Managing relationships during uni period

[Echobelly]

So DC is about to go off to uni. They will be studying in London, where we live, albeit the other side of London and living in halls because to me it would be missing half the point to live at home for university.

This leads to the slightly odd situation where they're not really moved out, but they kind of are because they're very independent and DH and I fully expect them not to live at home on any long-term basis after this (though we'd be happy for them to do so). They intend to stay in halls during holidays. We get on fine, but they will be nearer a lot of their mates and the sort of nightlife and activities they like in halls, so I understand that, but we would like to see them during holidays and they can be a bit 'out of sight out of mind' with family stuff. We are Jewish, so there is perhaps a bit more 'family stuff' that happens than for the average Brit.

Since going to 6th form in central London they've been a real social butterfly and we sometimes feel like we hardly see them and we have to book them months ahead for family events. DH sometimes has been annoyed by their lack of availability and while it is fair they have more independence now, I think we maybe still have a little more rights over their time before they start having a job and living totally independently. My thinking is I'll ask them to try to proactively make time with us in the holidays (they have said they will visit) to avoid scenarios where DH sometimes calls the 3 line whip and they feel a bit aggrieved by it.

To be clear, I don't expect or want them to live in our pockets and I want them to strike out on their own - but I don't want them to push us so far down their priority list we only see them occasionally when we're living in the same city.

Interested in how other parents have handled this stage.

any siblings in the picture ?

our young adults are also busy and although living at home during uni holidays or post graduate studies, we hardly see them.

we ask in advance to let us know they are home for meals and once they get back to uni have arranged to meet them for a football match or theater every few weeks - so we do something they enjoy and get to spend time with them.

Our young people do prioritise us when possible though- although their partners are rapidly growing in the hierarchy, which is normal. However, we do try not to pressure them

Thanks @Truetoself - younger brother (15) who does miss a bit doing stuff as a family.

DC and I enjoy opera and classical concerts and cabaret stuff - I imagine the latter they will do more with mates but I'll probably still see them for the other two sometimes (though DS and DH aren't into it).

Yeah, the main thing is I don't want to pressure them, but I also want them not to leave us behind in the social whirl!

Having a slight difference of opinion with DH in that he thinks we should be able to call them back occasionally to come to dinner Friday nights, I think we should treat it as though they are not in London, eg they should come visit if we're doing a family thing for a big birthday I have next year. But not just because we feel like seeing them and haven't seen them for a bit or are having other people over.

DS is going to our local uni, but living in halls. Like you I don't think you get the full university life if you live at home.
He will be 8 miles away but I expect to see him quite often. He and DH have a season ticket for our local team so they will be together at least every other weekend.
He's quite chatty so I will probably WhatsApp or call him when I feel like a catch up.

I think calling him/her home for Friday night occasionally is fine, and good for everyone.
I live a five hour journey from one dd’s uni and my younger has just started somewhere a six hour journey away. I have gone to visit the eldest regularly. She doesn’t have time to come home, has only done that around once a year in term time, twice for a local event and once for a funeral. It started with me saying I wanted to see her at least once during her eight week terms, as I was missing her so much, even if it was just a coffee together. She was stressed (Oxbridge, lots of pressure) and had a health issue, so I worried about her a lot. By the third year she would call and ask me to come if she wanted some tlc, which was usually around every four weeks. In the first year we generally all went as a family once a term, but after that I would get the train over on my own, or DH would go on his own, as my younger one had A levels and wanted to be at home, so one of us went whenever we felt dd1 needed a bit of extra care or she asked us to come.
We will do roughly the same with dd2, she is keen for us to visit regularly and it’s good for all of us to have those moments of connection through the terms.
You will probably find, as you are close both as a family and geographically, that your child has periods of wanting to pop over for the night or the weekend, especially when tired, overloaded or when work is stressful. Dd had a friend at uni whose parents had a home nearby and he quite often went home for the weekend. If we had lived close by dd would definitely have done that too.
It’s a big adjustment, and everyone in the family matters, not just the new student, so if you feel happier seeing your child every few weeks let him/her know and work out a plan. Occasional Friday nights, occasional meet-ups for lunch or coffee etc.
Apart from you missing your child, sometimes students feel they have to be totally independent but actually need the back up of a bit of family love and care.