Struggling with my adult child refusing support, work and responsibility at home

[WaryBrickOrca]

Not really sure where to start with this but basically I am stuck with what to do about my 19 year old and it's causing me a lot of stress and affecting my mental health.

They are diagnosed with ASD and ADHD but are capable of being independent. They do not have any mental health issues. There is just no motivation to do anything and will happily leave important stuff, which I end up doing so that it is done, or refuse to engage in anything e.g. Charities to help with barriers such as social difficulties. This I know is my fault as for the last few years whenever they have been offered support, they have refused and I've been told that due to their age if they refuse then nothing can be done. They are happy to sit in their room playing games day and night. I have not done anything until now as it was a lot for me to deal with with no support.

They got a job a couple of months ago, working for an agency in a warehouse. Unfortunately, this only lasted 5 days before they were let go. They didn't inform the agency of their diagnosis so I don't know if doing this may of helped them keep the job.

Now they have decided that they want to claim lcwra and pip and never work but they won't do the basics of doing the things to get them e.g. Caseworker asked for them to get a fit note from the GP. I sorted out getting a link sent to their number to ask GP for a fit note but they won't even tell me if they have received the link so that hasn't been done. Because they didn't have a fit note by the time their next appointment with their work coach was they decided to just not go and not inform them.

They are not contributing to the household in any way, even down to the smallest of things like not putting their own rubbish in the bin, washing a dish they have used etc. These are left for me to do. Every time I try to speak to them I am ignored or met with constant rudeness and disrespectful comments.

I have spoken to them a few days ago and explained that I am not having this continue, I won't be disrespected and they need to start taking responsibility for them self. They need to stop putting things off and leaving for me to sort out, I will not be doing it anymore (I will obviously help if needed). If they choose not to do this then they will need to move out. Their only response was "kick me out then".

Just for reference they have recently gone to London (we live in lancashire) for a concert, stayed over and travelled back the next day. They have never been to London before, organised the whole trip on their own, including booking a place to stay and travel by train with a change of train part way and they went on their own. So when I say they are capable, this is the level of capable I'm talking about

Well you are allowing all of this, you cut off wifi, you tell them to get a job and they arent allowed to claim benefits under your room, send them to live with their father and take their key off them and say they are not allowed in the house during the day, they can look for work and go to a linrary and look for work and in the evenings wifi is off so they cant use their phone, they are an adult...you have allowed this,

You are enabling this and history will not remember you kindly

Without wishing to defend the status quo, being able to do the things you really, really want to do whilst struggling to motivate yourself to do anything else is classic AuADHD. I've worked with 2 women w ASD and ADHD respectively, who are both experts in their field but who struggle with the very basics of housework/home care. One was constantly buying new underwear rather than washing the pairs she already had and eating off paper plates because her dishwasher had broken 12 months before and she hadn't got round to having it sorted.

It’s unclear how he is funding his life if he is not or working or claiming benefits (or maybe he is on UC without LCWRA or PIP?). Definitely don’t fund him. To start, I would stop cooking for him, stop doing his washing and change the Wi-Fi password - he can go to the library and use theirs to apply for jobs. I’d buy just enough food for my own evening meal the same day to stop him eating everything I buy. Tell him he is an adult and he can do his own life admin, you are not his servant. I’d offer my services to HELP him, but not DO for him, if that makes sense. Eg review a CV he has produced. Try to tidy up after him as little as possible. I resorted at one point to putting my adult child’s dirty dishes in their bedroom next to their bed rather than wash them. Rubbish left lying about too.
See how things go for a few months. This might be enough to prod him to sort something out. No Wi-Fi will make hanging around at home less attractive.

Good advice

I agree with everyone else. Time to turn off the wifi and turn on the tough love.

I'm audhd but had no safety net off supportive or enabling parents so have had to crack on with life.

My eldest is also AUDHD and not at all high functioning, but even he does stuff like tidy up after himself, put a wash on, take the bins out etc. He's been expected to do this from a young age just like every other person in the house. He's perfectly capable of doing simple short jobs like this so why shouldn't I expect him to pitch in?

I'd do tough love for a few months. If he doesn't pull his socks up it may be time he flew the nest completely.

Is this adult child trans as you keep referring to them as them and they?

Lots of posters use they when they want to keep things really anonymous and not say whether they have a son or a daughter. It's not unusual. I don't see why it matters, anyway.

“Their only response was "kick me out then".”

tell him - challenge accepted.

"Their only response was "kick me out then"."

You do t need their permission to change the status quo. Start with the wifi.

I only asked as some posters were talking about OP’s son.

Sorry if someone’s already asked and I’ve missed it. But has your son tried ADHD medication? It can be life changing.
For people with ADHD, motivation for something that is interesting or exciting comes more easily, but the motivation needed for something like job hunting, chores, basically anything stressful or boring, is so hard to achieve, to the point they become almost impossible.
People with ADHD constantly have people thinking they are lazy or ‘bone idle’ because they can’t get motivated to do everyday things that NT people manage with much less effort. Medication can help with this massively.

You are definitely no alone with this one - and I agree with @MyBigBoots medication for ADHD has transformed my ds, as has me being quite hard on him, making is clear that the easy option of sitting in his bedroom avoiding life was not open to him. I made him sign on - that helped to have someone else marking his homework and he hated it - but that's life without a job. And not having to sign on was something he was thrilled about when he did get a job. Definitely do not enable.