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Original poster

Parents of 2 or more - favourites................

29 replies

Gwenick · 03/04/2005 00:11

just wondering if I'm 'odd' or whether it's 'normal' to have a favourite child when you've got more than one? I love both my boys to bits and would do anything for either of them. But I often find myself thinking that I have a 'favourite' of the two of them - and then feeling guilty.......

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unicorn · 03/04/2005 00:24

you are not alone, I think it is human nature...
my ds has helped me no end after a very difficult start with ds...

He seems to undersatnd me, and has 'empathy' towards me.. (he is 3!)

Nevertheless he has made me feel better about myself, after a very difficult start with dd.

So...truth is yes he is easier to favour...
but- I know my dd is probably the one more in need. IYSWIM.

unicorn · 03/04/2005 00:26

.. sorry should read difficult start with - dd.

(been to pub with pals!)

hunkermunker · 03/04/2005 00:33

Is it 'favourite' or do you just 'click' more with one?

I don't think it's as unusual as you might think Gwenick - and if more people would actually talk about it rather than professing not to have favourites and then just blatantly favouring anyay, all the while saying they don't favour... (not speaking from personal experience here, but close relationship experience, shall we say...!).

PS - hi, Gwenick

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colditzmum · 03/04/2005 00:51

My brother was and is blatantly favoured over my sister and myself, to the point where I will never have another child in case I do this to the one I already have. It hurt so much, and really it still does. I can't imagine ever putting my son through that, so I refuse to have any more children

trefusis · 03/04/2005 01:23

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Tortington · 03/04/2005 01:31

i have a stronger bond with my eldest becuase family members ignored him when the twins came along - i always made a point of making him feel as special as the twin freak show which was ( up until they grew up and wern't as cuddly anymore. i have a nother son - who i realise i never speak about with collegues or friends - becuase he is so damned good and lovley and causes me no worries at all - that other people would be forgiven for not knowing of his existance.

however i have found having a bond of any sort with my dd the hardest of all. she was the one with the problems after she was born, she was the one always crying, causing me worries, endless trips to the hospital etc. we just neer clicked. however i have done my best to try and not make this a visible effect. very recently as she is now 12 - doing more "girly" things. like false nails and hair and makeup - she i think felt a special connection when her periods started becuase she could have "secret" conversations with me to the exclusion of the boys - which infact delighted her!.

i think therefore your feelings may be different for each child as they are individual. i can appreciate very much feeling that the toddler has got a bigger bond - you have been around them longer - your first child, babies dont do much, toddlers can communicate bettter, families may well me drooling over new babby - making you protective, however whent he baby get older it will delight and surprise you in uniqueness alone. i often think how lucky i am to be surrounded by such differing personalities and abilities where there isn't one day passes where oneof them does something so funny or thoughtful or make some inadvertant comment or surprise me intellectually that doesn't catch my heart.

emmatmg · 03/04/2005 08:15

Yes I agree 100%. Love them all to bits of course.

I have a favourite here, it's DS3 but it's for the simple fact that he's the youngest (18 months) so is still my baby.

Plus the fact that he can't talk yet so doesn't back-chat me is a huge factor!!!

saadia · 03/04/2005 08:33

Not wanting to be judgmental, but couldn't possibly imagine favouring one over the other - unthinkable.

sobernow · 03/04/2005 09:10

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kelly1978 · 03/04/2005 09:15

I wouldn't say I have a favourite, but out of mine I def tend to prefer one or two over the others, depending on how they've been behaving. It varies all the time tho, so I don't feel guilty about it - and there is no way they would know about it.

Potty1 · 03/04/2005 09:20

I love all my children the same but think its only natural to like one more than another at different times of their lives. Like sobernow, for me it changes regularly.

For example ds2 was the toddler from hell whilst at the same time ds1 was just starting school and was calm and easy to manage. Conversely when ds1 was a dreadful pouting teenager ds2 was still a polite 11 year old who didn't mind a cuddle from his mum in the evening. I loved them the same but preferred the company of one over the other.

I have a stronger bond with dd because she had such a rough time health-wise as a young child and I spent so much time by her side. We've had such tough times and I've felt the fear of losing her but I wouldn't say I love her more than the boys.

Original poster

Gwenick · 03/04/2005 12:22

Thanks everyone - made me feel much better about it.

I do make a HUGE effort with DS1 (the one who I don't feel as 'close' to) so he (hopefully) doesn't notice the difference. But it's reassuring to know that it's 'normal' to 'like' one more than another. My youngest just has a such an amazing 'get along with anyone' personality that DS1 doens't really have - although he's a delightful little boy.

OP posts:

coldtea · 03/04/2005 12:33

I have a different favourite everyday depending on my mood & where i am! Ds is my favourite for his calmness , his lovingness & his overall gentle nature whilst dd is my favourite for her energy her spirit & her confidence. I think it's quite normal

Enid · 03/04/2005 12:44

Sometimes I feel particularly passionate about dd1 as she was a 'difficult' child - at times it seemed to be only me who believed in her and now she is repaying my confidence tenfold! icon. Then somedays she is super hard work again and I find myself in total admiration of dd2 for her sunny, easy-going, loving personality.

JoolsToo · 03/04/2005 12:47

Obviously its 'normal' for you Gwenick - but I think its bizarre to have favourites.

For me, no - not never, not no-how! (or is it know-how? )

my mil definitely favoured my dh over his sister though!

tigermoth · 03/04/2005 13:07

If I am thinking nice thoughts about one son to the exclusion of the other, I take it as nature's hint that I am not spending enough time alone with the other one.

IMO you can't help feeling fleetingly closer to one child sometimes. Personally, I would not like to feel closeer to the same chuild all the time.

jampots · 03/04/2005 13:24

I agree that one can be favoured more than another. I adore both of my children to bits and have always had a brilliant relationship with both. However, now dd is growing up (12 and very teen-y ie. not wanting to go shopping etc with me, wanting to be alone more listening to music etc) I find that ds is filling her role more and more. Plus he is very loving and extremely funny.

As dd is becoming more independent our relationship has shifted - sometimes I like her more and sometimes I like ds more - its as simple as that.

I was the unfavoured one with 2 sisters when I was growing up. My twin sis was very babyish and wrapped my parents round her little finger time and again whereas I was always more independent and enquiring so presumably was less "needy" and therefore deemed more responsible. Our older sister was just a brat but got away with creating enormous rows and having huge tantrums til quite old really because they felt guilty that when they came over here from Ireland they had to live iwth my aunt and uncle (and aunt was horrid to older sister) - crikey I need therapy

trefusis · 03/04/2005 13:37

This reply has been deleted

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Enid · 03/04/2005 13:43

meant to say that no, I truly don't have favourites

suedonim · 03/04/2005 13:53

I'm one of four and my younger bro was my mum's favourite by a mile. I know because she told me so. Hence I don't have favourite amongst my four. They're all so different that I couldn't possibly choose between them anyway. But that doesn't stop them all being convinced one of the others is the favourite. As for dh - well, he says he prefers the cat - far less trouble.

SoupDragon · 03/04/2005 14:00

I've got 2 DSs and I have a favourite. It changes day by day, minute by minute though so I guess it evens out

Rarrie · 03/04/2005 14:07

I've only got one child, so I can't speak for myself yet... but I think it is easier when there's only two kids. I've always been closer to my mum, so it naturally follows that my bro is my dad's favourite. And it has never really mattered to either of us.

However, my husband is one of three. He is blatantly his dad's favourite, his brother is obviously his mum's favourite, and his sister can do no right! Shame really!

JoolsToo · 03/04/2005 14:10

jampots - I think its a matter of perception.

GDG and ds1 always maintain that ds2 got away with murder - I always challenge that viewpoint

Everyone is an individual and has differing characteristics and needs and we parented accordingly - but I don't see it as favouring one above the other.

I'm very lucky with my 3 in having good relationships with them all. I see more of GDG, probably cos we have more in common and are like friends but it doesn't mean I favour her over ds1 and ds2.

Pinotmum · 03/04/2005 15:46

I do worry that this may happen. I felt my mum favoured my ds but then he was the youngest so maybe she made allowances for him. She certinly doesn't agree she favoured him. If I tell my 2 off my ds will tell me he loves me and come and give me a hug whereas my dd will argue and storm off and want the last word. They are only young now but I worry that dd and myself will always be battling and lose the closeness we now have.

Gobbledigook · 03/04/2005 15:58

No, definitely don't have a favourite. Like Emmatmg I'm finding I'm always nice to ds3 but that's because he's only 7 months old so isn't getting into mischief whereas ds1 and ds2 get told off sometimes. I can honestly say, hand on heart, there is no favourite for me - they are all fantastic.

I must admit though, when ds2 was just coming up to 2 he went through a very difficult phase - crying and tantruming a lot and I found him very difficult to like for a while - he's still a bit whingey but not as bad and he's easier to get on with now.

So like others have said, there may be a day where one is bugging me more than the other but overall there is no favourite and they all get treated exactly the same.

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