Feel so hurt

[notnorman]

At the end of our 4* holiday in a gorgeous part of the world for my special birthday, my daughter started laying into me for not buying her personalised gifts for her birthday 2 years ago- instead buying her a bra, some work suitable shirts and some face care- along with some money as she wouldn’t tell me what she wanted.

im so fucking hurt. I’ve cried all the way back home today- couldn’t stop (surreptitiously- not that she seemed to care anyway).

I’ve done everything I can for my kids- I had an abusive upbringing myself and I swore I would be better.

im just so upset. We had had a wonderful holiday- then this in the departures queue.

im just so fucking sad rn.

She didn't tell you want she wanted then, but she's telling you now? Two years later? She sounds a bit unhinged! I wouldn't cry over someone - no matter their relationship to me - acting like a spoiled brat. I would be giving her the Paddington Bear stare.

She is a rude ungrateful brat

Sounds like she is jealous because it was your birthday celebration and the holiday was about you and she resented the fact she wasn't the centre of attention.
Really nasty behaviour. Perhaps you did too much for your children OP in the effort to compensate for your own childhood? Perhaps now you should start putting yourself first.

Thank you. I think I would have been more resilient but we were just at the end of such a lovely (v expensive) week away and I had had such a lovely time - prob last family holiday etc etc and I get that.
she had a crap time growing up with her other parent and i sat in with all her camhs sessions etc at her request. I thought we were closer than today has shown. I just feel like an utterly crap mom.

It's getting increasingly trendy to crucify your parents for not being perfect......
It's a crazy world. Ignore her, she's attention seeking in the worst possible way.

You're not remotely crap, but please do try to frame this as nothing that you have done. Your daughter is taking out something on you that is utterly ridiculous. It's also amazing the way some people go loopy at the end of holidays because they are sad they are over and can't handle it - one of my best friends does this so I never sit next to him on the plane on the way home because he's a pain in the arse. He's 48! He just mopes and is miserable.

If she had sessions from CAMHS and a difficult childhood she is possibly holding some anger and resentment towards you, and this is how it came out.
try not to take it too personally and get upset - she may need validation and a general apology (although not specifically around the present).

She may need an apology?

She may need to give one.

OP is not responsible for her ex's behaviour. The daughter can take that up with her other parent. (Bet she doesn't, bet she takes the OP's largesse and kicks her instead.)

Do you think that the end of the holiday was making her feel so sad that she sabotaged it?

Ive seen that happen so many times on school residentials… and I know she’s not school age, but sometimes our vulnerable selves come to the forefront when we’re sad.

Join the club OP. Circumstances very different but Ive just been made to feel utterly shit by my family and Im still on the verge of tears a week later. It’s brutal.

2 years later, she needs to cop the fuck on. And from now on, no list no presents. Shes being ridiculous.

Remember that 'children' will take their feelings out on the parent/s they feel safe with. Doesn't make it easier in the moment I know. Try to maintain your composure and be matter of fact about it. I'm currently remaining somewhat detached from one of mine - polite and friendly when approached though - following a sometimes volatile family holiday.

We had a situation where anything really nice always ended in a meltdown. It’s a defensive mechanism. They are upset the nice thing is going to be over, and choose to end the niceness themselves rather than sit anxiously waiting for the devastating end to happen.

The equivalent of picking a fight and driving off a partner, because you’re afraid they’ll lose interest in or cheat on you.

Not rational, but very common behaviour. Gives a sense of control to people who are afraid.

You a crap mum? Try again. She is the one who is crap (or at the very least acting so) by ruining a lovely holiday with her spoilt, dramatic and narcissistic behaviour.

I’ll assume you’re leaving out the bit where she’s autistic?

Her other sibling is. She hasn’t ever seemed to be though- she has had trauma in her life though- caused by ex.
Thank you everyone for your help. I’m still blindsided.
I didn’t get chance to chat to her when we got home as she called a taxi and went back to her uni accommodation within a few mins of getting back. I had gone to lie down as I’ve got a chronic illness and needed a tablet and a rest.

can you try and talk to her once youve both calmed down, and try and figure out if the gifts were representative of a bigger issue for her, that she’s perhaps articulated badly. Unless she’s usually not very kind obviously and this was just her being horrible as usual.

I will say her addressing something (however poorly) with you, and you crying for hours and hours in front of her, is probably quite a lot for her to cope with and perhaps why she hasn’t brought it up before now if the fallout is usually so big? Maybe it’s not, but just something to think about.

Spoilt little madam. I wouldnt bother buying her presents in the future just give her £20 money token gift.

So you had a loevly week then, at the end, there was a point at which she expressed some disappointment in her birthday a few years ago? Was it a big birthday for her? Did she rant and rave and scream at you or just discuss something that had bothered her?

Either way, unless there's a bunch of background here, I think you're massively over reacting. It sounds like she was hurt about what you did for her birthday. I can't say if that's right or wrong but if it was a big birthday, I would actually have some sympathy with her. if it was just a regular birthday, then I'd say she's being a bit silly but hey, we all have our issues.

For you to be crying and hurt and so upset for this long after a lovely trip is ridiculous though (unless she turned it into a massive strop and was vitriolic about the week away etc etc etc). People are allowed to express their feelings and this is one tiny little moment over a whole week. Why on earth are you focusing on that?

Also, with all due respect, even for a NOT big birthday, I'd find a bra and some workshirts a bit of a disappointing gift from my mother. Doesn't show much thought, I have to say.

Did she genuinely lay into you, or did she just say something like how come you've got all personalised stuff when I got work shirts for my big birthday? (Or similar).

It is absolutely bizarre that she's bringing it up after 2 years if it was anything more than a jokey comment.

However, if it WAS a big birthday, even if she didn't tell you what she wanted, I'm sure you could have done better and bought her something a little bit special, as it does sound like a lot of effort went into your big birthday.

How old is your DD?
What did she mean by "personalised gifts"?
I think you should have said ....Im sorry you were disappointed in the birthday gifts i got you 2 yrs ago, we can prevent this if you tell me ideas of what you would like for your next birthday.
If you feel hurt ,you feel hurt so i wouldnt say its unreasonable .

It wasn’t a big birthday. I gave her money as she didn’t know what she wanted (she likes niche things and tattoos) and her pressies were based on things she needed but wouldn’t spend her own money on. She had really upset skin at the time so I bought a lot of expensive skin products that I had researched as being the best bet for her face (she’s a student and being ‘alternative’ she wouldn’t think to spend money on skincare). We are talking a couple of hundred on wrapped gifts and a couple of hundred cash.

Then shes being ridiculous. Perfectly nice gifts! I wouldn't mention it to her again op, see if she brings it up again in the future.

Have you asked her why she’s being so unkind?

It’s really spiteful behaviour and I would be more disappointed and angry than upset.

It does sound like you’ve overcompensated and she’s spoilt and entitled as a result.