DS lost contact-HELP

[Everhopeful68]

Our 25 year old son went on holiday 3 weeks ago by himself for the first time and has stopped responding to ur messages (WhatsApp) about a week ago. The messages are being received. Our son is a bit weird - such as

• he is secretive
• pn iPhone - 'Find my phone' we all share our location (we have another son 21y.o.) except this son.

He told us he was going to Italy and would be back in a week but after a few days he spoke to his mum saying he would be staying longer. now he has stopped sending messages and stopped talking to us 2 weeks ago. Also he is not always truthful - i say this because i am beginning to suspect he hasnt gone to Italy but Thailand - he came out of uni 2023 and was unemployed fro 2 years but has had an admin job for the last 12 months (min wage) - he was living with us so managed to save money. Before he left told us he had saved £5,000,00 .

i have asked him to send some photos of where he is - nothing!

We think he has left his job. He did buy travel insurance after i told advised him.

Why do i suspect Thailand - when he came out of Uni he asked me for money to go to Thailand i refused. He also has an interest in i think budhism, culture , meditation.
He has one friend - i don't have the friends contact number. While with us he was fine as in - happy to hang around with us and going on holiday with us.

How can i find out where is he? plus happy for any advice on how to deal with this? Me and my wife are stressed, worried and out of our minds.

Thank you for your message.We have tried to ring hime via WhatsApp and the phone is ringing. He was self employed - not regular hours (10 to 16 hours per week) - he told his employer he is going on holiday.

the Messages are being delivered and I believe read - Whatsapp Blue tick turned off long before he went away.

That's not really 'normal' in the nicest possible way (mum to three adult sons who would virtually never want to come to the supermarket or garden centre). Is it worth trying one last message saying you are very concerned and wondering if you need to contact the police and just a thumbs up is sufficient, no questions asked. Or course, he could have had his phone stolen or lost and not receiving the messages?! I can totally understand why you are so concerned🥺

Yes exactly this.

Whatsapp calls will always ring, even when the phone is switched off.

Try calling normally, not WhatsApp.

I’d be worried in your position. If he is getting your messages he must realise that you’re concerned, so just to put your mind at rest he could have responded in some way, even if it’s to tell you not to send anymore messages to him.
Send him your support and love then give him a little space to find his independence and hopefully he’ll message you when the time is right for him.

Me and my wife are stressed, worried and out of our minds.

while I do understand the concern, he is an adult and there is very little you can do - particularly if you don’t know what countries is in.

In All likelihood he wants some space - it does sound like an intense relationship, maybe even unhealthy?

as others have suggested, one text to say you are very worried but understand he is an adult and entitled to his freedom and privacy. A thumbs up to say all is good and you won’t contact him again while he is enjoying his travels.

I do hope he is okay.

Is his cellphone on your line?
Any bank or credit cards?

If he has gone to Thailand it’s possible he’s replaced his sim with a e-sim or Thai sim. His UK number will still work on what’s app unless he’s deleted it, but other messages may not be getting through.

So most worried parents lead with that line, add that they know he was in Italy but they haven't heard from him since he said he was going to stay for longer and note that he has plenty of money and travel insurance. People will be sympathetic.

Stuck in at the end of a long post (most people don't read that far) containing lots of unnecessary detail about about DS's "secretive" behaviour and other things that were irrelevant to the subject - suggesting that your main complaint is DS not being entirely open with you - different responses.

Has his mum heard from him?

Your son sounds a bit similar to mine. When younger he went off to Northern Thailand with a pal. Without telling us they took a bus to a Buddhist retreat in Southern China. They had no phone coverage there so we didn't know where they were. They stayed a little over a week. Once they were back in Thailand with phone coverage he let us know he was ok. Hopefully your son is doing something similar and is safe and will be back in touch with you soon. I know how worrying it is!

But the fact that he ISN'T on it means he doesn't want to be tracked, and probably thinks you are over-involved in his life. I think lots of us would feel the same as him, tbh.
Tracking an adult child is unacceptable to many of us.
Your OP suggests that you know he wants to spread his wings, so it's probably not surprising that he isn't replying to messages. He will be fine - if he wasn't, you'd hear about it. Just leave him to get on with his life, and he'll be in touch when he's ready.

Hi all
thanks for all your messages - he texted us today - he seems ok.

Glad he’s ok. Did you establish if he’s in Italy?

Pleased he’s ok, must be a relief for you and your family

Glad to hear he's ok. It doesn't matter what age they are - we don't stop worrying

Didnt say - just said he is travelling.

Brilliant - what a relief!

A bit of distance might do him the world of good - I travelled solo at 22 and it was the making of me! Particularly as I picked a career which involves long haul solo trips! I can eat alone in any restaurant on the world without feeling self conscious.

Good for him - I hope he loves every minute and you can all reset the relationship and respect each other’s boundaries.

Has he posted anything on his social media? Could you ask one of his friends if they have heard anything? They don’t have to tell you where he is just that he is okay.

i don't think he is on socail media.i dont have the contact detils for his friend.

You sound controlling and suffocating. No wonder he isn't replying. Back off and let him live his life.

That’s great he replied. Will you now be able to back off a bit and leave him to it?

I didn’t say it was ‘sinister’ but for some adults, it would feel intrusive and suffocating. Just because the rest of you think it’s ’handy’ and are happy with it, that doesn’t mean every adult would think it was normal or pleasant to have their parents and siblings able to locate them 24/7.

You described your son as ‘secretive’ and suggested he was an outlier. But It’s not ‘secretive’ for an adult man not to want to be on Find My Phone with his mother. It’s completely normal for a grown man to want privacy and independence and not to have to account for his whereabouts like a child. If my parents thought I was ‘secretive’ for opting out of a family tracking system as a grown adult, I would distance myself from them. And I certainly wouldn’t send photos to my parents on demand to prove to them where I was, because that’s a controlling and weird thing to ask an adult to do. Your son is 25, not 14.