.

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Are you concerned that he has gone to Thailand long term? Or that he might be in some sort of trouble? I can see why it’s frustrating to just not know if he’s ok / what his plans are. And I’m sympathetic - we don’t stop worrying about our children just because they are grown-up!

In this case, you could argue that it is in character for him to not reply / be secretive.

I’d send him a message, I think, saying you don’t need to know where he is or what his plans are, but would appreciate a thumbs up to know he is safe. Hopefully you’ll get that, and if you do, I’d then back off and not question him further, at least for several weeks or months. Alternatively, would he respond to a simple message from his sibling? Sometimes that relationship is easier.

unless you have reason to believe he is in trouble, I don’t think I would do anything. However, when he gets home I would tear an absolute strip off him for being so selfish. What he is doing is cruel. All he has to do is one text to let you know he is fine and will be in touch in a week, a month, whatever. If he can’t see that, I think I would be asking him to move out once he gets back.

He wont respond to sibling .

We have asked him to get in touch but to no avail. We have sent him texts everyday not gettng any response the last week

I appreciate you are worried but it doesn't sound like you actually think anything has happened to him - just that you are annoyed that he is not messaging.

Your level of control is OTT for a 25 year old. It's not "weird" for him to refuse to have his phone tracked. I suspect he is secretive because he finds your need to know his every move too much. Maybe back off a bit.

I’d ask him to just let you know he’s ok, and explain that you’re actually really worried about him. You could tell him you’re calling hospitals all across Italy and will be in touch with the embassy - hopefully that’ll be enough for him to send a quick message.

I'm surprised at the responses you've had TBH.

Of course he's a grown man but 25 is still young and its not normal for people you speak with regularly to just disappear for two weeks unplanned and not respond to messages presumably asking for a word of reassurance that they are okay?

Are you worried he may have got involved in trafficking or something in thaliand? Low on funds etc.

Everything crossed he's joined a Buddhist retreat and is currently in a robe, shaven headed & finding himself, and that he messages very soon.

Unfortunately from a practical perspective I think you have to wait for him to get in contact.

I’m finding this thread really weird. Everyone suggesting to leave him alone etc
A family member travelling alone hasn’t been in contact with anyone at home for two weeks in a world where it’s now normal to let people know where you are and as a parent you wouldn’t be worried? I would.

Has he got any mental health issues? Diagnosed or otherwise?

I think it's because the OP and his son are male

I totally get why your worried he's your son despite him being 26 I've been there done that and got the t-shirt
It's hard!
I would text and tell him your sorry to keep texting but if he can just let us know your ok we won't text anymore unless u want us too that shows him your just worried and sorry and take the pressure off him !
If he doesn't respond you can contact the UK police if your UK based and they will know where he is by the flight details .if your worried something has happened to him .
If it turns out he is ok you will have to learn to let him be an adult and stop smothering him

If you are concerned for his wellbeing (has he got any vulnerabilities?) you could contact your local police force to report your concerns who will assess whether a ‘welfare check’ is needed. They will link in with their international liaison officer who will contact Interpol (now known as joint international crime centre).
They will complete passport checks to see what airport he left from and contact the local police in his country of arrival, who will try to perform a welfare check.

These types of checks are only done if there are vulnerabilities, concerning behaviour etc etc but I don’t see any harm in you contacting your local police for advice.

People are picking up on the tone of the OP. If OP had said she was really worried because they hadn't heard from their DS, they would have got entirely different answers.

Complaining that your 25 year old is secretive, and "weird" for not wanting to be tracked, and having such strong views about what he does are, makes OP sound like the sort of parent that her DS is deliberately ignoring. If my DS was on holiday I wouldn't expect him to be constantly messaging. He told his mum he was staying in Italy for a bit longer. No further contact needed.

Are you concerned OP, that your son has got himself into criminal activities eg smuggled drugs into the country? He's supposedly saved up £5,000, which is a reasonable amount of money, to sustain him for a good period of time. It's possible he did go to Italy for a week, and then flew to Thailand.

It's possible he's given up his job to go to Thailand for several weeks. He was never going to tell you, that he's done this.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure you can do much. You can contact the British Consulate in both Italy and Thailand, I guess but I'm not sure.

It's normal for parents to worry. I'd be worried here too if they normally sent a message now and then and suddenly stopped replying.

Do you know if the messages are being delivered/read?

I’d send another one explaining I am worried for their safety and if they don’t reply within x amount of time I’d contact the authorities as you are that worried. DD solo travels a lot and this would have me in a panic.

I can understand that you’re worried, I would be. I suppose if he’d been in an accident someone would have contacted you. He’ll have his passport on him. If he’d been arrested then I suppose it’s up to him whether or not he asks for you to be contacted but he probably would do as he’d be scared.

so chances are he’s packed in his job, he’s bumming around Thailand where it’s cheap to stay. Uk people get a 30 day stay so he’s likely to come back after a month? I think you can also apply for a 60 day visa, but ultimately he can’t stay there indefinitely.

If I belonged to a family who tracked the locations of grown adults and called me ‘secretive’ for not wanting my mother tracking me in my mid-20s, and who demanded photos as proof of where I was when I travelled, I would also be ignoring their messages.

Have you tried actually phoning him rather than sending messages? You might be able to tell from the ringtone whether he's still abroad and even if he doesn't answer personally, I think spoken message asking him to just let you know he is OK has more chance of working than just a typed message.

I'd be worried if I didn't know where one of my children was and they weren't responding to any messages asking if they were OK. I think most people would be worried about someone they knew just disappearing like that. There are also potential drug and crime issues associated with Thailand more so than Italy.

Do you know where he worked? Can you go and ask there if he resigned or is on annual leave?

I'd also go and speak to the Police and explain the situation. They might have some advice or they might be able to do a welfare check at least if he answers the phone to them.

I'm sorry he's causing you such worry and I hope you hear from him soon.

Not been diagnosed. When he was with us he tagged along most of the time - supermarket, garden centre, meals etc.

Apart from this son the rest of us are on Find my phone - which i think is handy - nothing sinister.