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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Late nights when your young adult still lives at home

28 replies

Fruitflylady · 21/02/2025 06:38

Hi, I’m in need of opinions please.
My nearly-19 yr old DS is still at him before going to uni next year. He’s studying for an extra A level and working two afternoons a week. He’s generally helpful, when prompted.
The issue is when he meets up with friends he’s invariably out very late, into the early hours of the morning, and this keeps me and DH awake either worrying about him, or hearing when he comes in.
Last night he had a few friends over. It was supposed to be a quiet night, not too late, as both me and DH have to get up for work in the morning. At some point in the night they all disappeared off and DS rolled back in at 3am. He wasn't noisy, but of course we both woke up again, and I don’t know where he’d been. We think they were hanging out in the countryside nearby. He goes out maybe once or twice a week.
Obviously I don’t want to/can’t stop him going out, but how would you address this sort of thing going on in your house? It’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but we’re both tired!!

OP posts:
Rocknrollstar · 21/02/2025 06:40

Having visitors late in the house is not acceptable. Otherwise I suggest you wear earplugs. Why lie awake worrying about him? Next year he will be at uni and you won’t know if he is even out.

mumonthehill · 21/02/2025 06:43

We had a when can I worry time. So ds would say he is going out and if not back by 2am I could check on him. I slept much better and he was always back before the worry time!

pootleondown · 21/02/2025 06:43

Been there, done that.

Unfortunately there's not much you can do aside from having words with him about being quiet when he comes in and wearing earplugs.

I'm sure some will come along saying "your house, your rules" but I really don't think you can put curfews on an adult. You could try and reach some agreement about only coming in late on weekends so it's less tiring for you/letting you know where he's going so you worry less?

DustyLee123 · 21/02/2025 06:45

He’s an adult, there’s not a lot you can do. But definitely no late visitors in the house when you’ve got work the next day.

SpringingInto · 21/02/2025 06:48

If he can’t be quiet coming in then I wouldn’t be quiet getting up at 6am and see how he likes being disturbed. But seriously I think it’s natural to worry as a parent I do

Original poster
Fruitflylady · 21/02/2025 06:51

I was wearing earplugs (DH snoring!) but I still heard DS coming back anyway.
I will wake him up before I go to work for a chat, but haven’t quite decided what to say…

OP posts:
MyUmberSeal · 21/02/2025 06:53

I think his behaviour is totally normal, and not particularly unreasonable for a 19 year old. Aside from having mates over, you can stop that if you wished.
I say, enjoy him while he is at home, try not to worry while he is out, he will be gone next year and what he does, where he goes, and what time he gets in, will be info you are no longer privy to.

Softdressesandblouses · 21/02/2025 06:54

We had a very similar situation last year with DS, who is now at uni. Lying awake worrying, or being woken up by him in the early hours, was very difficult. Be warned, it will also happen next year when your DS returns during breaks and inevitably wants to socialise with friends at home!

We told him that we didn’t wish to restrict his socialising etc, especially as now an adult, but that our home was not a shared uni-style house and so we”d have to have some ground rules. As DH and I are both up super-early for work, we said no really late nights (past say, 11pm) when we’re up early the following morning. Other than that, you have to try really hard not to worry. DS would leave us little 3am messages on our ring camera as he crept back in and knew that he had to stay as quiet as possible! It’s hard, but you will miss him next year when he’s gone! X

Mindymomo · 21/02/2025 07:00

We went through this with our DS, unfortunately after bringing back several friends from a nightclub in the early hours, it woke us, other DS and dog and ended up with my 2 Sons having a fight about it. We said he could only bring back friends on a Friday or Saturday, definitely not weekdays and he was to let us know so we could get dog in with us. I couldn’t sleep whilst he was out and would occasionally message him asking if he was ok, which he was fine about and I usually got a message back telling me where he was and sometimes a message saying coming home. It wasn’t just that I was worried about him, once he woke me up coming home drunk, I couldn’t sleep after and once he fell on our path, so DH had to go and get him. I think you’ve got to nip it in the bud now, if you don’t want him bringing home friends this late, then make it clear, but if you do this, they only go somewhere else, so would you rather he was in your house knowing he’s home. My DS didn’t go to University so this period went on a bit longer for us, glad it’s over now.

Imnoonesfool · 21/02/2025 07:47

we have this at the moment whilst my son takes a year out before starting uni in September. His work patterns mean some weeks he only works two days, so the rest of the week he thinks he’s on holiday and is literally nocturnal whilst sleeping all day! Drives me nuts, especially as I’m a light sleeper. We fall out about it because he’s so thoughtless but I then have to remind myself at his age I don’t imagine I gave any thoughts to my parents.

I’m sure come September ill be wishing he was home to wake me up but in the meanwhile ill be moaning to my husband 😆

FrenchandSaunders · 21/02/2025 07:53

If it’s only a couple of times a week and he’s quiet, as you say, I’d just put up with it.

Its normal for his age and it’s not his fault you’re a light sleeper.

PanicPanicc · 22/02/2025 09:15

If he wasn’t unreasonably noisy I wouldn’t say anything. It’s not like he’s being inconsiderate.

My DD slams the microwave and doors at all hours like she hates them.

MinnieCoops · 22/02/2025 09:18

I'm the worst at worrying about nights out. But that's my issue not my DCs and it's not fair to pass that on.

Ellejay67 · 22/02/2025 09:21

Fruitflylady · 21/02/2025 06:38

Hi, I’m in need of opinions please.
My nearly-19 yr old DS is still at him before going to uni next year. He’s studying for an extra A level and working two afternoons a week. He’s generally helpful, when prompted.
The issue is when he meets up with friends he’s invariably out very late, into the early hours of the morning, and this keeps me and DH awake either worrying about him, or hearing when he comes in.
Last night he had a few friends over. It was supposed to be a quiet night, not too late, as both me and DH have to get up for work in the morning. At some point in the night they all disappeared off and DS rolled back in at 3am. He wasn't noisy, but of course we both woke up again, and I don’t know where he’d been. We think they were hanging out in the countryside nearby. He goes out maybe once or twice a week.
Obviously I don’t want to/can’t stop him going out, but how would you address this sort of thing going on in your house? It’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but we’re both tired!!

Thank your cotton socks he's this age now and not in covid. I pine for my kids' years they missed at that age. I was out late every night from the age of 17 and had a full time job. I never understood the angst my Mum endured worrying about me until I had mine. On the nights they managed out before covid restrictions it was a worry, but that was my worry and not their responsibility. I'd just be happy he has friends and is enjoying his youth. You never get it back. However you can still set your own rules.

doodleygirl · 22/02/2025 09:25

The worrying is your issue not your DS. The noise can be resolved.

mitogoshigg · 22/02/2025 09:31

Over time you get used to it, only just lost the last of the dc here so pondering when they would be back is something I'm used to. My dc/dsc were all considerate but 3am returns is something you learn to deal with, they are young people and that's when things happen. That said we went to an afternoon nightclub thing, brilliant fun but was over 30's (coughs as in reality more like over 50)

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 22/02/2025 09:41

FrenchandSaunders · 21/02/2025 07:53

If it’s only a couple of times a week and he’s quiet, as you say, I’d just put up with it.

Its normal for his age and it’s not his fault you’re a light sleeper.

Exactly this.

My son got in at 3 this morning. He's usually quiet and doesn't bring people back, so we would never complain.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 22/02/2025 09:52

My dd is the same age, I don't tend to worry now when she goes out and I just make sure she has a key as I don't want her banging on the door at 3am!

I keep my phone on and she knows she can call me if there's an emergency.

If he was at uni you wouldn't even know if he was out so worrying and staying awake seems a bit ott now.

That said the situation you described about having friends over and then them going out, not knowing what was going on and it being a work night would annoy me.

Dd did something similar and I pointed out how disruptive that was for me and that I was knackered the following day. She's not done it since!

FrenchandSaunders · 22/02/2025 13:08

Ellejay67 · 22/02/2025 09:21

Thank your cotton socks he's this age now and not in covid. I pine for my kids' years they missed at that age. I was out late every night from the age of 17 and had a full time job. I never understood the angst my Mum endured worrying about me until I had mine. On the nights they managed out before covid restrictions it was a worry, but that was my worry and not their responsibility. I'd just be happy he has friends and is enjoying his youth. You never get it back. However you can still set your own rules.

Show quote history

We weren’t in lockdown for years!

Ellejay67 · 22/02/2025 13:54

FrenchandSaunders · 22/02/2025 13:08

We weren’t in lockdown for years!

Show quote history

My daughter and son had lockdown at the ages they should have been going out including 18th birthdays. Learn to read.

StMarie4me · 22/02/2025 18:11

Goodness me why do people moan about everything these days? Just let the lad enjoy himself for goodness sake.

Nanny0gg · 16/03/2025 10:39

I couldn't sleep till mine were in but that was a Me problem not a Them problem.

They were generally quiet when they came in too, so it was just something I had to live through till they moved out.

And this was weekends, not in the week

TheAmusedQuail · 16/03/2025 10:53

It's your home, that he lives in. Understandably, it's his life stage.

But your home has to work for you and your DH. You literally pay for the roof over his head.

And it isn't working for you if he's waking you up at night, leaving an older person tired for work.

Just set a boundary. No friends around on your work nights. He has to be in before 11 on your work nights. And he also needs to be very aware of the noise he's making on those nights too.

Be reasonable with him. Explain why (40+ need their sleep a lot more than younger people). And be more lenient on the evenings when you're not up for work the next day.

Darkrestlessness · 18/03/2025 19:07

Just keep reminding him to be quiet sometimes they don't realise how noisy they are.

ForNoisyCat · 06/07/2025 09:10

I used to lie awake too, worrying for hours. Then as my DC got their ID cards/drivers’ licences. I stopped worrying and started sleeping: My phone is on 24/7 and if there’s a problem someone will - I expect - contact me.