Struggling with my adult child refusing support, work and responsibility at home

[WaryBrickOrca]

Not really sure where to start with this but basically I am stuck with what to do about my 19 year old and it's causing me a lot of stress and affecting my mental health.

They are diagnosed with ASD and ADHD but are capable of being independent. They do not have any mental health issues. There is just no motivation to do anything and will happily leave important stuff, which I end up doing so that it is done, or refuse to engage in anything e.g. Charities to help with barriers such as social difficulties. This I know is my fault as for the last few years whenever they have been offered support, they have refused and I've been told that due to their age if they refuse then nothing can be done. They are happy to sit in their room playing games day and night. I have not done anything until now as it was a lot for me to deal with with no support.

They got a job a couple of months ago, working for an agency in a warehouse. Unfortunately, this only lasted 5 days before they were let go. They didn't inform the agency of their diagnosis so I don't know if doing this may of helped them keep the job.

Now they have decided that they want to claim lcwra and pip and never work but they won't do the basics of doing the things to get them e.g. Caseworker asked for them to get a fit note from the GP. I sorted out getting a link sent to their number to ask GP for a fit note but they won't even tell me if they have received the link so that hasn't been done. Because they didn't have a fit note by the time their next appointment with their work coach was they decided to just not go and not inform them.

They are not contributing to the household in any way, even down to the smallest of things like not putting their own rubbish in the bin, washing a dish they have used etc. These are left for me to do. Every time I try to speak to them I am ignored or met with constant rudeness and disrespectful comments.

I have spoken to them a few days ago and explained that I am not having this continue, I won't be disrespected and they need to start taking responsibility for them self. They need to stop putting things off and leaving for me to sort out, I will not be doing it anymore (I will obviously help if needed). If they choose not to do this then they will need to move out. Their only response was "kick me out then".

Just for reference they have recently gone to London (we live in lancashire) for a concert, stayed over and travelled back the next day. They have never been to London before, organised the whole trip on their own, including booking a place to stay and travel by train with a change of train part way and they went on their own. So when I say they are capable, this is the level of capable I'm talking about

I think you need to tell your son it’s time to find some independent living. Totally capable despite the challenges of Nd (yes I fully understand it) taking advantage of you now.
ultimatum time. I don’t mean immediately but over a planned timeline.

How did he get to this point?
Did he have chores growing up? Any responsibility?

How did he pay for his London trip?

I’d be locking him out.

I have a coworker with a similar history and did nothing since leaving college til about 22, at which point his parents were sick of it and put him in contact with an organisation that helps place men in long term unemployed. He’s doing fine. He’s not a very capable worker and will take any time off he possibly can, but he’s holding on and is still employed. They can do it in many cases, they simply do not want to - I also believe there’s an element of addiction to gaming but let’s not even go there. You need to prompt your child harder. A lot harder.

DD was the same and unfortunately has aged out of me having any say on it during Covid, so now it’s up to her to get assessed or not. She’s hard working, I’ll give her that, but she never got round to doing things around the house, it’s like there’s a mental block on that front. Unfortunately the environment just grew tenser and she moved out at 22. But before that, I don’t think she ever even took a bin out.
I help her do her shopping and so on, but she seems more relaxed now that I don’t interfere with whatever mess she leaves behind. I miss her and I’m sad she’s moved out in such circumstances, but the truth is we were both unhappy with how things were.

You have my sympathy OP. Getting a DC with AuDHD to engage can be extremely difficult.

Just out of interest, how did he pay for his try to London, how does he pay for his gaming and who pays for his phone, food and WiFi?

Do you cook for him and do his washing? If so, can't you just stop?

My parents had the same. My brother is now 47 and still living like a 14 year old in his childhood bedroom.

Tough love time, OP. Turn off the wi-fi.

That is so sad, for your DPs and for your DB. Nobody has DC and wants them to fail to launch and still be living at hone well into their 40s

Never mind ASD and ADHD, he's a bone idle, feckless chancer. Lock him out.

this ⬆️

For your child's sake, do not enable this. Tough love is needed. They have shown you what they are capable of, venturing off to London unassisted.

To learn to fly, they need a little nudge. Turn off the WiFi. Stop providing meals. Don't do the washing.

I was painfully shy teen and didn't make eye contact until I was 18 due to the extent of my social anxiety. I was still expected to go to work, and so I did.

if I'd had the choice at that age to sit in my room all day chilling out and get paid for it, I'd probably have taken you up on it.

Luckily in my neurodivergent family, opting out of society and personal responsibility was never an option. Please be cruel to be kind.

Sorry OP you are 1000% enabling this. You don't need to turn your back on them but you need to set some serious boundaries. Stop bailing them out! They'll never grow and learn to wipe their own backside if you keep doing everything for them. No wifi, don't do their laundry, etc etc. Be firm or they'll be doing this til the day you die

My usually darling son also 19 is going through a particularly arse-holic phase, so while I'm sorry to hear of extra SEN type struggles I do also think it's a particularly challenging age.

@WaryBrickOrca so sorry to hear that things are so challenging for you and your adult child (AC). It sounds like you both need some support. There is info online about "failure to launch" which might help. Did your AC have difficulties at school, have they got a formal diagnosis of autism/adhd or any support for their neurodivergence? Is there anything locally?

Don't give them any money at all.

Turn off the WIFI when you go to work and make sure they can't turn it back on!
Leave them to it in their room - just don't even go in there. Let them sleep in month old bedding and with overflowing bins. If they leave the bins for a while then sprinkle some black rice around - they look like mouse droppings - that might get them to clear up.
ASD and ADHD may be a diagnosis but it doesn't automatically mean it's a disability or that they are incapable - as you have so rightly said.
Do them a favour and give them opportunities to forge a life for themself. Stop doing the important stuff for them. When they begin to show some positive behaviours then you can start to support that.

When I left home my mother told me they couldn't afford to manage without my salary because only my father was working. My sister had just had an unplanned child. I said well one of you will have to look after the child and the other go back to work. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

My 19 year old would have returned from the concert in London to find their belongings outside in bin bags and the locks changed. I would tell them to present themselves to the LA as homeless. Its called tough love.

ASD and ADHD may bea diagnosis but it doesnt automatically mean it's a disability

Actually that's exactly what it does mean - to meet the threshold for diagnosis you are talking about significant impairment. That's not the same as being incapable.

@WaryBrickOrca there's clearly a good deal of demand avoidance going on here which is almost certainly rooted in neurodiversity plus a whole lot of bone idleness and male entitlement. Time to turn off the wifi and make it clear that a world of living in your room supported by mummy isnt an option, but it's going to need a lot of support to get your son from where he is now to independent functioning.

My 19yo had a curfew 10pm last night for being out as we are all up early and he couldn't be respectful and stick to it...also 19yo. Autism. He was out in the city with friends. And had a date. We are exhausted this morning.

You're not the only one OP ❤️

What about a supported internship? If they have an EHCP they should be eligible.

On a general note, while I agree with taking away the Wifi, it isn’t necessarily just a modern problem related to screens or gaming. I grew up in the nineties and remember a few young adults going through a very similar disengaged period. They stayed in bed a lot, watched a lot of TV and read magazines or books. But, there seemed to be far fewer of them and it seemed to be more situational eg. they did it as a student or when they were out of work. Their parents were tearing out their hair too.
But it also helped that we grew up into a growing economy with a lot of entry-level jobs about!

This may not apply to your DC (I am not saying it does) but I also wonder if some of the adjustments that are encouraged for ND children (opting out of overstimulating situations etc) then create a mindset of withdrawal that doesn’t help them once they leave education and go into adult life, which is far less structured.

Fingers crossed for you and for them.

Another idea, could you pretend to be downsizing? Having some estate agents come round might put the wind up them.

I’m an sen behaviour specialist. Whilst it’s great you understand the challenges please stop enabling them. Give them a warning in 2 days if I don’t see you do x y z. There’s no
more internet, cooking, washing.
list the things you will do to help if you see lots of effort.
if needed help them plan what they need to do and a timeframe. If they choose not to engage then there’s the consequence.

cancel the WiFi

when he asks just say I can’t afford it any more as you’re not contributing

do t cook or do his laundry

when he asks say, I haven’t got the energy after working and doing everything else

buy food for one daily ( I had a colleague do this as her adult children would clear the fridge on grocery shopping day)

leave him with the consequences of wanting to sit on his arse all day

My son is classed as unfit to work but goes to university. He would like to be able to work and volunteered over Summer but he has PA support to do this. I understand from UC that when he graduates he won’t be abandoned and we will have a meeting with all agencies ie social care / care agency and DWP to support my son to have some form of work ongoing even if not paid. For the record he cannot travel independently and has other complex needs. However I have no int ration of letting him sit at home even if he works unpaid - what type of life is that? He needs to have self respect and a purpose.

Do you think that your son gets overwhelmed and takes sanctuary in the house or do you think that he can’t be bothered?

Has he got a social worker who might be able to help? Is there any local service to befriend him and encourage him to engage?

I’m really strict with my son and he was told that he had to work over Summer and volunteer ( we told UC that he was doing this) I think that if my son was not cooperating I would make life uncomfortable for him. At the same time o would not push and cause him distress. It’s a balancing act. I know that my son is really eager to work hard and do what he can so when he expressed or indicates distress I know that it’s real. Also it’s consistent. Any built up/ busy place and he is distressed consistently .

However the fact that your son managed to go to London and change trains etc would suggest that it’s not fear of the outside world that is an issue - so he might not get LCWA. Why does he think that he will qualify?
for my son he qualifies as he can’t make any journey independently other than 5 mins to the locals corner shop or a one off short bus journey at non busy times planned with his mentor ( and then he needed to crash for 2 hours afterward overwhelmed) He also has motor issues so can’t cut / chop etc. he can easily misunderstand people as he has really really severe pragmatic / semantic language issues. He also has a weekly psychiatrist session for his issues etc as he does express a desire to die and feels worthless. He also has an addictive personality so it helps with that as well. He was disappearing into a cyber world etc.

So overall

1 Assess if there will be ASD distress and if not I would turn off the internet for him

2 Give him assigned chores around the house ( my son has these despite all his issues and takes a pride in what he can do) Really he should have been given chores from a young age and you should not be in this position. If he does not do the chores he does not eat - simple.

3 See if the local council can help with mentoring or any other support.

4 Does the DWP have any support available.
Are there any other support agencies? Can NAS help?

5 Prepare for the fact that he might not get LCWA

6 We used my son’s pip to pay for a psychiatrist and they can deal with internet addictions as well.

For my son I tried to give him a future and I think that this is important eg you will get your degree and maybe a masters and you will go to a job even if unpaid. I plot a development path for him and show him how he has improved and grown. We are trying to do workabouts eg around his inability to chop food we are going to look at frozen chopped foods and do some recipes.

Some times our kids just need hope and belief that there is soenthing for them out there so they don’t give up.

Do you think that your son gets overwhelmed and takes sanctuary in the house or do you think that he can’t be bothered?

he organised an overnight trip to London and then travelled, stayed overnight and travelled home

it seems if he wants to do something he can be bothered to organise everything and takes the initiative to do so