Managing relationships during uni period

[Echobelly]

So DC is about to go off to uni. They will be studying in London, where we live, albeit the other side of London and living in halls because to me it would be missing half the point to live at home for university.

This leads to the slightly odd situation where they're not really moved out, but they kind of are because they're very independent and DH and I fully expect them not to live at home on any long-term basis after this (though we'd be happy for them to do so). They intend to stay in halls during holidays. We get on fine, but they will be nearer a lot of their mates and the sort of nightlife and activities they like in halls, so I understand that, but we would like to see them during holidays and they can be a bit 'out of sight out of mind' with family stuff. We are Jewish, so there is perhaps a bit more 'family stuff' that happens than for the average Brit.

Since going to 6th form in central London they've been a real social butterfly and we sometimes feel like we hardly see them and we have to book them months ahead for family events. DH sometimes has been annoyed by their lack of availability and while it is fair they have more independence now, I think we maybe still have a little more rights over their time before they start having a job and living totally independently. My thinking is I'll ask them to try to proactively make time with us in the holidays (they have said they will visit) to avoid scenarios where DH sometimes calls the 3 line whip and they feel a bit aggrieved by it.

To be clear, I don't expect or want them to live in our pockets and I want them to strike out on their own - but I don't want them to push us so far down their priority list we only see them occasionally when we're living in the same city.

Interested in how other parents have handled this stage.

@Echobelly Why do you expect dc to have time for you when living at university ? They are sensible young adults who make their own decisions and that’s important. They will tell you if they want a Friday night with you but why can they not continue faith and culture in the university area? You are right, I’m not Jewish, but I’m a mum who would never expect my dc to adhere to a duty I had imposed on them after they left home. And yes, we did pay for London halls for one DD. Control by money isn’t a great idea either.

I said upthread I'm happy to consider them as if they were much further away during term time, just I'd like see them at least a couple of times in the holidays. DH seems to want a bit more than that (but not weekly appearances of anything)

Re money: there's not the slightest intend to not fund or support them if they don't visit us and DC knows that! No one's saying 'we won't fund you if you don't visit!'

I think DH raised it, rather clumsily, in terms of he feels a bit unappreciated if they don't make an effort to see us and we're having to do the work to pin them down. And look, they might do that just fine but our experience has been they can get so caught up in a social whirl even when living at home that we don't see that much of them for periods.

@Echobelly I would assume most students living in halls go home for the holidays. Why would yours not do the same? Socialising with no one around won’t really happen. If their friends are coming home for the holidays, why would they not come home too? Who would they socialise with from university? Sounds like they have friends at home so a meet up with them seems likely I would have thought.