Late nights when your young adult still lives at home

[Fruitflylady]

Hi, I’m in need of opinions please.
My nearly-19 yr old DS is still at him before going to uni next year. He’s studying for an extra A level and working two afternoons a week. He’s generally helpful, when prompted.
The issue is when he meets up with friends he’s invariably out very late, into the early hours of the morning, and this keeps me and DH awake either worrying about him, or hearing when he comes in.
Last night he had a few friends over. It was supposed to be a quiet night, not too late, as both me and DH have to get up for work in the morning. At some point in the night they all disappeared off and DS rolled back in at 3am. He wasn't noisy, but of course we both woke up again, and I don’t know where he’d been. We think they were hanging out in the countryside nearby. He goes out maybe once or twice a week.
Obviously I don’t want to/can’t stop him going out, but how would you address this sort of thing going on in your house? It’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but we’re both tired!!

I’m surprised at the amount of people saying ‘oooh let him enjoy himself ‘
I think it’s just respectful not to wake everyone up!
I haven’t got a problem with them enjoying themselves but when they are living here it’s our rules still! And they get that and we have a great relationship. They wouldn’t bring people home in the middle of the night and come in quietly and not wake the rest of the house up, it’s just not fair when we have work/school!
my daughter comes straight up to bed and it doesn’t wake me up! (I only have one party goer out of the 4🤣 )

I have the same problem with my 20 yo daughter when she comes home during the holiday / vacation time. It’s not that I’m worried about her anymore -at this stage I’m beyond caring. I suspect she may be using occasional stimulants to keep up the pace because she used to need a lot of sleep, but again, I’m past the point of concern. My issue is that I have an adult coming in and out at all hours of the night but we live in a small house, so psychologically I’m always on edge wondering if I will be woken up or not.

From what I can see, the issue is this kind of behaviour has become increasingly normalised. Young adults living at home behave like children when it suits them yet demand to be treated like adults when it suits them. In addition they all have FOMO and think they will regret it forever if they don't party like it's 1995 most nights. Even 15 years ago this would rarely have been considered acceptable, and when I was growing up most parents would not have tolerated it. In fact my husband's brother was evicted from the family home briefly for the same behaviour. (He left for 2 months then came back again as he learnt the hard way how hard it is to afford rent, food and going out all on a small wage.)

What makes it worse is watching friends whose daughters are now in their mid to late twenties and supposedly independent, yet not really. These parents are still paying rent and phone bills, while the adult children remain rude and entitled. The underlying issue seems to be shifting societal expectations, combined with a culture obsessed with dopamine hits and fear of missing out, which places unreasonable demands on parents of adult children.

In terms of answers I guess you could try the usual family discussions and contracts (you’re an adult, but if you were sharing a house there would still be rules etc). Unfortunately for us It works for a few days then she reverts back. But if it's any comfort, it's not just you or your parenting, it's a general society problem.

I was born in '67 pretty much out every night from late 80s through 90s lol, then calmed down a bit. Now I've got mine I realise the worry my Mum went through and for the best part with no mobile phones. It is a difficult one. I came home and crept about like a wee mousy though..not making tea and slamming doors